


40 Weeks

by Ava_now



Series: The Barden Collection [3]
Category: Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Marriage, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-03-09 21:01:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18924943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: She sighed and ran her fingers through his, interlacing them.  “It was scheduled for nine.  Relax, Papi.  They’ll get to us as soon as they can.”“Papi, huh?”She kissed his cheek.  “Get used to it.  Unless you’d rather go by Daddy.  Or we could break all the rules and have the kid call you Rafael.  Hey You would be an option too.”He smiled to himself.  He couldn’t believe they were doing this, here at their first appointment.  Having a baby.  He was going to be a father, and it still blew his mind.  “Papi is fine,” he said, playing with her fingers.  “I like Papi.  But if I’m gonna be Papi, you better watch the context in which you use that.”“Har har,” she snarked.  “And shut up!”





	1. November

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Part Three of Barden! 
> 
> This story follows Rafael and Vanessa through their pregnancy and all of the ups and downs during that period.

**_November_ **

 

The rain was falling steadily, cold, when she and Max got back to the apartment.  She helped him unzip his coat and wiggle out of it. “And Momma, guess what? The animals came to school today and there was a snake and it was weally, WEALLY big!  And I gotted to pet him and guess what? He didn’t even bite me!”

 

“That sounds fun,” she responded, trying to keep her mind focused on Max.  “Make sure you hang your coat up, okay?” She handed the jacket to him.

 

“Got it!”  He took the coat and ran off in the direction of his bedroom and she sighed.  It was after six and she still had all the prep work to do for dinner the next day.  She’d been up since four and at the hospital most of the day; Lola had needed a medical procedure scheduled at 6 a.m.  Vanessa had gone to help her feel safer, and while it had worked, she was exhausted.

 

She opened the freezer, pulled out the leftovers she had frozen last week, and began to defrost them in the microwave.  

 

As it dinged, the front door opened and Rafael came in, drenched in his trench coat.  “Hey,” she

greeted him, making her way over.  He dropped his briefcase and opened his arms for her.  

 

“I’m wet,” he noted.  “I don’t usually get to say that about myself.”

 

“Clever.”  She ran her hands up and down his chest.  “I missed you.”

 

He kissed her.  “Hey, I’m gonna go change and then I’ll be back out to help you with dinner, ok?”

 

“Eh,” she shrugged.  “It’s microwaved leftovers.”

 

“Oh!  Yum.”

 

She smacked his ass.  “Go change!” He laughed and pulled away, making his way down the hall.

 

Two hours later they were working side by side, preparing the Thanksgiving meal for the next day.  “You know, you didn’t have to do this. I know you’re tired.” He was chopping vegetables to go in the stuffing.

 

“I don’t mind,” she said, mixing up the pumpkin pie filling.  “I don’t get to cook nearly as much as I did in North Carolina.”

 

He chuckled.  “Yeah, I miss how you used to always have something delicious around, and I got to be the taste tester.  It was the best part of my job.”

“And you rarely steered me wrong.”  She took a small spoonful of the pie filling and held it out for him.  “Try this.”

 

Happily he put the spoon in his mouth and allowed his eyes to close.  “That’s incredible. And did you make the cranberry orange bread you wanted to do?”

 

“Not yet.”  She poured the filling into the crust.  “I was hoping to, but then Max needed help with bedtime…”

 

He nodded.  “You’re an amazing mom, Ness.”  A smile crept across his face. “I can’t wait to see you with our baby.  Are we agreed to tell Mami tomorrow?”

 

“Yep.  I think it’s time...but I don’t think we should tell anyone at work yet.  Or Max. It’s way too early to tell him.”

 

“You mean the boy eternally waiting for Santa Claus?”  They both laughed softly. Max had started asking a couple of weeks prior how many sleeps until Santa came.  Vanessa couldn’t imagine how many times he’d ask about the baby in the coming months if he knew already.

 

“Yes, that boy.”  She was now mixing up the filling for the apple pie, and cinnamon hung heavy in the air.  “But we also need to figure out this wedding situation. I really want to be married before the baby comes, Rafael.  I mean, we can do it big or whatever after the baby is here, but I want us to at least have a civil ceremony so that this baby comes into the world with two parents married to each other.”  She paused, biting into an apple. “Call me old-fashioned, but it’s what I want.”

 

“No, I agree.”  He took the piece of apple she was offering him and popped it into his mouth.  “Do you want a civil ceremony? And if so, when? Do you want to take a honeymoon now or just maybe a weekend away?”

 

“I don’t know.  I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know…”  She turned the apples into the crust she had prepared and made sure they were well distributed.  “Maybe we just show up in Elana Barth’s chambers on a Friday afternoon and take ten minutes of her time.”

 

“And they say romance is dead.”  He finished off his apple slice. “You are so damn sexy, you know that?”

 

“Hmm.”  She kissed him.  “Wait til you see me as a married woman.”

 

*************************************************

“That was delicious.”  Lucia lay her napkin on the table.  “Thank you so much for inviting me, Vanessa.”

 

Rafael was clearing the table of dishes, and Vanessa said, “You’re welcome any time.  I’d love it if we could get together more frequently.”

 

“I’d love it if you’d add another three hours to my day,” Rafael said under his breath, and she elbowed him.

 

Lucia chuckled.  “He already knows I’m not going to butt in to anything here.  I have told my son, though, that if you ever need a babysitter I would be happy to oblige.”

 

“Oh really?  Max would love that!”

 

As if on cue, Max ran into the kitchen.  “Look, Lucia! It’s my bestest picture!” He handed it to her.  “See? Do you like it?”

 

“I love it, mijo,” she answered him proudly.  “It is perfect. It’ll go on my refrigerator at home.”

 

Max turned around to Rafael.  “Hey Wafa! Your momma’s gonna put my picture on her ‘frigerator!”

 

“That’s awesome, buddy.  I know she’ll enjoy looking at it.”  He glanced at Vanessa, then bent down.  “You know what? The grownups need to talk for a few minutes.  Can you play with your legos in your room?”

 

Max shrugged his shoulders.  “Sure. You come play too?”

 

Vanessa laughed.  “Honey, Rafa is one of the grownups.  He needs to talk with us.”

 

“Oh.  Okay.”  He headed back to his room, and Rafael sat down in his chair at the table.

 

Lucia looked from one to the other.  “All right. What is going on? You sent that sweet boy out of the room so it better be good.”

 

“It is,” Rafael said.  He and Vanessa exchanged glances, and then he cleared his throat.  “We’re having a baby.”

 

There was silence as Lucia looked from Rafael to Vanessa, then back to Rafael.  “I’m sorry...did you just say you’re having a baby?”

 

Vanessa felt her stomach turn over.  “Yes. It wasn’t expected but we’re very excited.”

 

Lucia was staring at her wide-eyed, as though she had just grown another head, and suddenly she burst into tears.  Shaking her head, she cried, “I’m going to be an abuelita! I’m sorry...I just never thought this would happen!”

 

“Oh, it’s okay, Lucia, please don’t cry.”  Vanessa patted her back while Rafael grabbed some tissues and handed them to her.  “We thought you would be excited...we didn’t mean to upset you.”

 

“I’m not upset,” she said through her tears.  “I’m so incredibly happy. Rafa, you’re going to be a papi...I’m so proud of you.”

 

“That’s an odd thing to be proud of, Mom…”

 

She smacked his arm.  “You know what I mean.”  She began to cry harder again.  “An abuelita. I will have grandchildren.  I’m so proud!”

 

Vanessa and Rafael shot each other a glance, and she could tell he was biting his lip to keep from laughing.  “Well, Lucia, if you want to, it’s okay for you to be Max’s grandmother too. I mean, I don’t have my mom anymore, and neither does Bobby, and you’ve been so kind to him.  If you ever want to refer to him as your grandson, you’re perfectly welcome to.”

 

“Really?  Really.” She dabbed her face with the tissue.  “TWO grandchildren. Two in one day!”

 

“We haven’t told Max yet,” Rafael explained.  “He’s too young to understand the amount of time in this, so please don’t share it with him yet.  We’ll let you know when we feel he’s ready.”

 

“Of course, of course.”  She blew her nose into the tissue.  Turning to Vanessa, she asked, “Have you been to the doctor yet?”

 

“No.  We have an appointment on Friday.”

 

“Wonderful.  I hope you’ll keep me up to date on anything the doctor tells you!  I want to know.”

 

“We will.”  Rafael squeezed his mother’s hand.  “We’re rooting for a uneventful nine months.”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “A little peace and quiet is good for everyone.”

 

“Speaking of peace and quiet…” Rafael stood.  “I think somebody’s been a little too quiet for a little too long.”

 

He headed down the hallway to check on Max.  Vanessa stood and began to wash the dishes, and Lucia finished clearing the table.

 

****************************************************

Rafael checked his watch.  “What time did you say this appointment was?”

 

She sighed and ran her fingers through his, interlacing them.  “It was scheduled for nine. Relax, Papi. They’ll get to us as soon as they can.”

 

“Papi, huh?”

 

She kissed his cheek.  “Get used to it. Unless you’d rather go by Daddy.  Or we could break all the rules and have the kid call you Rafael.  Hey You would be an option too.”

 

He smiled to himself.  He couldn’t believe they were doing this, here at their first appointment.  Having a baby. He was going to be a father, and it still blew his mind. “Papi is fine,” he said, playing with her fingers.  “I like Papi. But if I’m gonna be Papi, you better watch the context in which you use that.”

 

“Har har,” she snarked.  “And shut up!”

 

Just then a nurse appeared.  “Ms. Rayden?”

 

They stood and followed her to the back.

 

*****************************************

The ride home in the uber was extremely quiet.  She had noticed he had become quiet somewhere during the nurse’s rundown of what to expect during the course of pregnancy, and she wondered if he was having second thoughts.  Squeezing his hand, she asked, “You okay?”

 

“Yeah,” he immediately answered.  “Of course...I guess there are things I didn’t know.  I’m learning.”

 

“Oh yeah?  Like what?”

 

Glancing at the driver, he said, “Let’s discuss this at home.”

 

She nodded.  “Okay. Sure.”

 

Once they got home and made it inside the apartment, she cornered him.  “Sit and spill, Barba. What’s the issue?”

 

“It’s not really an issue, per se…”  He shook his head. “You’re going to be less than impressed with me on these.”

 

“You won’t know if you don’t ask,” she reminded him, sinking into the couch next to him.

 

“Okay.  Well, first…”and he pulled out the notepad he had been jotting on during their appointment.  “What the hell is a transvaginal ultrasound? I thought those things take place outside the body.  And what did she mean by drinking even more water? You already drink a small lake each day. And shouldn’t you be resting more?  You’re pregnant--I don’t think it’s really a good thing for you to do that kickboxing right now. And what’s the ‘watch your weight’ thing about?  I love your body just how it is. So what if you gain more than twenty or twenty-five pounds? Shouldn’t she be focusing on making sure the baby gets here healthy instead of hyper-monitoring everything about you?”

 

“Well,” she interrupted him, “I am this baby’s incubator for the next thirty-two weeks.”

 

“And that’s another thing,” he said exasperatedly, tossing the notepad on the table.  “Why in the hell do they say nine months when it’s forty weeks?”

 

She laughed.  She couldn’t help it.  Then she leaned over and caught his face in her hands.  “Please trust me that it will be okay.”

 

He raised an eyebrow.  “That’s it? That’s all the information I’m gonna get?”

 

“Transvaginal ultrasounds give them a better view in certain situations.  Water helps to keep swelling down and also makes sure I don’t get dehydrated.  I was joking about the kickboxing, I’m not planning to continue it until after the baby is born.  And I’ll nap when I’m tired but I’m hardly bedridden, Rafael...at least not yet. The weight thing is to make sure that we both stay in good health--we don’t want to damage anything.  And she IS focused on the health of our baby. Trust the doctor, okay? I like her.”

 

“Okay, okay.”  He kissed her. “I just don’t want you to feel stressed or like you’re not following the rules when some of these things sound a little picky.”

 

“Okay, okay,” she mimicked him, then grinned and kissed his shoulder.  “Aye Papi.”

 

He took her hand, then met her eyes.  “I really want to do the best I can here.”

 

“I know you do.  I want you to think about how you are with Max, every day he’s here.  And how you’ve been with Lola. And even more importantly, who you are.  This baby is blessed, Rafael. Two parents who love and want it, and are excited about it.”

 

“I guess that counts for something.”

 

She squeezed his hand.  “It actually counts for a lot.”

 

His other hand settled on her belly.  “Thirty-two more weeks,” he sighed. “Thirty-two more weeks and I get to meet you.”

 

She lay her head on his shoulder.  “I love both of you,” she said, content, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

 

*********************************************

“So he’s finally settled down,” Rafael told her as he entered the bedroom and shut the door.  She was in the bed in her pajamas, working on her laptop. She quickly turned it off and laid it aside.

 

He narrowed his eyes.  “Doing something you don’t want me to see?”

 

“No,” she answered defensively, “just stuff.  Personal stuff.”

 

Now his eyebrows shot up.  “What kind of personal stuff are you doing, Vanessa?  Porn?” He cracked a smile, imagining her sitting in the bedroom by herself, watching some kind of porn.  But her face didn’t budge, and he suddenly realized…

 

“Oh my God.  That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?  Please tell me it’s not like that scene from Bad Moms where there’s a real person at the other end of that screen!”

 

“No!” she said defensively, and reached for the computer, but he was faster and grabbed it before she did.  He was laughing and she tried to get it back, but he opened it up and froze.

 

She sunk back against the headboard, waiting for him to speak.

 

“It’s the coffee shop,” he said, surprise in his tone.  He looked at her. “You’re checking out our old shop?”

 

She shrugged.  “Sometimes I miss it.  And look, they kept that family corner like I put in.  And the menu is close to the same--they’re still offering that blended roast you worked so hard on.”

 

“Huh.”  He took a moment scanning through the pictures, before noticing the rental houses tab at the top.  “Checking on the bungalow too?” he asked as he clicked the tab.

 

She nodded.  “Yeah. And guess what?  It’s used as a rental property now, year round.”  She laughed to herself. “We could rent it if we wanted to.”

 

He laughed too, reviewing the pictures of the small home that had encompassed their lives for a year.  “We could rent it and go back. On our own time and our own dime.”

 

“We could.”  And he thought he heard something wistful in her voice.

 

Their eyes met suddenly.  “Do you want to?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound as excited as he felt.

 

She slowly nodded.  “The week after Christmas is open.  I could put down a deposit tonight. Max is supposed to be with Bobby…”

 

He handed the laptop back to her.  “Let’s do it,” he said with an air of finality.

 

Ten minutes later they were booked for the week of December 26th to January 2nd.


	2. December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December holds a lot of happiness and promise for these two.

**_December_ **

 

“Wafa, look!  It’s Santa! Can we go say hi?  Please?”

 

Rafael sighed.  Vanessa had taken Max to see Santa just the other day, and from what he heard about it, it was an adult’s idea of torture.  Long lines, screaming kids, expensive photos...but this Santa was ringing a kettle bell, and he absolutely hated telling Max no.  So he nodded briefly, and they made their way to the door of the department store.

 

“Ho ho ho!  Merry Christmas!” Santa told Max as Rafael dug through his wallet to find a few dollars.

 

“Merry Christmas, Santa!  Do you wemember I’ve been a very good boy?  And you’re gonna come to my momma’s house because I won’t be at Daddy’s until Christmas night but then I will be there but Momma says you wemember everything and I hope you do because I weally WEALLY want that big train I saw and plus the legos and--”

 

“Max,” Rafael interrupted, “Santa has work to do, so here...why don’t you put this money in his kettle?”

 

“Oh.  Okay.”  Max took the five and stuck it in the top of the kettle.  “Here you go.”

 

Santa ho-ho’ed again before bending down.  “I absolutely do remember you’ve been a good boy, Max.  Listen to your momma, she’s always right.” Winking at Rafael, Santa went back to ringing his bell and Rafael took Max’s hand in his own again, making their way back to the apartment.

 

******************************************

They were finishing up the tree, and she had to admit it looked pretty good.  She hadn’t been sure how it would turn out, since they were combining households for the first time at Christmas, but the glow from the lights was a happy one, and each ornament they had placed on the tree told a story.

 

“Hey Momma,” Max said, “why’s baby Jesus not in here?”  He was playing with the nativity figures on the coffee table, and she moved to sit next to him.

 

“Well, because baby Jesus wasn’t born yet.  Everyone was getting ready for him. We put him in the manger on Christmas Eve.”

 

“Oh.  How many sleeps?”

 

She wasn’t even sure, and thought she’d have to pull out her phone, when Rafael chimed in.  “Nine,” he told them. “Nine sleeps.”

 

Max held out nine fingers and counted them.  “That’s not so many,” he commented. “Hey, can I put baby Jesus in when it’s time?”

 

“Sure,” she told him.  “I don’t see why not.”

 

He grinned.  “Awesome!!!”

 

She and Rafael looked at each other, and he shrugged.  “Awesome,” he repeated, and they both laughed.

 

************************************************

Christmas Eve was one of her favorite days of the year. 

 

Sure, it was crazy and there was a ton of stuff to do, but the excitement that took over her on the eve of Christ’s birth somehow filled her soul in a way she didn’t normally experience the rest of the year.  She and Max had made cookies that morning for Santa to eat, and now Rafael was helping Max to wrap his presents and to put them under the tree. They were going to church tonight and tomorrow, Lucia would come by for brunch and opening presents.  Then Max would go to Bobby’s, and they would finish packing their bags to go to the Outer Banks.

 

“Wafa,” Max asked, “how do you spell Momma?”

 

“Oh, are you writing her tag?  It’s M-O-M-M-A.”

 

Max looked at his handiwork, marker still in hand.  “I forgotted an M.”

 

“That’s okay.  Momma will understand, and you can always tell her it’s for her.  Here, you can finish taping this present for your dad.”

 

Max leaned over with the tape.  “Did you get my momma something pretty?  She likes pretty stuff.”

 

Rafael smiled.  “I did. I got her a couple of pretty things.”

 

“Aw,” Max said, “that’s so nice.  You love mommy, don’t you?”

 

“Very, very much.  And you too.”

 

“Hey Wafa, you can be my other daddy if you want to.  Javy has two daddies. And I don’t want you to be sad ‘cause you don’t have a little boy like me.”

 

Whenever he said things like this, Rafael was always floored by how observant Max was, and how thoughtful he tried to be, even if his perspective was a little skewed.  “Thank you, Max. That’s very nice of you to include me.”

 

“I love you, Wafa.  You’re the best Wafa ever.”

 

He handed a bow over.  “I try.”

 

********************************************

“Hey Momma,” Max asked on their way home from church, “did you sing to me like that when I was born?  Like the angels? Did the angels come to sing?”

 

The three of them were holding hands, Max in the middle, less than a block away from the apartment.  He had sat very well through most of church but it was clear the music was his favorite. The choir had been partway through singing The First Noel when he had tugged at Rafael’s sleeve and asked, “Can they sing Frosty next?”

 

“I did sing to you, baby, but it was after you were born.  Because I was so very happy you were here.”

 

“Did the angels come?”

 

“I didn’t see them, but they might have still been there.  Sometimes you can’t see angels.”

 

“Oh.”  

 

They arrived at their building and took the elevator up.  She glanced at Rafael. “You’re quiet tonight. Everything okay?”

 

His smile was relaxed.  “Everything is more than okay.  More like perfect.”

 

An hour later, the cookies were out, baby Jesus lay in his manger, and Max was asleep in his bed.  Rafael had tugged her silently by the arm toward their own bedroom, and she was anxiously anticipating what came next.

 

“Here,” he said as he handed her a small box, sharing a giddy smile.  “I’m making a tradition.”

 

She opened it quickly and found a beautiful dark red lace negligee.  She laughed delightedly before he could speak. “Can I go put it on?”

 

“Will you let me take it off?”

 

“In very short order,” she promised, and he nodded.

She headed to the bathroom and quickly undressed, slipping into the soft fabric.  The lace stretched gently against her skin, and she had to admire the fact that even though red lace could go pretty trashy, this was beautiful.  He always did have wonderful taste in lingerie.

 

She opened the door to find him sitting on the edge of the bed in his boxer briefs, the grinch ones she had gotten on sale last week but couldn’t wait to give to him.  They were ridiculously tacky and said “It grew three sizes that day.” He had rolled his eyes when he opened them, but he wore them the next day, and she very much enjoyed making the words live up to their promise. “Nice skivvies,” she commented, then made her way over to him.

 

He pulled her into his lap.  “Beautiful,” he murmured. “You’re absolutely lovely.”  His hand caught in her hair gently and pulled her down for a kiss.

 

“Is this your Christmas gift?” she teased as his fingers traced over her belly.

 

“It can be.  I get my Christmas gift all year long.”  He suckled her earlobe and cupped a breast.  “I love you, Nessa. Merry Christmas, honey.”

 

She wrapped her arms around him.  “Merry Christmas, Rafa.” Her lips glided over his, and he gently pulled her back on the bed until she was on top of him.

 

They made love slowly and quietly.  He was inside her, rocking his hips, when she caught his face.  “Do you ever think how lucky we are?” she whispered. “We’re together.  I get to marry my best friend. I get to marry the person who understands me more than anyone in this world.”  Her legs tangled with his and he kissed her deeply. “I feel at home with you...every single day.”

 

When he pulled his mouth from hers, he whispered, “I can’t imagine my life without you.  I don’t want to. There’s so much joy, so much goodness here in your heart. We’re building a life together.  We’re building a life.” 

 

She tangled one hand in his hair before pressing her lips to his cheek, and she felt his thrusts speed up, knew she was making him feel good.  “Baby.” She pulled back to meet his eyes. “How can I make it better? What can I do for you?”

 

He smiled dreamily.  “Does it get better than this?”  He gently slid a hand under her thigh and lifted her leg up higher until she wrapped it around his waist.  “I’m so in love. I’d do anything for you. I can’t wait to call you my wife, for everyone to know this beautiful, smart, amazing woman chose me.”  His lips ghosted over her jaw before settling near her ear again. “And I choose you. Every day of my life, I will choose you.”

 

She pulled her other leg up, around his waist, then kissed him thoroughly, tongues twisting until she could barely breathe.  When their lips fell apart, she cupped his face. “More,” she whispered. I want you deeper. I want all of you.”

 

He looked at her hungrily, then pulled back and thrust in deeply, fully.  “Yes, yes, yes,” she told him, “just like that. God I want you. I want you forever.  I love you--”

 

She climaxed before he did, wrapped around him tightly and never wanting to let go.  His fingers interlaced with hers as his thrusts grew erratic and his chest was heaving against her.  Again, she whispered , “I love you,” and she felt him arch, then collapse against her.

 

They fell asleep spooning as they usually did, Vanessa wrapped in Rafael’s arms, snug and comfortable and in love.

 

*****************************************************

“Hey, speed it up, missy.  We’re gonna miss our cab.”

 

She was suddenly reminded about what a meticulous, on time person he was, and for a hot second she resented the hell out of him.  “I’m working on it,” she said, zipping up her last suitcase. The cab was supposed to be picking them up in five minutes and she still had to finish packing her toiletries for her carry on.

 

“Hello?  Okay,yeah.  Great. We’ll be down in a minute.”  Hanging up his phone, he said, “I’m gonna start running these bags down...that should buy you a few minutes.  Will that work?”

 

“It’ll have to,” she groused, poking around for her hairbrush.  

 

Ten minutes later they were in the cab and on their way to the airport.  “I hope I have everything. I hate running late. Now i”m freaking anxious that i’ve forgotten something really important.”

 

“Do you have your ID?” he asked, checking his own.

 

“Yes.  I just hate the feeling of being rushed!”

 

She was snippy and she knew it, and she felt badly about it.  On top of being rushed, she hadn’t been sleeping well. She remembered some of the insomnia, the bad dreams, the nausea from the first time around, but she didn’t remember it being so exhausting.  She picked up his hand. “I’m sorry,” she apologized sincerely. “I’m just overly tired and stressed right now, and the last thing I want to do is stress you out too.”

 

He squeezed her hand.  “We’re going to be okay, bebita.  I promise.”

 

She took a deep breath and expelled it, turning to look out the window.  Hopefully the day would improve from here.

 

*****************************************

They were standing outside of the bungalow, looking at the screened in windows and the swing inside, and Vanessa couldn’t help but remember the last time they were on that swing.  She smiled.

 

“Well, we’re here,” Rafael said, a bag in each hand and another over his shoulder.  “Should we go in?”

 

She nodded and walked quickly ahead of him to unlatch the doors.  “Come on in...we’re home!” she teased him, and he followed her.

 

They stood in the living area of the house, both lost in their own memories.  “It’s exactly the same,” he said, putting down their bags. “It’s almost like we never left.”

 

“Except it’s neater.”  She dropped her things on the floor next to the bags.  “Wanna look around?’

 

They wandered the small 1000 square-foot home, and there was comfort in the familiarity of it.  It felt homey, and it even smelled the same. “Hey,” he interrupted her thought process, “you could make one of the breads you used to make at the coffee shop and then it would be exactly like before.”  

 

She grinned.  “Yeah, it would...the smell would be the same.  I can’t believe I had forgotten so much.” They entered the master bedroom and found it, also, was familiar, and she reached out and grabbed him, pulling him close to her.  “I’m sorry I was so bitchy earlier. I was stressed..and...I don’t know, maybe a little nervous…”

 

He nodded.  “I understand.  I wanted to come but I was also nervous...I didn’t know how it would be, or how we would feel when we got here…”

 

She laughed in relief.  “Well, now we know we’re both okay.”  He pulled her close, then slid his hands in the pockets in the back of her jeans.  “Well, how do you feel about christening the bed again?”

 

Her hands immediately went under his button down, to slide up along his skin, over his belly to his chest.  “I think that’s an excellent idea.”

 

“Hmm, good.”  Nipping her neck, he said, “I’ve been horny all day.”

 

“And you’re honest as well.  What great qualities. I can completely understand why I fell for you.”

 

He snorted, then kissed her while pulling off her clothes.  They pulled apart to finish undressing, and then he yanked the bedspread back.  “Come on, sexy. I wanna go down on you.”

 

“Pushy,” she teased, and he settled himself between her legs, nipping her thighs before running his tongue gently over her clit.  She caught her breath.

 

“Like that?” he asked, and he gently sucked it into his mouth.

 

“Fuck yes...yes, oh yes.  You always make me come so hard, Rafa.”  She caught her breath again as his tongue circled her clit and one finger slipped inside of her.  “You’re such a good lover. I can’t imagine a lover better for me.”

 

He didn’t even want to consider the possibility of her being more sexually matched with someone else, so he threw himself into the task at hand, focusing solely on her pleasure; on the rocking of her hips, the soft moans spilling from her mouth, the way her thigh muscles tightened as his hands ran over them.  Gently he held her farther open, licking in firmer circles around her clit until he felt her entire body stiffen and she cried out his name.

 

He rested his head against her thigh as he kissed and stroked the soft skin on her belly.  She was still gasping for air, chest rising and falling quickly. “You’re beautiful,” he murmured.  “You’re gonna be my wife.”

 

She smiled down at him, then motioned for him to join her on the pillow.  “Your turn, baby.”

 

He grinned at her and slid up the bed until they were both eye to eye on the pillow, and she kissed him slowly.  As her hands roved over her skin, he felt himself melting into the bed, into her, and he tried to imagine sex that was hotter, better than this.  He couldn’t.

 

She was sucking a bruise onto his chest, beginning to work her way down, when he caught her hand.  “Stay up here,” he murmured. “I wanna kiss you. Just...here.” And he put her hand on his erection.

 

She pulled back from him so she could see his entire face.  “You sure?”

 

He nodded.  “We never do it like this.  Let’s do it like this. You’re so pretty and I want to admire.”  His hand ghosted from her breast down to her belly. “I love you, querida.”

 

She wrapped her hand around him firmly, giving him a couple quick jerks and listening to him sigh.  “Let me know if I could do better...different pressure, different position, whatever…”

 

He shook his head.  “You’re perfect.” He kissed her temple slowly.  “Remember when we used to spend entire days in here?  Making love and talking? Holding each other?”

 

“Mmhmm.”  Her other hand was gently stroking his nipples, feeling them grow taut under her fingers, then tugging his chest hair.  “ We fell in love in this house.”

 

She was pumping him steadily, wiping his precum with her thumb as it gathered, and he quietly hummed.  “That feels so good. You’re an incredible lover. You always make me feel so good, Ness…” 

 

His eyelids drooped from the pleasure, and she ran her tongue down to his neck, gently biting and sucking and licking there.  “Not as good as you,” she told him. “I never had an orgasm during sex until you.”

 

“Well, I  _ am _ fairly determined...and studious.  I think it’s important to understand how everything works here.”

 

She laughed.  “Well, you’ve definitely mastered the art of the clitoris.  And I for one am very thankful.”

 

He hummed again.  “Your inner thighs are very sensitive too.  You like it when I stroke and kiss them. Behind your ear, too.”

 

She was surprised.  “You noticed that?”

 

“Of course.  I watch you, you know.” 

 

She did know.  She also knew he was rather astute about most things, but she hadn’t realized he was so astute in her reactions to his touch.

 

He was fucking into her fist now, and she tightened it around him.  “Are you sure you don’t want me to suck you?”

 

“Hmm.  Yes. Maybe.  Maybe now.”

 

She leaned over and kissed his nipple, then licked her way down his torso.  As soon as her head was low enough, his hands tangled into her hair, petting and occasionally pulling lightly.  “That’s so nice,” he murmured as she took the head into her mouth, circling her tongue.

“Ness.”  Her name was a moan.  “I think this is gonna be quick.”

 

She chuckled, then sucked harder, sliding him in further, and he groaned.  “Jesus. I love it when you do this. Feels so good, honey. You’re so good to me.  Love me so good.” He gently rocked his hips up. “This okay?”

 

She pulled off for a moment.  “Of course…” She took him back into her mouth, relaxing her throat, and he rocked back and forth gently.  She could taste his precum, salty over her tongue, and she fought her gag reflex as his cock pushed back further.  Glancing up, she saw his eyes were closed, mouth open, and she knew he was close. Suddenly he opened his eyes and met hers, and she exaggerated her movements to excite him even more.

 

“Oh honey,” he moaned, “I’m so close…”

 

She caught his balls in her hand and gently massaged them.  A minute later he grasped her hair tightly and she felt his hot semen flood her mouth.

 

When she opened her eyes, his body was still arched.  Some of his release had spilled out of her mouth, down his length, and she carefully moved off of him, then went to the bathroom to get a washcloth.  When she came back, he had a forearm over his eyes and his chest was heaving up and down as he tried to catch his breath.

 

She gently wiped him off before leaning forward to kiss his forehead.  “Good, honey?”

 

He removed the forearm from over his eyes and pulled her down against him.  “Do you want to get married?” he asked. “We could do it here, this week.”

 

She laughed.  “That must’ve been some orgasm.”

 

“Very funny.”  He pulled himself up to a sitting position, and she straddled him so they were face to face.  “I was thinking...or I’ve been thinking the last few days, that this is where it started, and what if we got married here?”

 

She shook her head.  “We’ve already told everybody, and semi-invited them--”

 

“Hear me out,” he said.  “We could just do a civil ceremony here, just you and me.  We can save that info for later if you want, or let people know we’re married but will be having a real wedding after the baby comes, complete with a reception.  What do you think?”

 

She snuggled closer to him.  “I think your idea is perfect.  I love the idea. And we were alone so much in the beginning, I can’t wait to recapture some of it...the good parts of it.”

 

He rubbed her back in small circles.  “I will always have good memories from here.  You’re the reason for that, Ness. How I went into witness protection who I was and came out who I am, you’re responsible.  You’re the catalyst. You taught me how important it is to engage, to show up with other people. I’d never had that before.”

 

She leaned forward and pressed her forehead to his.  “When should we do this? Isn’t your mom going to be furious?”

 

“I don’t know if she will or not.  I’ll hit her from the religious angle and maybe she’ll forgive me.  Who knows. What I do know is I’m tired of waiting for the rest of my life.”

 

“Friday, New Year’s Eve.  Let’s do it then. Do you think we can get a judge to come here?”

“I’m not sure,” he replied.  “Let me see what I can do.”

 

*******************************************

It was 4:30 and chilly as they gathered on the beach in front of the bungalow.  Rafael had been able to contact a friend of a friend who knew a judge nearby. The judge had brought his wife to be a witness.  

 

Rafael wore jeans, a white button down, and his puffer jacket, because it was 33 degrees.  Vanessa also wore jeans and a beautiful cream-colored sweater underneath her leather jacket.  They stood in the sand, facing each other, as the judge guided them through the brief ceremony.  When it came time to take their vows, Vanessa spoke first.

 

“Rafael, I have thought about what I wanted to say on this day for a very long time.  You’ve given me hope when I had none, strength when I felt weak, happiness when all I could see was the dark.  You rejoice in my triumphs and comfort me when I fail. I have never been loved the way you love me. Most people don’t.  You are such a good man and I am humbled to be part of your life and to take the role of your wife. I am so, so blessed.”  She took a shuddery breath, and he reached over and gently wiped a tear from under her eye as he blinked back his own. “Today I promise to choose you, willingly and purposefully, to be my husband every day for the rest of our lives.”  She slid the ring on his finger, and he swallowed hard before speaking.

 

“Vanessa, I often tell you that you are my everything.  There hasn’t been a day where I have ever felt unloved or not cared for by you.  Everything about your soul is big--your heart, your kindness, your brilliance, your compassion.  And you love big, and I have been swept up into that love and never want to let it go. I vow to love, honor, respect, and cherish you for the rest of our lives.  I choose you as my partner, I choose you as my lover, I choose you as my wife. You are my everything.” He gently slid the ring on her finger, watching her silent tears fall.  He was having trouble with his own.

 

“Congratulations, Rafael and Vanessa.  It give me great pleasure to tell you that you are now married in the eyes of the state of North Carolina and the country of the United States of America.”

 

The smile plastered on his face was brighter than the diamonds in her ring, and she kissed him long, deeply, hoping that they both remembered this moment forever.

 

“My wife,” he murmured.  “My beautiful wife.”

 


	3. January

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They sat on the bench kissing for several minutes. His lips were soft, brushing over hers, and he was stroking her hair, wrapping it around his fingers. “My love. For the rest of our lives, you’ll be my love.” He bent his head into her neck and kissed her there gently before coming back to her lips.
> 
> “I’ve never been this happy,” she whispered, and he used both thumbs to wipe away her tears.
> 
> “Are you ready to go back? We have time if you want to stay. It’s almost midnight, though…”
> 
> She shook her head. “Let’s go.” And they headed back to the bungalow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING--This chapter contains explicit material. 
> 
> Thanks so much for the encouragement, everyone! Please feel free to leave comments and kudos!

**_January_ **

 

They had gone down the street for dinner at one of the nicest places in the outer banks.  She felt like she spent the whole night examining her ring. They had only bought them a few days ago and paid an extra fee for quick sizing, but it was worth it.  They had gone with a traditional set, gold for each of them, and engraving on the inside of their nicknames and the date. The engagement ring and the wedding ring sparkled on her hand, and she couldn’t stop staring.

 

He caught her hand in his.  “Hey wifey, what are you going to order?”

 

She couldn’t stop smiling.  “I forgot to look at the menu.  Order for me.”

 

He laughed.  “Come on, you can look at the ring after--”

 

“Except now I want to look at you.”  She leaned forward. “I’m so madly in love with my husband.  I just needed to say that out loud.”

 

He squeezed her hand and then took a sip of his champagne.  “I think the feeling is very, very mutual.”

 

The waiter appeared and took their order, and Vanessa ordered the special of the day.  Whatever that was. It didn’t matter.

 

After dinner, they walked down to the beach.  There was a boarded walkway leading from the restaurant to the beach, lit with lamps every few feet.  They took a seat on one of the benches when they got closer to the waves. “What should we do now?” she teased him, squeezing his hand.  “So many options…”

 

“Hmm.”  He dipped his head slightly to kiss her.  “Thank you, Nessa. Thank you for being you.”

 

They sat on the bench kissing for several minutes.  His lips were soft, brushing over hers, and he was stroking her hair, wrapping it around his fingers.  “My love. For the rest of our lives, you’ll be my love.” He bent his head into her neck and kissed her there gently before coming back to her lips.

 

“I’ve never been this happy,” she whispered, and he used both thumbs to wipe away her tears.

 

“Are you ready to go back?  We have time if you want to stay.  It’s almost midnight, though…”

 

She shook her head.  “Let’s go.” And they headed back to the bungalow.

 

********************************************

She had looked for a long time to find this particular negligee.  Ever since he asked her to marry him in October, and even some before.  She had wanted something simple but pretty, that she could feel confident in and he would love.  That ended up being a harder list of criteria to meet than she had initially anticipated. But finally, a few weeks ago, she had found the one she thought was perfect.  A soft lace cream that supported her breasts and skimmed away from the rest of her body, with soft cream panties to match. 

 

Checking herself out in the mirror, she fussed with her hair and added a spritz of cologne.  Part of her was in awe, that they had really done this. They were married now. She had gotten to marry her best friend.  And they were ecstatic.

 

But another part of her felt like she had always known this would happen, that this was how the universe was supposed to be.  That her whole life had been leading her to here, and she couldn’t imagine ever wanting anything else.

 

At last she opened the bathroom door to find him stripped down to a pair of silk gray boxers that fit him beautifully.  Leaning against the doorknob, she said, “You know, I could just admire you like this all night. You’re gorgeous.”

 

He chuckled and took a step toward her.  “I could say the same. I definitely married up.”

 

“Ha,” she answered, and he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, his tongue gently tracing her lips until she allowed entry, and she relaxed into the pleasure she so related to him.

 

She gently ran her hands over his back, kneading and feeling his muscles respond.  “You’re so sexy,” she whispered in his ear, and she could feel him stiffening against her in anticipation.  “I married me a very sexy man.” She pulled back from his body just slightly, enough that she could stroke his chest as she loved to do.  Her fingers ran over the wiry hair on his pectorals, then circled his nipples, taking one in her mouth at a time and listening to him sigh.  “I’ve never wanted somebody so much,” she commented, letting her hands wander over his ribs and his belly. “Never. I get so excited even thinking about you...thinking about being alone with you...knowing if I ask you, you’ll make me come every single time.”  She knelt down and settled on her knees, hooking her thumbs into the waistband of his boxers. “You always tell me how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, like I’m some kind of incredible gift for you.” She slid the boxers down and watched his erection spring out. She leaned forward and kissed it.  “But I’m well aware that you’re the gift, Rafael. You’re a gift I get to open every single day.”

 

He was watching her carefully, watching as she had spoken and now as she took him into her mouth, licking his head and then sinking down on his shaft, and more than anything, he wanted 

to be inside of her, enveloped in her, feeling one with her.  “Nessie.” His voice was soft. “Come here, baby. I need you.  I just need to be inside you…”

 

She gently released him and he helped her to stand.  His thumbs ran over her nipples and he reached under the negligee and slipped off her panties, then sat down on the bed.  His hands settled on her hips, and she rested her hands on his shoulders, then leaned down to kiss him.

 

He pulled her between his legs, then ran his hands up her sides, under the negligee, over her warm skin.  She was soft, and he spread his fingers, taking in as much of her body as he could. Sometimes he wondered if he had actually touched every inch of her or if something had gotten past him.  Some beautiful section of her body that he’d inadvertently missed. He didn’t want to miss anything. HIs fingers worked their way around to her ribs, then between her breasts, and he unfastened the clasp.  Peeling the fabric back from her, he captured a nipple into his mouth again and sucked firmly, then ran his hand over her stomach, down her abdomen, in between her legs. He slipped one finger inside. She was wet.

 

He fingered her slowly, watching her expression, which drifted from surprise to increasing pleasure, and after a minute he moved his own body back to the headboard, sitting up.  “Are you ready?” he asked, and she was reminded again of how he was always so thoughtful of her--her desires, her needs, her limits. She climbed onto the bed and carefully straddled him, resting on his thighs.  

 

“Yes,” she answered, kissing him again, open-mouthed and hot.  “I’m ready. For you. For us.” She caught his face in both hands.  “For this.”

 

He let her toy with his tongue then, her own teasing and tangling, as he pulled her body up closer and guided himself inside of her.  She was hot and wet and tight, and he felt his eyes roll back in the pleasure of it all. His wife. His Nessa.

 

She sunk down on him and moaned into his mouth.  “I love you. So much,” she murmured into his ear, feeling his hands splay across her back and his mouth pepper her face with kisses.  She rocked her hips against his gently, and his eyes met hers.

 

“You think this will ever get old, querida?”  His hands traveled back and forth from her shoulders to her hips.  “Think we’ll ever say no thanks to this?”

 

She pressed her forehead to his.  “I have a hard time picturing that.”

 

“Me too.”  

 

Her fingers were tracing the whorls of chest hair, tugging gently, as he held her hips and began to rock more firmly upward.  “So beautiful.” His fingers traced a nipple, then tugged it. “I want to feel this way for the rest of my life.”

 

“Hmm.”  She kissed him again, and he caught her hips, pulling her down more forcefully as he thrust upward.  She picked up his rhythm and followed him, grinding down as he thrust up until they both felt dizzyingly high.  His fingers reached between her legs and began to stroke her clit in rhythm, and she sighed, “Oh, Rafa. That feels so good.  I want to come.”

 

“You feel so good, honey.”  He pulled his face back from hers a few inches and smiled as he thrust more quickly.  “I love watching you come. Can I watch you?” His fingers danced quickly over her and her entire body was tingling, and she wondered if he was this aroused, too.

 

“Yeah.  Are you close?” She sped up with him, then nipped his ear.  “Wanna watch you too. You’re so sexy. I love knowing I get you excited…”  She stopped as she felt the pleasure coursing through her body, and one of her hands pressed on top of his as he rubbed her clit.  “Don’t stop, Rafa...please…”

 

He clutched her closely, watching as her chest began to heave and her eyes closed; his hand held the same rhythm as his hips drove up quickly into her.  He could feel it too and he shuddered. And then he felt her tighten around him as she grasped at his body and she was moaning his name in his ear. He followed her, thrusting blindly upward and knowing he would never, ever want this as much with anyone else.

 

******************************************

They woke mid-morning and made love again, calling each other by their new titles until they were giddy and twisted together and laughing.  Then they showered together, taking their time, and toweled off. 

 

“Do you think the shop is open today?” he asked her as he pulled on his jeans.

 

“Dunno.  We could always go check.”  She pulled his old Harvard sweatshirt on and shot him a grin when he looked affronted.

 

“Oho!  So that’s how it’s gonna be now, huh?  You marry me and suddenly you raid my wardrobe?”

 

She snorted.  “I’ve been raiding your wardrobe for a year.  Besides, it looks good on me and it smells so good…” she took a sniff…”just like you.  It makes me happy.”

 

He shook his head but grinned at her.  “I need coffee...wanna walk over?”

 

“Sure.”  So they found themselves taking the path they had always followed to work, and a few minutes later they were at the door of their old business.

 

They were open, with a handful of people wandering in and out.  Rafael raised his eyebrows to Vanessa, then held the door for her.  “After you, babe.”

 

Stepping into the shop, Vanessa took a quick look around and was immediately engulfed in memories from a year ago.  Everything looked familiar. Like home.

 

“It’s the same,” Rafael said, surprised.  “It’s exactly the same.”

 

They approached the counter to place their order and were startled when Dina, their old neighbor, was working the cash register.  “Dina?” Vanessa asked, shocked. “Oh my God!”

 

Dina did a double take before her loud, southern voice rang out.  “Oh my God! Liz! Ed! Oh my God, you’re not Liz and Ed. I don’t even know what to call you!”  She hurried around the register to the front of the counter and embraced each of them in a warm hug.

 

Laughing, Rafael said, “It’s actually Rafael and Vanessa.  Did you buy this place?”

 

She nodded.  “Sure did. It’s been wonderful.  We’ve kept it going exactly how you all had it, and the community loves it.  It’s also given us the opportunity to spend more time with Brady, which is perfect.”  She paused. “We were absolutely shocked when we found out who you all were. Just so glad you got to return home.  Are your families here with you now?”

 

Rafael and Vanessa looked at each other.  “Well,” he said, “we actually just got married here yesterday afternoon.  On the beach in front of the bungalow.”

 

Dina’s eyes grew big.  “Of all the afternoons for us to be out,” she mused.  “That’s a beautiful place to get married! I didn’t realize you two were actually involved...in real life.”

 

Vanessa laughed.  “It just kind of happened while we were here.  How’s Brady?”

 

“Fantastic!  Take a look.”  She pulled out her phone and handed it to Vanessa, who scrolled through a dozen pictures.

 

“I can’t believe how big he is now!” she said, and Rafael shook his head.  

 

“How long are you here for?  Are you around enough that we could get together?”

 

“Well, we’re supposed to fly out of Norfolk tomorrow afternoon…”

 

She shook her head.  “Damn. We have plans tonight into tomorrow--spending the night with my sister in Manteo.  She just had a baby, and so we’re helping out right now.”

 

“Speaking of which,” Rafael chimed in, “guess what?  We’re due July 7th.”

 

“Oh my God!”  Dina immediately reached for Vanessa’s stomach.  “Congratulations, you guys. Babies are the absolute best!”

“Well, we do have one at home...I have a son who’s going to be four this month.”  Vanessa pulled out her own phone and brought up a picture of Max and Rafael playing at the park.

 

Dina examined the photo closely.  “Oh honey, he’s just beautiful.” Then, as though she suddenly connected the dots, she said, “And you were without him the whole time you were here, weren’t you?  No wonder there was always such sadness in your eyes.”

 

Vanessa was taken aback by her comment.  Had she been that easy to read? She had thought she had covered better.

 

“Look at me, not even offering you all a drink.  What would you like? It’s on the house!”

 

They ordered themselves coffee and a light breakfast, and Rafael made sure to squeeze a twenty into the tip jar.

 

******************************************

They were lying in bed, making out, taking their own sweet time.  

 

“I’m gonna make you come today,” he murmured in her ear, before blowing on it and nipping it.  They both started to laugh, and he reached over and tickled her side. “Gonna make you come three times before dinner.”

 

“Yeah?”  she was laughing into his mouth and he gently bit her lip.  “I like this goal of yours. Why three though?”

 

“Mmm, time constraints.  Plus you’ll get too sensitive after awhile.  They’re supposed to feel good, not torturous.”

 

“Wow, thanks for that piece of info.”  She ran her hand over his hip and back to his ass.  “Have I mentioned today how much I love your ass?”

 

“No.  Feel free to admire.”

 

“Oh I will.”  She squeezed both cheeks with her hands.  “Do you ever miss it? Anal, I mean.”

 

He felt his body stiffen at the question.  He wasn’t really sure how to answer that, and told her so.  “I’m not sure exactly what you’re asking. If you’re asking from a purely physical sense, sometimes I do.  But it’s not an obsessive thought or wish. If you’re asking do I miss being with a man, the answer is no. I’m quite happy with the person I’ve chosen.”

 

She smiled at him.  “I guess I was asking both,” she confessed, “although it probably would have made more sense to ask before yesterday.”  She ran her fingers over his ass gently. “You ever think about doing that? With me?”

He sighed.  It had honestly never come up before now.  They were far from prudish, but neither of them had ever mentioned it.  “Do you mean me penetrating you or you pegging me?”

 

Her eyes widened and she looked thoughtful.  “Hmm. I was referring to the former but now you’ve planted an interesting idea in my head…”

 

“Oh geez.”  He blew a raspberry on her ribcage and she collapsed into laughter.  “Have you ever had anal?”

 

“Yes.  I wasn’t born yesterday, Rafa.  Geez yourself.”

 

“So...how was it?”  He was tracing the scar on her hip again absentmindedly, like he usually did when they talked in bed.

 

“Uh, less than thrilling.  I don’t think he really had any idea where to go with that.  From what I’ve read since, there’s supposed to be some prep work involved.”

 

Now his eyes got big.  “You mean he didn’t even...prep you?”

 

She shook her head.  “Nope. And I was naive and young and agreed to it.  He lubed it up and went for it.”

 

He was still looking at her wide-eyed, and finally said, “Well thank God your taste in men has improved.”

 

She smacked him with a pillow, and a second later they were in the middle of a pillow fight, laughing and rolling all over the bed until he finally pinned her down and said, “I love you.”

 

Gasping for breath and still giggling, she finally squeezed out, “I love you too.”  A minute later she asked, “Wanna try it? Well, I guess it wouldn’t be trying it for you because you have a lot of...experience...in this matter.  But I’m willing to try.”

 

He grinned at her.  “My wife is kinky.”

 

She snorted.  “Oh come on. Like you didn’t already know.”

 

“Well, if we’re going to,” he began, sliding his body closer to hers, “we need to start some serious making out here.  Get us both warmed up. You like that idea?”

 

“I thought we already were seriously making out.  What are you implying, that I’m slacking? My makeout game isn’t up to your standards?”

 

He tickled her again and climbed on top of her, pinning her arms above her head.  She could feel his erection against her thigh, and thinking about it made her shiver.  “You,” he said, kissing her eyelids, “are a makeout queen. I bow to your skills.”

 

“You nut.”  She pulled her arms out from his hands and ran them through his hair.  As she petted him, the silliness left her face, replaced by love. “I adore you, Rafael Barba.  And I love the idea of you warming me up almost as much as I love the idea of trying to put your dick up my ass.”

 

They both burst into laughter, kissing each other silly, and a moment later their hands were roaming, fondling, touching everywhere.  By the time his fingers slipped inside her, she was moaning softly, and she had wrapped a hand around his cock, slowly pumping him.

 

His tongue was running over her earlobe when he whispered, “Do you seriously want to try this?”

 

“Yes.  Yes I do.”  Their lips found one another’s for a moment and kissed deeply, and he withdrew his fingers from her.  Pulling up, he reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the lube he had put in there when they unpacked.

 

Moving back toward her, he kissed her knee.  “Look, if it’s uncomfortable in any way, you need to tell me.  If we do this right, it shouldn’t hurt.”

 

She nodded.  “Okay, I got it.  If somehow I’m suffering, you’ll damn well know about it.”

 

“Great.  No pressure.  Roll over on your side.”

 

She did as he asked, and watched as he dribbled some lube onto his fingers, then rubbed them together to warm it.  He gently slid one finger into her, stopping until she relaxed, and then continuing the rest of the way. “Okay?” he asked softly, and she nodded.  He leaned up and kissed her. If he could possibly get any harder, he swore it was happening at this moment.

 

Her hand was still stroking his cock, and he slowly slid his finger in and out for several minutes before asking, “You want to try two?”

 

“Mmhmm.”  He was kissing her again, and she was drowning in them.  She felt a second finger join the first, slowly, and she sighed.  “Feels good.”

 

His eyes met hers, and stayed open this time while he kissed her.  They watched each other, as their tongues touched, and she could feel his fingers starting to stretch her, to scissor back and forth slowly.  She couldn’t, didn’t want to close her eyes. He was the most beautiful man she’d ever seen.

 

After several minutes, he whispered, “Do you feel good?”

And she answered, “Yes.”  Then she tangled her tongue with his one last time before he sat up.

 

She watched him as he lubed himself up, admiring the shininess of his cock, and her mind drifted off to how much he pleased her, how much pleasure he brought her in every way.  

 

He brought her attention back.  “You ready?’

 

She nodded and rolled onto her belly, resting her head on her forearm.  He adjusted her knees slightly, pulled her ass up, and she felt the head of him gently press forward.  “If it hurts, tell me...don’t wait, okay?”

 

“Okay.  I’m fairly certain I’ll survive, though.”

 

He didn’t answer.  She felt herself tighten at his attempt.  He stroked her back for a moment before saying, “It’s okay, Nessie.  Just relax. When you’re ready.”

 

A moment later she felt herself relax and he slowly pushed in, then held still.  “I’m good now,” she said after a minute, and he pushed in farther.

 

He was moving incredibly slow, and something about the whole thing turned her on immensely.  Knowing that he trusted her enough to share this. Knowing she trusted him enough to let him.  She exhaled and felt him pull back slightly, then push forward again. And then he thrust again.

 

“Nessie.”  He sounded out of breath.  “You okay? Does it feel okay?”

 

“Yeah,” she answered.  “You feel so good.” And he did.  As he began a slow rhythm, she found her entire body to be aroused.  Looking back over her shoulder, she caught a glimpse of his face, and he was flushed and watching where they connected.  “Is it good for you, baby? My body feel good?”

 

He felt himself turn even redder than he already was.  “God yes,” he muttered. “So tight. So good, Nessie...do you need me to stop?”

 

“No,” she said firmly, and pushed back against him just to prove her point.  He groaned. 

 

It was only a few minutes more before his hand snaked between her legs, rubbing her fiercely, and she knew he was incredibly close.  “Baby. Finish me later. You need to come, don’t you? Don’t you want to come right now?”

 

He was panting, sweat dripping from his chest, and as she caught sight of him in the mirror she thought he’d never looked more vulnerable, nor more beautiful.  “Don’t want to leave you behind,” he gasped. “Want it so good for you--”

 

She pushed back against him again.  “Come, baby. Come now. Come on, Rafa.  Wanna feel you come in me.”

 

He groaned again.  “Nessa...Nessie...I love you…”She felt him grip her hips hard and  thrust in two, three times. “Nessa…” He was still and she knew he was climaxing.

 

“Yes, Rafa...you’re so good...such a good lover...I love you, baby.  Come, honey. So good,” she murmured repeatedly until she felt his torso lay on her back, and she lay flat on the bed, on her stomach.

 

He was slowly kissing her shoulder, her neck, and he finally pulled out.  “Be right back,” he mumbled, and she watched him head to the bathroom, looking a bit off kilter.

 

Getting up, she grabbed a pair of panties and slid them on, then got back into the bed.  He joined her a few minutes later, after washing up and putting on a new pair of boxer briefs.  “So what did you think?” he asked her. “Would you do it again?”

 

“I can honestly say, even if I hadn’t enjoyed it at all, I would do it again because of how excited it made you.”

 

He looked stunned for a moment.  She thought he was going to grow defensive, so she stopped him with a hand up.  “Listen. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you enjoying that. Do you know how much it turns me on when you’re turned on?  It’s one of the best feelings in the world.”

 

He lay his head on the pillow next to hers.  “I do know. I feel the same when I watch you.”  He reached out and slowly traced a line from her neck down to her panties.  “Speaking of which, somebody owes you an orgasm.”

 

“That’s right,” she concurred, suddenly remembering she didn’t make it in time.  “Is that somebody ready now, or does he need a break first? He’s not exactly a spring chicken anymore.”  She winked at him and he feigned horror.

 

“You’re gonna take that back, missy...come back over here!”  And he pulled her over against him, kissing her repeatedly until their laughter turned into soft moans.

 

********************************************

At her twelve-week checkup, Rafael brought a notepad of questions and his gold pen to write down the answers.

 

Vanessa tried to comfort herself with the thought that he was just being thorough.  Let him do him, she told herself, but when he pulled out his phone to record the doctor’s answers, she had to do something.

 

“Honey,” she said through clenched teeth, “you’re not allowed to have recording devices on in the room.”  She motioned to a sign on the wall stating phones should be turned off and put away the whole visit.

 

“But that’s not what they mean,” he objected.  “That’s if I’m wanting to call in my bet on the horse race.  This is completely different. I want to make sure I don’t forget anything.”

 

Dr. Rashid entered the room then and greeted them both warmly--warmly, that is, until she saw the phone.  “Mr. Barba,” she began, “phones are not permitted to be on in the exam rooms. I’m sure you’re well meaning, but we cannot allow that.  It violates privacy regulations.”

 

“Oh, but that’s not why I’m using it,” he explained.  “See, I have these questions…” he handed her the notepad, and Vanessa watched as the doctor’s eyebrows raised up a good two inches “...and I wanted to record your answers in case I wasn’t able to write it down quickly enough.”

 

Dr. Rashid looked at Rafael, then at Vanessa.  “Mr. Barba, I see you have a lot of questions and I want to give my full attention when I answer these.  Today I only have room for Vanessa’s appointment and a few general questions. But if you would like to set up a time next week to come in, we can meet in my office and I can answer anything you like.  You can also record that conversation, if you so choose.”

 

Rafael slowly nodded.  “That would be great, Dr. Rashid.  Thank you.” Vanessa breathed a huge sigh of relief, and the doctor turned toward her.

 

“Let’s get you taken care of now,” she said, smiling, and they began the exam.

 

***************************************************

“Happy Birthday!” Max told everyone who came to the door.  “I’m four today! We are gonna have a fun time!”

 

They had invited a handful of his friends from preschool, as well as Noah and Jesse, and extended casual invites to the rest of the squad if they wanted to stop by.  The kids played well together, even if they were a bit boisterous, and Vanessa saved the cake and ice cream for just before everyone went home. 

 

Max and Rafael had been practicing how to say thank you for presents, even if it wasn’t what he wanted or if he already had it.  Max had made a doozy of a blunder on Christmas when Lucia had brought him a new lego set. Excitement was all over his face until he opened it and saw the main color was blue and not green.  “Oh, I wanted green,” he said sadly. “I don’t want a blue one.”

 

Vanessa had been horrified, and no amount of swearing it wasn’t a big deal by either Lucia or Rafael could fix it.  She and Max had a long talk after that. “But I was honest, Mommy! You alway say you gotta be honest!”

 

“About most things.”  She couldn’t believe she was having to explain white lies to a three-year old.  “But if being honest is going to hurt somebody, sometimes it’s better to lie a little.  Instead of saying “I wanted the green one’ the nice thing to say is ‘thank you’, and that’s all, because it won’t hurt anyone’s feelings, and after Rafael and I can take you to the store and get a different one.  Okay?”

 

He nodded.  Rafael had practiced with him for his upcoming party, hoping he would understand a bit and not make the same mistake.

 

When they went to open presents, Max was delighted over everything he got, and passed his gifts around so everyone could see them.  When he got to Lucia’s gift, he opened it slowly. Inside, he found a variety of sand toys to use at the park. “Miss Lucia!” he gasped excitedly, “Thank you and that’s all!”

 

Vanessa pressed her head into Rafael’s chest.  And this is only the first one, she thought. 

 

*****************************************


	4. February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She snorted. “So compassionate for our child and its mother. You do realize when this child is here, you’ll have to share the boobs, right? They won’t just be yours anymore?”
> 
> He screwed up his face. “Yeah, go ahead and remind me now.” Reaching up, he cupped her breasts in his hands. “They feel about the same right now,” he said, and she could tell from his tone he was completely serious. “And yes, you do have a little bump. A tiny one. I can tell because I’m super observant about your body.” He grinned. “I should take notes on this. With photos.”
> 
> “Sometimes I just want to conk you in the head,” she griped, and he laughed.

**_February_ **

 

The snow was falling heavily, and they were predicting over a foot of it by morning.  Vanessa had made it to the store on her way home to stock up on storm necessities--batteries, water, hot cocoa, and the makings for soup.  She could hardly wait to get the pot on. Max was safe at Bobby’s for the weekend and possibly after, depending on how quickly they could dig out.

 

She heard him open the front door.  “Hey,” she called out to him, and heard him rustling with his jacket and shoes.

 

He rounded into the kitchen.  “Hey.” He bent toward her for a kiss, and then caught her right afterward, pulling her body close to his.  “It’s cold out there. Warm me up, little wifey.”

 

“Oh, is that one in my job description too?  Act as a heater during cold weather?” She wrapped herself around him anyway and nipped at his ear.

 

“I’m sure it is.  Besides, you do it so well.”  Kissing her again, he whispered, “Hey, did I mention that I love you?”

 

She snuggled close to him.  “Nope. And you can tell me again too if you want.  I’m gonna go change clothes and get into something comfy.”

 

He followed her to the bedroom and five minutes later they were both in sweats and slipper socks, ready for a weekend in.  He went to start the fireplace, and then came back to the bedroom a minute later. “You coming?” he asked, then he noticed she was in front of the mirror.  “Lose something?”

 

She tossed the sweatshirt over to the bed and pulled the sweats to her hips.  “I’m just trying to see it. They said I’ve gained a little weight...I’d like to think there was a good reason for that.”

 

“There is,” he told her, moving closer and rubbing her belly.  “It looks good in your butt and your boobs.”

 

She snorted.  “So compassionate for our child and its mother.  You do realize when this child is here, you’ll have to share the boobs, right?  They won’t just be yours anymore?”

 

He screwed up his face.  “Yeah, go ahead and remind me now.”  Reaching up, he cupped her breasts in his hands.  “They feel about the same right now,” he said, and she could tell from his tone he was completely serious.  “And yes, you do have a little bump. A tiny one. I can tell because I’m super observant about your body.” He grinned.  “I should take notes on this. With photos.”

 

“Sometimes I just want to conk you in the head,” she griped, and he laughed.

 

“Seriously, honey, you’re beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful and I know this baby is going to be beautiful too.”

 

She leaned back against him.  “Promise?” she asked. “Are you still gonna think that in a few months when I’m roughly the size of a barge?”

 

“The loveliest barge every,” he teased her, “and yes, I would think that no matter what.  My wife is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.” Still stroking her belly, he asked, “Are you really in the mood for bad TV and junk food, or should we, I don’t know, express our love for each other right now?”

 

Laughing, she said, “I’d definitely have to go with option two, as long as option one follows close behind.  Momma gets hungry, you know.”

 

“Yes,” he hummed pulling her closer, “I know all about your appetites.”

 

*********************************************

“Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today.”  Vanessa said, as she sat in the chair across from Liv’s desk, fiddling with her phone.

 

“Of course.  You said it was important--”

 

“It is.”  She was nervous and didn’t even know why.  She’d already let Whitnauer know, and he had suggested she tell Benson right away, because he’d be sending paperwork over in the next couple of days.  So much for doing this on her own timetable. 

 

She took a deep breath.  “I’m pregnant.”

 

For a brief second, Liv looked shocked, then she quickly recovered and schooled her expression into one of excited surprise.  “Congratulations!” she said warmly, then hesitantly afterward, “this is a good thing, yes?”

 

Vanessa smiled, more out of relief than anything, and nodded.  “Yes. It’s very good. We’re both thrilled.”

 

“That’s wonderful.  I’m so happy for you guys.  How far along?”

 

“Eighteen weeks.  We wanted to wait a bit…”

 

Liv nodded.  “To be sure. I understand.”

 

“Yes.”  Vanessa shifted in her seat.  “We still haven’t told most people.  I mean, nobody here knows, and we’re not telling Max for a couple more weeks.  We have the first ultrasound at the end of the month, so we’ll take him to that, but otherwise…”

 

“I get it,” she chuckled.  “I can’t imagine telling Noah something like that.  He’d ask me every day of the pregnancy when the baby was coming.”

 

Vanessa laughed.  “Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to avoid.  I did want to let you know, though. I’ve notified Whitnauer and he’ll be sending you paperwork.”

 

“Desk duty for you should be a lot of fun.”  She winked at Vanessa’s eye roll. “We’ll try to keep it entertaining.”

 

“I appreciate it.”

 

“You still aiming to get married by the end of the year?”

 

Vanessa sighed.  “Well, that’s another thing I need to let you know about, because I’m sure it’s on Whitnauer’s paperwork.  We got married on New Year’s Eve. Just a really short, civil ceremony with us and the judge and his wife for witnesses.  We’re going to do the actual ceremony and reception later, after the baby is here, but we both wanted to be married before the baby arrives…” she nervously drummed her fingertips on Olivia’s desk.  “Again, we haven’t told people...I’m just telling you now because I’ve had to disclose everything to Whitnauer, and I’d rather you hear it from me than from him.”

 

Liv looked shocked, and Vanessa didn’t blame her.  “It’s a lot to take in at once, I know,” Vanessa added, nodding.  “I guess we both just didn’t want to field a lot of questions. And we tend to be fairly private about everything.  Maybe private isn’t the right word...maybe protective is a better word for it.” She pulled her hands back into her lap.  “But you’re all caught up now. Married and pregnant, like an after school special.”

 

Liv broke into a smile.  “Well, regardless, you know I just want you all to be happy.  And it looks like you’re happy.”

 

“We are.”  Vanessa stood to leave, then turned back around.  “You won’t say anything to anyone?”

 

Liv shook her head.  “No, I won’t.”

 

Vanessa breathed a sigh of relief.  “Thank you...I just want to wait until we tell Max, before we tell everyone else.”  She left the office, closing the door behind her.

 

*******************************************

“Hey,” Rafael greeted her as he pulled his coat off and slung it on the back of the bar seat.  “How’s life?”

 

Liv smiled at him.  “Decently good right now.  Yours?”

 

He grinned and motioned to Anthony, the bartender.  “Can’t complain.”

 

“I hear you’re considering a move back to SVU.”  She took a sip of her wine.

 

He laughed.  “Considering is the operative term.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do. McCoy is still weighing his options.”

 

“Hmm.”  She watched as Anthony delivered Rafael’s scotch to him.  “So when were you going to tell me?”

 

He knew this had been the point of her invitation, he just hadn’t expected her to get to it this quickly.  “Tell you what, about potential career moves?” he asked, choosing to play dumb instead of just answering her question.

 

She snorted.  “Tell me you’ve decided to conquer all your fears at once...marriage, babies…”

 

He took a long drink, then set the tumbler down and looked at her.  “I’ve changed a lot, Liv. The me from two years ago isn’t the same man.”

 

“I see.”  She turned her body to face him.  “So all of this...changing...this has all happened and, what?  You never mentioned it? I guess I thought we were still, I don’t know, in each other’s circles.”

 

He could hear the hurt in her voice.  He knew she was upset at being left out of the changes in his life.

 

“I mean, I get that you have a relationship with someone now, and you’ll never find me saying a bad word about Rayden.  You know that. I used to tell YOU that she was a major asset. Remember those days?” She lifted her wine glass and took a drink.

 

“I do,” he acknowledged.  “And you were right.”

 

A sarcastic laugh escaped her.  “You know, part of me is happy for you all.  She’s over the moon, and I can see that. Marriage and babies and all that, I’m sure it’s wonderful.”  She stared at her wine glass, quiet for a moment. “I just wonder if you were ever going to tell me, or if you purposely just waited until Rayden had to inform me because she’s part of my squad.”

 

He cleared his throat.  “I didn’t do that purposefully, Liv.  You have to know that.” She was still looking into her glass, and he reached over and put his hand on hers.  “Hey. Vanessa and I made a decision together to wait before we told anyone about this stuff. But then Whitnauer had called the other night and she had to tell him.  After she hung up, we talked and decided the best course of action was for her to tell you first in a professional capacity.”

 

“She’s almost halfway through her pregnancy, Rafael.  You’ve been married for over a month. And in all that time, you didn’t see fit to tell me any of it?”

 

He sighed.  “Liv, Vanessa and I decided--”

 

She smirked at him.  “You’re not going to take any responsibility here, are you?  Just going to toss it all back onto her.” She pulled her hand out from under his.  “I guess I thought we were more honest than this with each other. More open.”

 

“Look, I understand that you feel like I wasn’t straight with you.  But you’ve got to understand, I don’t make decisions in a bubble anymore, Liv.  I’ve got other people to think about, to consider--”

 

She gulped down the rest of her wine.

 

He shook his head.  “I’m sorry if you felt I was shutting you out.  But I’m not going to apologize for doing what I felt was best.  For my family.”

 

Family.

 

It had been a long time since he had used that word in a context without a hell of a lot of negativity attached to it.  He had a family now. He had a wife. He had a stepson. And in a few months, he’d have a baby too. She needed to understand his family came first, just as Noah did with her.  He would never ask her to do something that she felt was contrary to Noah’s best interest--

 

“Well, good for you.”  She lay a twenty down at the bar and stood up.  “It’s good to know where I stand with you. It’s good to know what to expect.”  She pulled her coat on. “Or what NOT to expect.”

 

He sighed.  “Liv, come on.  I’m sorry if you’ve felt left out...that was never my intention.”

 

She shook her head.  “That’s the thing, Rafael,” she said quietly, and he could barely hear her above the noise of the bar.  “I haven’t been left out. I’ve been replaced.”

 

He watched as she grabbed her bag and left.  And he suddenly realized that maybe she hadn’t been so forthcoming with him all these years either.  Because if she felt replaced, then maybe she had felt something for him before, more than he knew.

 

And now he wondered how much it should matter.

 

***************************************************

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Rafa.”  She climbed onto the bed with him, and carefully handed him the platter.

 

“Seriously?” he laughed delightedly.  “I think you made all my favorites from the coffee shop!”

 

“I did.  I tried to, anyway...cranberry orange, the pumpkin loaf, chocolate peanut butter whoopie pies, and the vanilla scones…”  She picked up the envelope on the platter. “Plus this. You need coffee to go with all of this.” Inside was a gift card to their favorite coffee shop a block away.

 

“Thank you, baby.  This is the best.” He kissed her and wrapped his arms around her for a tight hug.  “Are you ready for yours?”

 

“Sure.”  He moved the platter to the nightstand, and she curled up in the bed as he walked over to his dresser and got a package from the top drawer.  Looking skeptically at him, she asked, “Am I gonna have to put this on? If so, the time has passed...you should have asked before you scored.”

 

“Ha ha,” he responded, smiling, and handed her the box.  “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

 

She carefully unfastened the paper to reveal a rectangular box, then opened it.  A Pandora bracelet lay inside with a few charms attached. “It’s lovely,” she sighed.  “I’ve always wanted one!”

 

“I know.  I liked this one, and I got a few charms for it--there’s Max’s birthstone, and a coffee cup because, well, coffee, and the crab to remind you of the beach.”  She looked up at him, happiness written all over her face, and he shrugged. “I went for eclectic.”

 

Laughing softly, she kissed him.  “Thank you. I love it.”

 

“You’re welcome, honey.  Oh, and the orgasm earlier was just an extra.  Because I love you THAT much.”

 

She tickled his side.  “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

 

“Mmhmm.  And now you do too.”  He stretched out in the bed.  “Need some sugar to build your energy back up?”  He offered her the platter, and she took a scone.  “My girlfriend used to make scones like that. They’re the best.”

 

“Yeah, I heard.  I heard your girlfriend was quite the baker.”

 

“You know it.  She was quite the everything.  And if you thought she was impressive as my girlfriend, you should see her as my wife.”

 

Chuckling, she bit into the scone.  “I can only imagine.” They ate quietly.  “You know what? I think I’ve decided I like Valentine’s day.”

 

“Oh yeah?” He finished his bite of pumpkin bread.  “Why’s that?”

 

“It’s just good stuff.  Great sex, presents, sweets.  I love a day that has sex, presents, and sweets.”

 

“Good point.”  He dusted his hands off.  “We should make this a tradition.”

 

She leaned over to kiss him and patted his chest.  “Yeah. We should.”

 

************************************************

 

“So he gets to bring something from home on Tuesday.”  Bobby was catching Vanessa up on Max’s school situation.

 

She grinned at him.  “Yeah, I’m familiar with how Show and Tell works.  Thanks.”

 

“Smart ass,” he teased, grinning back.  “Anyway.” He motioned toward her belly.  “You have something you wanna tell me?”

 

“That obvious, huh?”  She swore her stomach had massively grown in the last three days.  They were planning on letting everyone know this week, because clearly, there was no more hiding it.

 

“When are you due?”  He handed her Max’s backpack.

 

“July 7th, they say.  We were just waiting, I don’t know, until we knew it stuck and felt ready.  I have an ultrasound on Friday and we’ll be taking Max to see. I thought it might be easier for him to understand if he could see the baby, inside.”

 

Bobby nodded.  “He hadn’t mentioned anything about it, so I figured maybe I was wrong, but it makes sense you would wait to tell him.  You guys excited?”

“Yes.”  She rested her hand on her belly.  “Very much so.” She turned to him. “How are you doing?  Max said he’s got a new sitter?”

 

“Yeah, you’d approve.”  He pulled out his phone and flipped through the pictures, then handed it to her.  There was a photo of Max with a young man, taken at the school playground. “His name is Matty.  He’s twenty-three and is in grad school part time. Passed all the background checks.”

 

“I’m impressed.  You did this one on your own, Goren.  Good work.”

 

“I was hoping you’d be okay with that.”  She handed him the phone back and he put it away.

 

She shrugged.  “I trust your judgment.  Usually.”

 

They both chuckled, then he checked his watch.  “Well, I’m supposed to meet someone for dinner soon, so I better get going.”

 

“Oh yeah?  Who?” She stood and began to gather Max’s things as Bobby adjusted his coat.

 

“Eames.  She’s, uh, well--we’ve been catching up.”

 

Vanessa pulled Max’s backpack onto her own back, and nudged Bobby’s arm.  “I think that’s great,” she said sincerely, and he nodded.

 

“It has been.  Max!” he yelled, and watched as Max came running over, chased by Rafael.

 

“Yeah, Daddy?”

 

“I have to go so I need to say goodbye.  Can I have a hug?”

 

“Sure Daddy!”  Bobby bent down and scooped the little boy up, getting hugs and kisses in the process.  “See you later, wight?”

 

“You bet.  Be good for Momma and Rafa, okay?”

 

Max nodded as Bobby put him down.  “I will, Dad. Don’t worry!” Turning to Vanessa, he said, “Five more minutes?  Please? Wafa isn’t done yet.”

 

Vanessa shot a look at Rafael and he shrugged his shoulders.

 

“Fine.  Five more minutes.  But when we get home, Momma gets a nap.”

 

“Okay, deal!”  She watched Max and Rafael head back to the sandbox, and Bobby down the sidewalk, and she sank back on to the bench, thankful for the nap to come shortly.

******************************************

“So the baby’s in there  _ now? _ ” Max asked, staring at her belly.  “Can I see it?”

 

“No, sweetie, the baby’s inside my body,” Vanessa tried to clarify, but Max shook his head.

 

“Lemme see your tummy, Momma.”  She lifted her shirt to her breasts, and Max shook his head again.  “You gotted a big tummy now. I thinked you ate too many pancakes, but Daddy said that’s not nice to say.”

 

She heard Rafael snort and she made a face at him.

 

“Well, Daddy is right that it’s not nice to tell people if you think their tummy’s too big.  But my tummy is big because the baby is inside my uterus, and that’s a part near my tummy.”

 

Now Max looked puzzled.  “Huh.” 

 

Suddenly he pressed his face up to her navel and moved it around, until Rafael said, “Max, what are you doing?”

 

“Trying to see in there.  I wanna see the baby,” he responded, as if it were the most logical thing in the world.

 

“That won’t work,” Vanessa told him.  “But tomorrow, we’re going to visit my doctor, and she will take pictures of the baby with a special camera, so we can all see.  They’re also going to tell us if it’s a boy or a girl.”

 

“It’s a boy,” Mas said confidently.  “You like boys.”

 

“I like girls too.  And so does Rafa. He’s the daddy, remember.”

 

Max looked from Vanessa to Rafael, then back to Vanessa.  “Wait a minute. Daddy’s not the daddy?”

 

She shook her head.  “Not this time.”

 

“Why? He gotted the name.  Wight Momma? Daddy is DADDY.”

 

She had figured this would come up but she was hoping it wouldn’t be for awhile.  She should have known better. “Well, remember how I told you that Rafa and I love each other in a special way?  The kind of love when you get married? Well, generally, you have to have that kind of love to have a baby with someone.”

 

“Oh.”  He poked her stomach with his index finger.  “Hi little baby. Hi there. Can you hear me?”  He put his mouth to her navel again and repeated loudly, “CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

 

Rafael had his head in his hands, hiding his face as it turned red and his body shook with laughter.  She rolled her eyes. “Yes, Max, I think the baby heard you.” She pulled him away from her belly and turned him to face her.  “So tomorrow, Rafa and I will pick you up early from school so we can go see the doctor, and you can see pictures of the baby inside.”

 

“Cool, Momma!  Can my friends come?”

 

“No, just you and me and Rafa.  Now are you ready for your story?”

 

Max sighed.  “I guess so.”  Turning to Rafael he asked, “Can we read  _ Giraffes Can’t Dance  _ again, Wafa?”

 

Rafael wiped a residual tear from his eye.  “Yes, I think we can. Let’s go get it, and I bet Momma will join us soon.”

 

Max and Rafael headed back to his bedroom.  Vanessa shook her head. She could only imagine what the future held with these two.

 

****************************************

 

“Momma!” Max yelled out excitedly when they went to pick him up.  He grabbed her hand and dragged her into the classroom quickly. She almost tripped trying to keep up with him, and she heard Rafael behind her, softly reminding her to be careful.

 

“See everybody?” Max proclaimed.  “This is my mom. And she gotted a baby in there, right THERE.”  He pointed to the middle of her stomach. “But it’s not in her tummy, it’s in her...her other thing, next to her tummy, wight Mom?  What’s it called?”

 

Vanessa glanced at the teacher, who was smiling and nodded.  “A uterus,” Vanessa said, suddenly realizing she was a real, live Show and Tell.

 

“Wight.  A you-wus.  And we gonna take pictures at the doctor today, wight Momma?  And Wafa’s the daddy. Not my daddy. ‘Cause Momma and Wafa have a special kinda love.  Wight?”

 

Wanting to disappear into the floor and never return, Vanessa nodded.  “Basically yes.” She turned to Max’s teacher. “I bet you’ve had a fun day today.”

 

The teacher grinned.  “You know it. Just enjoying sharing the spoils here.”  She heard Rafael’s cackle behind her and shot him a death glare.  He coughed and cleared his throat.

 

“Okay Max, why don’t you get your things so we can go?”  Max headed over to the coatrack to grab his things while the children went back to playing and the teacher approached them.

 

“Congratulations, Dr. Rayden...and Mr. Barba.  Max has had such a good time telling his friends he’s going to be a big brother.”  She nodded in Max’s direction and added, “He’s such a smart, funny little boy. I love having him.”

 

“Thank you,” Rafael said.  “I hope we haven’t caused too much disruption today.”

 

The teacher laughed.  “Not at all. Juan’s mom had a baby three weeks ago.  A month before that it was Ruthie’s mom. And I’m sure you heard about Javy’s parents--”

 

“They got married,” Vanessa interjected.  “Yes, Max was very excited about stories of cake.”

 

They all shared a chuckle as Max approached them.  “I’m weady now, guys. Let’s go see our baby!”

 

“Okay,” Rafael said, then took Max by the hand.  Turning to the teacher, he said, “Thank you again.”

 

“Of course.  Max, have fun seeing your baby!”

 

“We will,” Max told her confidently, and they headed out of the school.

 

****************************************

Vanessa was laying on the exam table and Rafael was seated next to her, holding Max in his lap.  “That’s a nice shirt, Momma. Why you gotta put that on?”

 

“That’s so they can take the pictures,” Rafael told him.  “They can’t do it with Momma’s regular shirt on.”

 

“Yeah,” Vanessa added.  “They have to put something called gel on my belly to help them see the baby, so this shirt makes it easy for them to do that.

 

Max looked at Rafael.  “Jello?”

 

“No,” he smiled, “gel.  You’ll see in a minute. It helps the special camera to work.  But it’s not jello.”

 

Just then the ultrasound tech came in.  “Thank you for waiting--I just had to hand something to one of the doctors.  I’m Melanie, and I’ll be doing your ultrasound today. You’re Vanessa?”

 

Fighting the urge to say,  _ no, he is,  _ Vanessa nodded.  “Yes, and that’s Rafael and Max is in his lap.”

 

Melanie slid her hands into her gloves.  “Wow, Max! You’re going to see the baby for the first time, huh?  Are you excited?”

 

“Yes I am!” Max replied.  “I am very excited.”

 

“Good!”  She pulled Vanessa’s gown up and squeezed some gel onto her belly.  “We’ll see the baby in just a minute.”

 

Max turned his head to Rafael and whispered, “Jello?”

 

Rafael whispered back, “Gel.  Not jello.”

 

Melanie began to slide the wand around Vanessa’s stomach and quickly found the heartbeat.  “Right there,” she said, nodding to the screen. “Max, do you see the baby? Here is the head, and here are the feet, and here’s the little bottom…”

 

“That’s my baby!”  Max cried. “My cute baby!  It has a butt.”

 

“Yes it does,” Vanessa smiled and glanced at Rafael.  His eyes were teary and a wide smile covered his face.  She reached over and squeezed his hand.

 

“Did you want to know the gender?” Melanie asked, and Rafael turned his head from the screen to look at Vanessa, and they both nodded.

 

“Yes, yes we do,” she answered.

 

“It’s a girl,” Melanie told them.  “Congratulations.”

 

Vanessa felt her own eyes tear up.  So many times she had told herself she only wanted a healthy baby, but deep inside she had always wanted to have a girl one day.  Now here she was, looking healthy and right on schedule developmentally. A little girl.

 

Rafael was squeezing her hand, and she looked over in time to see him wipe his eye.

 

“Aw man,” Max said, making a face.  “I wanted a boy. Didn’t you want a boy too, Wafa?”

 

Rafael squeezed Vanessa’s hand again and looked at her, his eyes misty.  “I’m very, very happy with a girl,” he said, and for a moment she wished she could hold him right now.

 

“I think a girl is perfect,” Vanessa said, still meeting Rafael’s eyes, and he felt her squeeze hands back.


	5. March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you gonna read that casefile for forever?” she griped as he flipped yet another page. His eyes peered over the top of his file and met hers.
> 
> “Having a problem?” he teased. “Trying to find something to do?”
> 
> ‘No. I know what I want to do and who I want to do it with. But SOMEBODY is more focused on their casefile than their sweet, hormonal, miserable, pregnant wife.” She batted her eyelashes for extra charm.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Discussions about rape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to mark this chapter with a trigger warning for discussions and flashbacks of rape. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! Please feel free to use kudos and comments to reach out. Thanks!

**_March_ **

 

They had been cooped up in the apartment since Friday, due to yet another record breaking snowstorm.  It was now Sunday morning, and besides being restless and bored, she was ridiculously horny. Her hormones were all over the place and she hated it right now.  The only good thing was that Max was at Bobby’s, so they could do whatever they wanted without interruption.

 

“Are you gonna read that casefile for forever?” she griped as he flipped yet another page.  His eyes peered over the top of his file and met hers.

 

“Having a problem?” he teased.  “Trying to find something to do?”

 

‘No.  I know what I want to do and who I want to do it with.  But SOMEBODY is more focused on their casefile than their sweet, hormonal, miserable, pregnant wife.”  She batted her eyelashes for extra charm.

 

“All right,” he said, and closed the file.  “You know, you could always just use one of those vibrators.”

 

Her mouth dropped open.  “Really? I didn’t realize fucking your wife was such a chore.”

 

He sighed.  “It’s not and you know it.  Stop being so melodramatic.”  He pulled her over to him and kissed her on the lips, and all she could feel was heat.  “What would you like, honey?”

 

She sat up and thought for a moment before her eyes grew shifty.  “Wanna try something new, Barba?” A slow smile was taking over her face.  “Something...exciting?”

 

He’d learned a long time ago to ask more questions to her leads unless he wanted to be caged into something potentially far weirder than his own ideas.  “What did you have in mind?” he asked, enjoying the sucking she was doing on his neck.

 

“Nothing too exotic.”  She sat up and ran her hands through his hair.  “I was thinking maybe you could tie me up.”

 

“Tie you up?” She could tell he was fighting back a grin, and it almost made her hostile.

 

“Yeah, you know, restrain me?”

 

His face took on a more serious look then.  “Are you sure you want to? I don’t want to freak you out or make you uncomfortable.”

 

“You won’t.  I just wanted to try something different, but if you don’t think it’s a good idea…"

 

“Hold on a second.  I didn’t say no. Tie you up where and how?”

 

She shrugged.  “I was just thinking about wrists to the headboard, but I’m flexible.”

 

He laughed.  “We sound like we’re negotiating a land trade.”  After a brief chuckle, he said, “Okay. Wrists to the headboard with my ties.  And if you are uncomfortable at any time, you tell me to stop and I do. Understand?”

 

She nodded.  “Also, you’re in charge.”

 

He smirked.  “Well of course I am.  You’re the one tied to the headboard.”

 

“Right.”  She reached out her hands.  “For you, loverboy.”

 

“Okay...hang on.”  He got up and went into his closet to find some old ties.  He was pretty sure that at least one of his ties probably wouldn’t survive this, so he wanted to choose carefully.  He picked a couple old ones, then headed back to the bed.

 

Taking one wrist in his hand, he ran his thumbs over the inside of it delicately.  “It is not okay with me, EVER, to hurt you. So you need to promise me that if you’re in the slightest bit of pain or discomfort, that you’ll let me know right away.  You say stop and I stop. Clear?”

 

“Yes, Papi.  I understand.”

 

He wasn’t sure if his cock or his ears just rushed with blood, but judging from his sudden dizziness, he would hazard a guess to both.

 

“Papi, hmm?”  He gave her a gently slap on the side of her ass.  “You came to play, and I’m impressed, Rayden.” She saw he was biting back laughter, and it only fueled her for more.  He tied one wrist to the bed and she held out the other one for him. “So you’re going to follow my rules, right? I’m the one in charge, you said.”

 

“Yes I did.”  She smiled alluringly, teasing him with her eyelashes.  “I’ll try to be a very good girl for you.”

 

He sat back and looked at her for a moment.  She was nude and beautifully flushed down to her chest from playing this game already.  Her wrists were loosely bound to the headboard, and she was smiling like she knew that even though he was in charge, she had him.  She had him where she wanted him from the get.

 

“Can you get out of those?” he motioned to the hand restraints.  “If you really wanted to?”

 

She tugged for a second, and then nodded.  “Yeah. I’m good.”

“Good.”  He sat at the end of the bed for a moment, contemplating what he wanted to do, and she was patiently waiting for him.  Absently, he picked up her foot and started to trace the instep with his finger before rubbing it fully, and she suddenly moaned.  “You like that?” he asked, sounding a bit surprised.

 

She nodded. “Yes.  It’s relaxing.”

 

“I see.  What about if I do this?” And he ran his tongue along the inside of her instep up to her big toe, then slid it into his mouth and sucked.

 

She was watching him sucking it as though it was a mini cock.  His eyes were closed and she could feel him circling his tongue around it slowly, licking top to bottom and edge to edge, then pumping it in and out of his mouth.  She wondered if this was what he looked like when he sucked cock, and she suddenly felt herself become immensely wet.

 

He continued for several minutes, rotating each foot, and she thought she was going to come right there.

 

At last his mouth moved slowly up her leg, covering the calf muscle with a million tiny kisses, licking and nibbling and sucking his way up to her thigh.  He bit her inner thigh, then licked and sucked on it, leaving a large purple mark. “You’re mine,” he said, “and now you can remember that every time you see this mark.”  He ran his tongue up from her thigh over her hipbone, before tracing a line with it to the middle of her body, just above her pussy. He glanced at her, and knowing she was watching him, he took two fingers and parted her gently, then blew warm breath on her clit.  “I’m going to eat you now, but don’t you dare come. You’ll wait until Papi gives you permission. Understand?” He felt her shudder beneath him, and he suddenly realized he was probably giving her an impossible task. The thought of it turned him on even more. “Nessie, do you understand?  You’re not allowed to come.”

 

He heard a soft whimper, then he lowered his face to her and gently circled her clit with his tongue.

 

She was sopping wet, and he felt her shudder again as he made contact with her.  He rested his hands lightly on her thighs and could feel her shaking. He slid his hands under her thighs and back up around the tops of her legs, then used both hands to hold her open as he began to lick at her fully.  Her whimpering grew louder, more desperate, and he pushed his tongue inside of her.

 

“Rafa…” she gasped, “I can’t...I can’t…”

 

He immediately pulled his tongue out and lifted his head.  “Are you okay, honey? Do you want to stop?”

 

“No,” she gasped.  “I don’t wanna stop...I just can’t...I need to...I need to come.  Please.”

 

He was gently stroking her outer lips with his fingers.  “Then come, honey. It’s okay. It’s just a game…” He parted her with his tongue and, feeling her shaking again, began to lick around her clit in firm, steady circles.  A moment later, she cried out his name loudly and thrashed against him. He held on and ate her through it, until she was whimpering again and he heard a soft, repetitive “stop, stop”.  He pulled off of her and rested his head on her thigh to catch his breath.

 

“Was that okay, baby?” he asked, kissing her thigh.  “You okay?”

 

She nodded.  “That was incredible.  So good, Rafa...so good…”  She watched him kissing her thighs gently, and watched him lean over and place a full mouth kiss on her pussy.  

 

“I’m glad it felt good...I alway want that for you.”  He was moving up her body now, kissing her belly gently.  “Want me to untie you?”

 

She shook her head.  “Don’t you want to have sex?  I mean, I could go another round…” (or five, she said in her head.)

 

“You sure?”  When she nodded, he reached down to jack himself quickly.  He already knew she was soaking wet. He just wanted to be in her as soon as possible.

 

He grabbed a couple of pillows and boosted her up a little so he could push them under her ass for a better angle.  “I want to go deep, if that’s okay with you.”

 

She nodded again, then teased, “You’re not very good at this being in charge thing, are you?”

 

“Well, considering I just gave you an orgasm you couldn’t wait for, I’d say I’m doing okay on my own.  I’m going to put your feet over my shoulders, okay?” He lifted her legs up and over, and kissed her calf nearest to him.  He suddenly realized this was an incredibly vulnerable position for her--she had no traction anywhere, was tied to the headboard, and he had complete control of her entire body this way.  Her ability to trust him unconditionally took his breath away.

 

Finally he lined up and pushed in gently, and he was surrounded by her warmth, her wetness, her tight and beautiful body, and he said the only thing he could think of.  “Vanessa, I love you, sweetheart. I always will, honey.” And he thrust deeper inside of her. She moaned.

 

He quickly built a steady rhythm up.  He could watch her face like this, know when a spark of pleasure hit her, know when she was smiling at him.  He began to suck tiny bruises on her calves as he fucked her. “Rafa, I love you,” she said softly. “I love you inside of me like this.  You feel so good. You make me feel so good. God, thank you for loving me, baby...do you feel good?” She was babbling as the pleasure built in her body, and she knew it, but when she saw his face with his beautiful eyes gazing at her and a soft smile on his lips, she didn’t care.  She knew they both were so aroused, felt so good, were so in love.

 

He leaned forward a bit more to change the angle, and she moaned long and low.  He felt so good this way, and she could hardly control herself. As he began to speed up, growing messier in his thrusts, she held tight to the ties around her wrists,wishing for a moment she could run her fingers through his hair to ground her.  She felt as though she were floating in a deep sea of pleasure and she never wanted to come out.

 

“Are you close, baby?” he gasped, and suddenly she knew she was.  Before she could answer, his thumb had found her clit, and he was rubbing her in time to his thrusts and she felt like she’d died and gone to heaven.  “I’m so close, Nessie,” he managed, and she could tell he was fighting it with every fiber of his being, waiting for her, wanting her to fall with him.

 

And then she did.  Her orgasm raced through her body and she cried out involuntarily.  He thrust again two or three times before his moan joined hers and he arched in pleasure.  “Rafa,” she whispered, just catching her breath, in awe of how beautiful he was like this, “Rafa...oh god, you’re so beautiful…” His body collapsed on hers a moment later, and she could feel his heavy breathing blow across her breast.

 

She watched as he came back to himself slowly, then he suddenly sat up.  “Fuck,” he muttered, then reached for her wrists. “Sorry about that--I forgot--”

 

“I don’t know why you’d forget,” she teased.  “Clearly there was nothing else on your mind.”

 

“Right.  Not a thing.”

 

He rubbed her wrists gently one at a time and she watched him taking care of her, and she had never felt so loved.  “Did you hear me when I said I’ll love you forever?”

 

He smiled.  “Yeah.” His face suddenly grew serious, and he asked, “Do you ever worry that I won’t love you forever?  Or that I’ll change my mind about any of this?”

 

She didn’t want to answer that question, but she owed him honesty.  “Sometimes I do,” she admitted. “Because people change. And sometimes I just wonder what will happen if one of us changes too much.”

 

“I guess I just believe that even though we change, there’s always the core truth of who we are.  I know who you are and I’m in love with you.” He gently kissed her temple. “I want this for forever.”

 

She settled into his arms and lay her head on his chest.  “Me too.”

 

*****************************************

They were lying in bed, touching each other, and she knew this would never get old.  “I’m sorry I’m so horny right now,” she sighed. “I can imagine it’s obnoxious at times.”

 

He laughed softly.  “Yeah, it’s quite a problem, having to have sex with you so much.  What torture you subject me to.” He leaned over and kissed her gently.  “We have nothing to do all weekend, and we have supplies.” He waggled his eyebrows at her.  “I say we take advantage of it as much as we can.”

 

“Even when I’m tearing you away from your work?” She motioned to the casefile now resting on the floor.  

 

He rubbed his nose against hers.  “Even then.”

 

“Okay,” she agreed.  “As long as you’re okay with it.” She reached up and fiddled with one of the ties, still attached to the headboard.  “So what’d you think? Of tying me up, I mean?”

 

“It was a nice change.  I wouldn’t want to do it all the time but occasionally, especially if you’re being too bossy…”

 

“Very funny!”  She grabbed one of the pillows and hit him in the chest with it.  “I am not bossy!”

 

They were both laughing and began to wrestle.  He quickly had her pinned underneath him, then yanked her arms above her head and secured them by the wrist with one hand.  His body was pressed hard against his and he twisted a nipple as he rubbed himself against her, laughing, until he suddenly heard her say, “stop, Rafa...please!”  There was desperation in her voice and he released her wrists and pulled back off of her.

 

She quickly scrambled to the other side of the bed, breathing heavily, fear etched across her face as her eyes focused on a spot across the room, and he thought for a second he was going to vomit, himself.

 

“Ness.”  He kept his voice quiet, steady.  “I’m so sorry, honey. I don’t know what it was that scared you...I’m so sorry.  You know I would never, ever do that on purpose...please, honey, please look at me.”

 

“I’m okay,” she said, low, and he wasn’t sure if she was talking to him or to herself.  “It’s okay. I”m okay. Just give me a minute.”

 

He nodded, still out of breath himself.  His heart was racing and he wanted to fix this, more than anything.  But she told him to wait, and he was determined if nothing else to respect her wishes.

 

After a couple of minutes, she turned back to him.  “I’m sorry,” she began. “I don’t know exactly--I think it was just everything at once, being pinned like that and unable to move, and you grinding completely against me, I just...I don’t know.  I don’t know why that happened.”

 

He nodded. “Okay.  It’s okay. You don’t have to know.  And I won’t do that again. Ever, Ness.  Never.”

 

She shook her head.  “No, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong...I just--”She suddenly covered her mouth with her hand.  “It’s tomorrow. It will have been seven years tomorrow.” She looked at him, tears in her eyes, and suddenly laughed.  “I guess that goes to show how well I’m doing that it wasn’t in the forefront of my mind.”

 

“Sweetheart.”  He reached for her, pulling her close to him, and she melted into his embrace, letting him comfort her.  She pressed her face into his chest hair as his hands ran over her bare back, stroking gently. Murmuring softly, he reassured her it would be all right, that he would help any way he could, that he would keep her safe.  And she knew he sincerely meant every word he was speaking. He would go to any length to keep her safe. She’d never had that before, and she knew he hadn’t either, and that knowledge made his words all the more precious to her.

 

As she raised her head and pulled back a little, he took the tissue in his hand and wiped her eyes, then handed it to her to blow her nose, before reclining on the bed and opening his arms again.  She quickly curled back up against him. “I feel safer with you than I have with anyone in my life,” she told him quietly. “I hope you know I would do the same for you.”

 

“Baby,” he soothed, “you already have, remember?”

 

She kissed his chest, then lay her head back down, listening to his heart beat.  It was strong and steady, like him, and she loved him all the more for it.

 

“He was in my closet,” she said finally.  “I had been home making dinner, cleaning up, and I went to change.  He was in my closet. He had a gun. I’d already taken mine and put it in the safe for the night.”

 

Rafael didn’t speak.  He continued to stroke her hair gently.

 

“I had to do what he said.  I just kept going through procedure and training in my head the whole time, looking for an out but I never got one.  I guess at one point he had clasped my wrists above my head with one hand and was rutting against me. I yelled and he slapped me and started choking me with his free hand.  I passed out and when I came to, he had flipped me over and was sodomizing me.” She took a breath and slowly exhaled. “I don’t know why I reacted like I did with you, other than the feeling of being pinned under you like that just threw me back there for a second.  I’m sorry.”

 

“Vanessa...baby, you have nothing to apologize for.  Thank you for telling me.” He kept stroking her hair, stopping just to wipe a stray tear away.  “If you ever want to talk about it, or tell me more, I’ll listen. I know it’s not something you like to talk about...but I hate the fact I triggered you.”

 

She sighed.  “It was just very violent and painful.  He raped and sodomized me for two hours.  I had to have a few surgeries to fix internal damage.  You’ve seen the bite mark and the cut on my hip. He just left me there to die, I’m pretty sure.  I was bleeding and had a concussion from where he had slammed my head into the floor when I came to.  When he had flipped me over and...uh, forced himself into me, I guess the pain of it brought me back to consciousness and I was screaming.  So he slammed my head into the floor.”

 

He wanted to tell her to stop, to block out the images in his brain.  He forced himself to stay present with her. If she could live through it, he could at least bear witness to her truth.

 

“Anyway.”  She pressed her lips to one of his nipples, then rested her chin on his chest.  “It’s horrible to listen to, I know. It’s why I hate talking about it. I even hate listening to it myself, and overall I’ve told it so many times I’m pretty numb to it.”

 

“You said he’s dead, right?  You said they shot him?”

 

“Yeah.  They were pursuing him on foot and he turned and tried to shoot them.  Of course they took him out. I think he was trying to die. Who open fires on three FBI agents, alone, with a pistol?”  As if she couldn’t help herself, she muttered, “dumbass”.

 

He pressed both hands to her head, one on either side, and pulled her closer.  This time when he kissed her, he moved slow, languid, trying to communicate all of his love and respect for her in that one moment.  “I admire you more than I can ever express,” he said quietly.

 

She shook her head.  “I really don’t think there’s anything admirable here.”

 

“Oh honey.”  His own eyes were misty now.  “I admire you because you survived something horrific, and refused to let it destroy you.  Because you’re an incredible example of healing. Because I want to be you when I grow up.”

 

His last comment made her smile.  

 

**************************************************

They made love slowly, taking their time.

 

The streets were clearing up from the snow and the city was coming back to life, and they were sure they’d be working in the morning.  But it was late afternoon on Monday, a time they were usually apart, and she had curled up in his lap while they watched TV. Eventually she turned her head to his, kissing and nipping his jaw line, until he had given her his full attention by watching her as she kissed him and slipping a hand between her legs to stroke high on her inner thigh.

 

Now they were in bed and he was inside of her, moving slowly.  She stroked his hair and watched his face and he did the same to her.  “My beautiful wife,” he murmured to her. “I love you so much, Nessa.” She reached up and pulled his head down to kiss him.

 

As their lips parted, he ran his fingers down to her breast and gently cupped and squeezed her.  His thumb ghosted over her nipple before his mouth followed suit, sucking slowly. Nothing about this was hurried or frenzied, and she felt incredibly precious in his arms.

 

“Te amo, Rafael,” she murmured back.  “You are my everything. I want to do this with you every day for the rest of our lives.”

 

He felt her hands slowly roaming over his back, tracing over his muscles, massaging them, and following down to his hips, then his ass.  She massaged and pushed him toward her more, and he felt her arch up at the same time. He thrust a little more deeply and rolled his hips several times, and she sighed in pleasure.

 

He had worried their conversation about her assault might affect their sex life, but if anything, he felt closer to her now than ever before.  And they both were enjoying the sensual ease of this dance. He swore she was made for him, and they could do this all day.

 

She was massaging his ass again when she suddenly asked, “Was it ever like this with Jacob for you?  Did you guys ever do it slow and sweet?”

 

“Do you really want to talk about that now?”  She nodded. “I’m sure there were,” he replied, but his mind was hazy with arousal.  “But it was different. I was different. I didn’t want the same things I want now.”

 

She carefully ran her palms up the back of his body, finally settling on his shoulders.  “What do you want now, Rafael?”

 

He pressed his forehead to hers, gently rocking back and forth in her.  “You,” he murmured. “You and this. You and our family--Max and our daughter.  I want the life we’re building.”

 

She hummed quietly.  “We want the same things.”

 

******************************************

“Hey there,” Rafael greeted Max, “what are you working on?”

 

Max was sitting at the table in his room, crayons and paper all over the table top.  “I’m making a picture. For my baby.”

 

“Oh yeah?”  Rafael sat down next to him.  “What kind of picture are you making?”

 

“A weal pretty one, ‘cause she likes pretty stuff.  Like Momma.” He stopped coloring and looked at Rafael.  “When’s Momma gonna be home again?”

 

“Um,” he checked his watch, “in another hour or so.”

 

Rafael had treated her to a prenatal massage and a mani/pedi.  He had wanted to do something nice for her, to take time for herself.  He’d been trying to come up with ideas when Rollins had stopped by his office to drop off a file.  “She needs a massage,” Amanda had told him confidently. “Trust me. Prenatal massage is a gift from the gods.  She’ll be praising your name for the rest of her pregnancy.” So he’d purchased the whole package and sent her on her way with firm instructions to take care of herself.  

 

“Max and I will be fine,” he told her, nodding his head.  “I’ve got this. I want you to go take care of you and our daughter.”

 

So she had, and he had spent the day with Max playing trains, dinosaurs, and cars.  They’d watched the latest episode of Paw Patrol, and Rafael had introduced him to Scooby Doo.  They’d read three books and eaten chicken nuggets and mac and cheese for lunch. It was a nasty, rainy day again, so that had kept them inside, but for the most part, the day had gone smoothly.

 

“Hey Wafa,” Max continued, “did you know my baby likes purple?”

 

“No, I didn’t.  How do you know she likes purple?”

 

“I just do.”  Max grabbed a purple crayon and added to his picture.  “I’m gonna be the BIG brother!”

 

Rafael chuckled.  “Yes, you are.”

 

Tilting his head, Max said, “I need some markers now.  Can I have my markers?”

 

Suddenly, they both heard his cell ring in the other room.  “Uh oh,” Max said, “You forgotted your phone!”

 

“Yes I did.  Be right back.”  He got up and made his way toward the ringing, finally locating it under a file on the kitchen table.  It was his mother.

 

“I thought you were never going to pick up,” she told him when he said hello.

 

“My God, the drama,” he retorted.  “I’m right here. What’s up?”

 

“Listen,” she began, “There’s going to be a carnival at my school next weekend, and I was wondering if Max might like to go.”

 

“Maybe, but I think he’s with Bobby--”  His words were cut short by a tremendous crash coming from Max’s room, and then a bloodcurtling scream.  He took off toward the bedroom, heart in his throat, and rounded the corner to see Max struggling to get to his feet.  He had a bloody gash to his temple and was screaming.

 

“Oh Jesus.”  He dropped the phone and ran to Max.  “It’s okay, buddy. It’s okay. Does it hurt anywhere else?”  He grabbed a towel out of the hamper close by to try to stem the blood flow while he looked the little boy over.

 

“I bleeding!  My head hurts, Wafa!  I want Momma! Momma!”  He was crying and hiccupping.

 

“I know, buddy.  I know that hurts.  Here, let’s get you to the bathroom.”  He grabbed his phone. “Mami, he fell. I’ve gotta go.”

 

“Is he bleeding, Rafi?  You may need to get him to the hospital--”

 

“I know.  I know. I’ll talk to you soon.”  He hung up and shoved the phone in his pocket before scooping Max up and carrying him into the bathroom.

 

Once they were inside the bathroom, he turned the water on and tried to mop up Max’s face the best he could.  Nothing else seemed to be hurt, but he couldn’t swear to it. “All right, buddy, we’re going to go to the doctor’s so they can check your cut, okay?”  He grabbed a clean washcloth and pressed it against Max’s temple. “Okay, here we go.”

 

“I want my momma, wafa.”  He was still crying, albeit softer now, and he clung to Rafael’s shirt as if for protection.

 

“I know you do, honey.  I’m gonna call Mommy in just a minute.”  

 

They made their way downstairs via the elevator quickly, and the doorman helped him hail a cab.  “Bellevue Emergency,” he told the cabbie, and then he grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialed her number.  It went to voicemail. “Babe,” he said, low, “it’s me. I need you to call me asap. Everything is going to be fine but Max hit his head...we’re going to Bellevue ER to get it checked out.  Just call me, okay?” He hung up.

 

“Is Momma gonna be there?” Max asked between sniffles.  Rafael could see his left eye, near the cut, was blackening, and he suddenly realized it was possible Max might have a concussion.  A knot formed in his gut again, and he gently hugged him tighter.

 

“She will soon, mijo.”  He kissed the top of Max’s head.  “You’re so brave. Momma will be so proud of you.”  He took a moment to text his mother, then tucked his phone away again and waited for the hospital to come into view.

 

*************************************

 

Max was sitting in Rafael’s lap eating a lollipop when Vanessa came tearing through the door.  “Oh God! What happened? Are you okay, baby?” She cupped his face in her hands and he nodded.

 

“I falled down,” he said, pulling the lollipop out of his mouth.  “And I hitted my head on the chair and got a big cut with LOTS of blood!  Wight, Wafa?”

 

Vanessa’s eyes met Rafael’s, and her expression mirrored the one he had been wearing when the accident happened.  He gently touched her arm. “He’s okay. No concussion or broken bones...they did have to give him six stitches, though.”

 

She grabbed the extra chair and sank into it next to them.  “What did you fall down from?” she asked Max, and he shrugged his shoulders.  “The desk. I was trying to get the markers down.”

 

“You climbed up on the desk?”

 

“Uh-huh.  I needed the markers.”

 

She exhaled heavily.  “That’s not okay, Max.  You know that’s not okay.  You have to ask a grown up.”

 

“I did!” Max insisted.  “I asked Wafa! But his phone was wingin’ so I got them myself.”  He licked the lollipop again. “I like cherry, Momma. It’s good.”

 

She looked at Rafael, and it was as though she were seeing him for the first time since she arrived.  “Are you okay? You’re covered in his blood.”

 

“I’m fine,” he said, trying to smile, but it didn’t come close to reaching his eyes.

 

She reached over and rubbed his arm.

 

******************************************

He was sitting on the edge of the bed in his boxer briefs, looking at the floor, when she came out of the bathroom.

 

“Hey,” she said quietly, going to him and stroking his hair.  “You okay?”

 

He looked up at her and the look in his eyes hurt her heart.  “Why did I leave him unsupervised? That was so stupid of me. He’s just a little boy...he could have really hurt himself…” He was verbally chastising himself, but she knew from experience the words he wasn’t saying out loud were far more hurtful. 

“Rafa.  Stop it.” She sat next to him on the bed. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You left the room for a minute. It could have happened to anyone.”

 

He shook his head.  “I should have known better, Ness.  He asked for those markers. I should have seen--”

 

“No, baby.  No.” She cupped his face.  “There was nothing to see. You’re not a psychic.”

 

He rested a hand on her belly, and she pressed her hand into his.  “I might fail at the father thing, Vanessa. Have you thought about that?  What would happen if I fail?”

 

“No, I haven’t.  Because I know you won’t.  And do you know how I know you won’t?”  She caught his chin with her other hand and lifted his face as though he were a child.  “Because this is important to you. It’s something we both agree is important, and something we want for ourselves.  You want this baby. You want this family. And if I know anything about you, Rafael, it’s that you’re willing to fight like hell for what you want...what you think is important.”

 

She watched as the tears dropped down his cheeks slowly.  He made no effort to wipe them away. His voice was merely a whisper when he said, “I want you to be proud of me.”

 

She stared directly at him when she said quietly but firmly, “I am.  Every damn day.”

 

And when they turned off the lights, she spooned him for once, and he let himself be held.


	6. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh my God,” he said, awestruck. “Our baby girl is moving. She’s moving, Ness!” He laughed and the sound was pure joy. “She’s probably practicing kickboxing moves so she can compete with her momma.” He winked at her, then bent down and kissed her belly. “My mija, Papi loves you more than anything, sweetheart. You and your mami and your brother...you’re my world. I cannot wait to see your beautiful face, or to snuggle you close, or to feed you and take care of you, princesa. Your daddy loves you so much, honey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life imitates art. My daughter just had her first baby a few weeks ago, and I am in love with him. He is much of the inspiration here for Lucy.
> 
> I love your comments and kudos! Please feel free to do either if you are so inclined. Thanks for reading!

**_April_ **

 

“I can’t believe I’m officially in the last trimester,” she remarked, standing in front of the mirror in her bra and panties.  “I think we really need to get to work on a name.”

 

He tossed his shirt into the hamper.  “Faith? Hope? Joy?” He wrapped his arms around her from behind and stroked her belly.  “Grace?”

 

She tilted her head to him.  “Drawing from your catholic schoolboy roots here, I see.”  Her hand came to rest over his. “I’ve actually been tossing around Luciana.”

 

“Seriously?  You want to name our baby after my mom?”

 

“Why?  Do you think it’s a bad idea?  Anyway, we wouldn’t call her that...I was thinking we could call her Lucy.”

 

Now he chuckled.  “As in I Love?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

He kissed her earlobe.  “And what about the middle one?  What’s that gonna be?”

 

She paused for a moment.  “I was named Elizabeth, after my mom, and she was named Elizabeth after HER mom.  If it’s all right with you, I’d like to carry on that tradition and have that be her middle name.  Do you think that would work? I mean, the flow is kind of weird at first, but…”

 

“Hey.”  He rested his head on her shoulder, meeting her eyes in the mirror.  “I think it’s perfect.” Patting her belly, he said, “Welcome to the world Luciana Elizabeth.  We can’t wait to meet you, baby girl.”

 

“I just love you,” she murmured quietly.  She moved his hand to the side of her belly, and then said, “So does she...:”  A moment later he felt the baby kick against his hand, and he laughed at the surprise.  She guided his hand over slightly and a moment later, the baby moved again.

 

“What is she doing in there?” he asked, awestruck.  “It’s like she’s a circus performer tonight!”

 

“Yep.  She’s trying to impress her daddy.”

 

He pulled her over to the bed and he sank down on it, so he was eye level with her belly.  “Okay, mija, Papi’s watching now. Come on, show me what you can do.” And he pressed a hand back to Vanessa’s belly and waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited.

 

“Honey, maybe try again later?” she told him after five minutes or so.  “She’s taking a break. It must be intermission. Besides, I gotta pee like a racehorse.”

 

“Fine, but this is NOT the way to impress the daddy.”  He pulled his hand back and she turned to head toward the bathroom.  Two steps away she froze and grinned at him. 

 

“Hurry on up if you wanna feel!”  He crossed the room in a millisecond and had his palm pressed to her belly again, and suddenly he felt all kinds of movements.  He looked at Vanessa excitedly, then moved his hand to another part of her belly. A moment later he was rewarded with a tiny kick to his hand.

 

“Oh my God,” he said, awestruck.  “Our baby girl is moving. She’s moving, Ness!” He laughed and the sound was pure joy.  “She’s probably practicing kickboxing moves so she can compete with her momma.” He winked at her, then bent down and kissed her belly.  “My mija, Papi loves you more than anything, sweetheart. You and your mami and your brother...you’re my world. I cannot wait to see your beautiful face, or to snuggle you close, or to feed you and take care of you, princesa.  Your daddy loves you so much, honey.”

 

Vanessa was leaning against the bathroom door frame, wiping at her eyes.  Whenever he spoke like this to their baby it made her cry. She once got very annoyed with him over it and told him not to do it again until he had bought her earplugs.  She couldn’t just break down and cry every time he decided to get sappy, she explained. He had nodded, a serious look on his face, before telling her, “Should I get you a travel-size box of tissues also?”

 

He was kissing her belly, oohing and aahing, until she reminded him that she REALLY had to pee.  He reluctantly backed off and let her into the bathroom.

 

********************************************

He was three drinks in and had no hesitations on heading for a fourth when  he heard her.

 

“Hey.”  Vanessa sidled up to him.  “This seat taken?”

 

“No.  You’re welcome to it.  But I don’t think you’re supposed to be imbibing.”  He still hadn’t looked at her, but she made herself comfortable next to him anyway and ordered a diet soda from the bartender.  “What are you doing here?”

 

“I got a text from Anthony, saying he was going to have to cut you off if you didn’t slow down or stop on your own.” 

 

“Speak of the devil.”  Rafael shot Anthony a glare as he handed Vanessa her soda.  “You do know I can order an uber just as easily as having my very pregnant wife come babysit me.”

 

“Oh, but then I’d miss all the fun.  Besides, who wants to stay in bed all damn day like a human incubator?”

 

That cracked a smile on his face, but it was quickly snuffed out.  “They let him walk, Ness. And we all know it’s just a matter of time before he does it again.”

 

“And when he does, we’ll get him then,” she told him firmly.  “You know as well as I do it doesn’t always go the way it should.”

 

He shook his head.  “You shouldn’t be here.  There’s too much smoke, it’s late--”

 

She leaned in toward him.  “Then take me home.”

 

He turned to look at her, somewhat surprised, but she squeezed his forearm.  “Take me home, Rafael. Let’s get out of here.”

 

He shook his head slowly.  “I want...it’s not...I just want to get lost in something else…”

 

Her head was close to his, and she said, low, “Then come get lost in me.”

 

His eyes closed for a long minute, remembering all the times he’d done this before, how good she was at mitigating his pain, and he nodded.  “All right.”

 

Vanessa left cash to cover his tab, and they headed out of Forlini’s to hail a taxi.

 

*******************************************

“Tell me what you want.”  Her voice was low, soft, and he knew instinctively she would do whatever he asked of her.  He decided to be honest.

 

“I don’t want to think.  All I want to think about is getting off.”

 

He was sitting in the leather chair in the bedroom, only wearing his boxer briefs.  She was down to her tee shirt and panties, and rested on the floor between his legs.  “ What else?” she asked, and he reached out to pet her hair.

 

“I want you to suck me.  All of me. I want to fuck your pretty face and you to take all of me in as much as you can.  I want to watch you play with yourself while you suck me off, watch your fingers play with your pretty little pussy.  I want to watch you sit back and give me a show while I jack off. And when I’m ready, I want you to open your mouth and let me come on your face.  And after, because you’re so sweet to me, I’ll lick you clean before I go down on you and eat you until you’re begging for mercy.” His eyes had narrowed with a look most people would consider intimidating, but she knew it to mean he was focused on one thing.  “That’s what I want, Nessie. None of it has to happen. But that’s what I want.”

 

“Well then,” she said, rubbing her palms on his thighs, “I guess we better get started.”  Her fingers climbed up the sides of his underwear and hooked themselves into the waistband.  “Lift,” she told him softly, and he did, and she pulled them down, revealing his thick erection, already wet at the tip.

 

She ran her thumb across his slit, collecting the precum there, before sucking her thumb into her mouth to taste him.  He was focused on her, staring, and she couldn’t remember the last time that he had looked at her so intensely. Returning his gaze, she immediately slid his tip into her mouth and sucked hard.

 

She heard his sharp intake of breath, and when she opened her eyes again he was leaning back against the chair, eyes half-open.  “Yes,” he hissed, and she knew it felt good. “Just like that, baby. Take care of me just like that.”

 

She immediately began to bob back and forth, slowly working him down her throat farther, hearing him moan and hiss every time she swallowed more of him.  At last he was hitting the back of her throat, and she fought the urge to gag as she eased him down even deeper.

 

“Oh God,” he moaned, and when she looked up she saw his eyes were staring at her intently, and his chest was heaving.

 

She sucked hard on him and swallowed repeatedly, listening to his moans slowly turn into whines.  Her nose pressed against his body, and she could hear a string of quiet curses leaving his mouth as she sucked harder.  Her eyes were watering and she knew she’d have to pull off soon, but before she did, she slid one finger under him and gently circled his hole.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he cried, and this time he wasn’t quiet at all.  She pulled off of him because she had to, to catch her breath, but she kept her finger in place and slid it a tad deeper.  She gasped for air as soon as her mouth was empty and she could hear him whining, wanting and needing more. His eyes were closed, his body was heaving, and his cock was dark red and swollen.  Suddenly she stood up and grabbed him by the hand, pulling him to his feet. 

 

He nearly lost his balance but she held on to him and pushed him onto the bed then climbed on next to him.  “Here,” she said, pulling him on top of her. “Fuck me, Rafael. Fuck me. Come on--come inside me.”

 

His expression reminded her of one of desperation, but he followed her instructions and sank deeply into her.  She wrapped her legs high on him as he pulled back and thrust in fully; they both groaned at the intensity. But it was only a moment before she was encouraging him to do it again, and within seconds he was thrusting in and out of her fiercely and she was clinging to his body.

 

He was covered in sweat and it dripped in rivulets off of him onto her.  She ran her tongue over his face and tasted its salty sweetness. He pumped harder and faster and her mind clouded over; all she could focus on was the intense pleasure this man was giving her, had given her, always would give her, and she knew she was going to come any second.

 

He hooked one arm around her thigh and grunted with each thrust, deep and quick and hard, and her mouth pressed against his ear repeating, “fuck, fuck, fuck, rafa, jesus…” and he felt his balls draw up and tighten and then his vision blotted out and his body gave in.

 

She heard him, a loud erotic cry from the depths of his throat and her body responded automatically, clenching on him and shooting electric sparks to every nerve ending.  When she came back to herself, he was still on top of her, laying soft, open mouthed kisses along her clavicle. “I love you,” he murmured. “I’m sorry I was demanding.”

 

She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him deeply, passionately.  His weight was keeping her from drawing a complete breath, and so she was gasping when they pulled apart.  He gently moved off of her and headed to the bathroom.

 

When he came out, he slipped on a clean pair of underwear and joined her under the covers.  “Nobody has ever taken care of me like you do,” he confessed. “I’m embarrassed that I wanted that.”

 

She stroked his cheek.  “Everybody wants that sometimes.  We all need to feel cared for.”

 

“I blew that case,” he said again, and she rested a hand on his chest.

 

“No, baby.  You lost that case.  You did your best with a shitty case.”  Playing with his chest hair, she said, “I’m proud of you, Rafael.  You did your best and I am so proud of you.”

 

She rolled over and curled up against him, and he wrapped his body around her.  He wished he could think of himself the way she thought of him.

 

********************************************

She had gone to run a couple errands, and Rafael and Max were drawing in his room again.  “Hey Wafa, can I have my markers now? I need them.”

 

Rafael shook his head.  “No, amigo. Remember, Momma told you no more markers until she says it’s okay?”

 

“But she’s not here,” Max reasoned.  “You’re the grownup in charge. You can give me my markers.  Momma will say it’s okay.”

 

“I’m sorry, Max, but no.  You heard Mommy’s rule.”

 

He watched as Max crinkled up his face, working himself into tears.  “But I need them! I wanna make my picture pretty for my baby sister!  Don’t you want my sister to have my pretty picture?”

 

“I do,” he said calmly, “but this picture will have to be one with crayons, not with markers.”

 

“No!”  Max yelled, and threw the pack of crayons across the room.  “I need my markers, Wafa! You get them wight now!”

 

Rafael was a bit startled.  He took a deep breath. “Max, you need to calm down, and once you do, you need to pick up your crayons.  It’s not okay to throw them.”

 

“You’re mean, Wafa!  You’re a mean boy! I want my daddy!  My WEAL daddy! You’re not my daddy! You’re not my friend ‘cause friends are nice.  And you’re not a daddy either ‘cause daddies help their little boys too! And my baby sister says you’re a mean daddy too!  She doesn’t like you and she’s not even borned yet!”

 

Rafael could feel his heart beating faster and said a quick prayer for Vanessa to get home soon.  “Well, all of that may be true, but you still can’t break Momma’s rule. I’m going to give you a few minutes by yourself in here to calm down and pick up your crayons.  You can let me know when you’re ready to play again.” He stood up and started to make his way to the doorway. When he was almost there he felt two little hands push on his butt.  

 

“You get out, you mean boy!  I hope you go away! Get out!”

 

Rafael turned around to face Max and for a moment he felt a flash of anger rip through him, followed by his inner voice saying, “he’s just a kid”.  He exhaled and bent down to Max’s level. “Those are mean words, Max, and I don’t like that. You let me know when you’ve calmed down and want to talk.  And do not push me again. I don’t like that either.”

 

Max was crying now.  “Meanie!” he yelled. Rafael took the opportunity to head back to the den.

 

He sat on the couch, holding his head in his hands, listening to Max cry.  He was shaking slightly, and he knew it was from the instinct he had to lose it with Max.  What would his dad have done if he had behaved like Max? Rafael laughed to himself. He’d have beaten him within an inch of his life.

 

He thought about what Max said, and he knew that some of his words hurt because they were based on his worst fears--that he would be a terrible father; that his children would hate him; that Max would never really accept him in any kind of father role.  As he was analysing his feelings, he heard little footsteps approaching him, then a soft voice speak.    
  


“Wafa?  Wanna come play with me now?”

 

He pulled his face out of his hands and looked at Max.  His eyes were red and swollen from crying and he had tear stains on his cheeks.  “Maybe in a minute,” he told him. “I think I’m taking a break so I can calm down.”

 

Max nodded.  “Momma says it’s good to take breaks when you’re upset.”  He moved closer to Rafael, and after a moment, climbed into his lap.  “Wafa, I sorry.”

 

Rafael tousled his hair.  “Your words hurt my feelings some, Max.  Did you know that?”

 

“Uh huh.  Your face is sad.”  He lay his head on Rafael’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry I was a meanie.”

 

“It’s okay.  I forgive you.  I just want us to think about what we say and how it can hurt people.”

 

“Okay.”  After a minute, he added, “I just wanted to make a pretty picture for my sissy.”

 

“I know you did.  Maybe we can figure out something else we can use instead of markers.”

 

Max sat up suddenly.  “That’s a great idea! I know what!  We can use stickers!”

 

“We can,” Rafael affirmed, and a minute later he was being led back to Max’s room to finish their art.

 

**********************************************

“I heard you and my son went at it pretty hard this afternoon.”  She was climbing into bed next to him. He took off his glasses and lay those and his book down on the nightstand.

 

“Yeah, we did.  He wanted the markers and I think he thought I’m such a pushover I’d just give them up.”  He sighed. “When I didn’t he threw a bit of a fit, but he calmed himself down and we went back to playing.”

 

She shot him a skeptical look.  “I don’t completely believe that.  My sources told me there were a lot of mean words said, a retraction on any daddy in the house, and a butt shove.”

 

He tried to smile.  “I guess that’s also accurate.”

 

“You do know the four-year old is wrong, right?”

 

He nodded.  “I’m working on it.”

 

“You’re not your dad.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And you ARE her dad,” she added, pointing to her belly.

 

“I know again.”

 

“And I think you’re an incredible man who is trying his best to be a great stepfather.  And you’re already a great daddy to the baby. You’re there for everything. You sing and talk and tell stories to her.”

 

He sighed.

 

“Look,” she clutched his hand in hers.  “Don’t let the four year old tell you who you are.  This is a person who eats his own boogers and thinks farts are award-winning comedy.”

 

Now he smiled.  “Okay. Point taken.”

 

“I’m impressed you hung in there.  I always figured you’d just give him what he wanted and let me deal with it.  Kudos to you moving into the grownup role.”

 

He opened his arms and she snuggled right in but facing him this time.  She began to stroke his chest again and kissed his nipple. “Hey, wanna fool around?  Your reward for not succumbing to the power of a bratty preschooler?”

 

He ran his hand over her breast and down to her hip.  “Now that’s a reward I can always get behind.”

 

*********************************************

“So everything looks good...your numbers are good, baby is looking good.  You have any questions, Mr. Barba?”

 

“No, I think you answered everything pretty thoroughly, Dr. Rashid.  Thank you.” He tucked his notepad back into his pocket.

 

“Great.  Then I will see you all back here in two weeks.  Vanessa, remember what we said about making sure you’re getting enough water.  And just watch your sodium intake.” Standing, Dr. Rashid nodded to them both. “Have a wonderful weekend, you all.”  And she was out the door.

 

Rafael helped Vanessa get adjusted and off of the table.  He smiled at her. “You know, you’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

 

She took a moment to wrap her arms around his shoulders.  “I love you, Rafael.”

 

He kissed her forehead.  “It’s mutual.”


	7. May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they drank, they sat very quietly, holding hands and caressing fingers. Sometimes just holding his hand warmed her straight through. She knew he loved her. He proved it to her every day. She couldn’t help but wonder if she showed it to him as much. She gently squeezed his fingers, then leaned over for a kiss. He looked surprised at her PDA, but then closed his eyes for another one, and that was even sweeter.

**_May_ **

 

“Nessa!”  Lola stood and made her way across the playroom.  She moved much slower than she used to, but they considered it a miracle she was moving at all.  She was finally back at Belle Isle and her days were resuming some sort of routine. Vanessa and Rafael had agreed to try to visit her once a week at a minimum, and with a lot of schedule juggling, they were both finally able to set up a visit at 5 pm on Friday.

 

“Hi there, Lola!  How are you, sweetie?”  Vanessa returned the fierce hug and said a prayer of thankfulness in her head.  

 

“I’m good,” she nodded, and her smile was bright.  “Where’s Rafa?”

 

Vanessa squeezed her hand.  “He’s coming. He had something at work he needed to take care of really quick before he came over here.”  Just then Rafael came breezing into the playroom, and Vanessa laughed. “Well, speak of the devil. Here he is.”

 

“Hi there.”  He leaned over and gave a kiss on the cheek to his wife before taking the empty chair on the other side of Lola.  “And how are you today, Miss Lola?”

 

“Im good.  I got to start back at school work today and I can’t wait!  Did you know soon I’m gonna be a fifth grader?”

 

He shook his head.  “Well you’re right. That is incredibly exciting news.  I know we’ll be glad to share it with everyone!”

 

“Yeah.  I can’t wait!”  Lola actually bounced on her feet from excitement, a move Vanessa had never seen from her.  This child was relaxed, able to converse, wanting to talk about her future. This child was happy, something they’d never seen on her before.  

 

“You’re growing up pretty quick,” Vanessa told her, and Lola wrapped her arms around Vanessa’s waist and squeezed, then her face took on a puzzled expression.

 

“Nessa, do you have a baby in your belly?”  She looked at Vanessa curiously, and Vanessa knew she couldn’t hide it anymore.

 

“Yes I do,” she told Lola.  “A little girl baby, and she is going to be born in July.”

 

“Oh!”  Excitement spread across Lola’s face, and she put a hand on Vanessa’s belly.  “Does she move in there?”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “Yes, she does. Sometimes she moves a lot!”

 

“Who’s her daddy?”  Her excitement suddenly faded, and she looked worried.

 

Vanessa patted her hand.  “Rafael is her daddy.”

 

Relief flooded Lola’s face.  “Rafa’s the daddy?” She looked at him, then sighed.  “Your baby’s got a good daddy,” she said, and then sat back down.  She pulled her arms in and put her hands in her lap. “Now you have a boy and a girl.  You don’t need any more kids, do you?”

 

Rafael chuckled.  “Not for awhile, anyway.  I think--”

 

Vanessa was shaking her head no, eyes wide, and he stopped talking just as Lola’s eyes filled with tears.  Shit!  _ She thinks we don’t want her.  _

 

“What Rafa means,” Vanessa interrupted, “is that I don’t want to get pregnant again anytime soon.  Honey, are you worried about something?”

 

Lola looked from one to the other, then hung her head.  “No. I live here.”

 

Rafael took Lola’s hand and gently turned her toward him.  “You live here right now. But when it’s time for you to leave here, Vanessa and I will make sure you have a safe and loving place to live.  A family. And you’re part of our family too, remember?”

 

She nodded.  “Sometimes I wish you were my real family.  Except with my mom. I want my mom to be my momma, always.”

 

“And she always will be,” Vanessa assured her.  “Did you know, though, that sometimes you can have more than one mom or dad?  Like you can have your sweet momma in heaven, looking after you, and you could have a momma here on Earth who helps to take care of you and loves you too.  You remember my little boy, Max? He has his daddy, and then he also has Rafael. Rafael is a second kind of dad who looks out for him and loves him too.”

 

Lola nodded again, looking at her hands.  “How come some kids get two dads and some kids don’t get any?”  Her blue eyes looked up to scan Vanessa’s brown ones. “Daddy said it’s ‘cause nobody would want me.”

 

Rafael reached over and touched her hand.  “Your dad was wrong about that, Lola. Lots of people love you.  And we all want you to have a family that is the perfect fit for you.  That may take awhile to find, but we are not giving up until we find them, okay?”

 

Lola nodded hesitantly, then looked at Rafael.  “Can I have a daddy like you? I just want a dad who’s nice and plays fun games with me.”  She smiled. “And does art with me.”

 

He squeezed her hand.  “I think those are things we can definitely look for.”

 

Suddenly Lola launched herself into Rafael’s body, tossing her arms around his neck, and he could hear soft sobs coming from her.  Her face was crushed into his shirt, so he was surprised he could understand anything she was saying at all. But it was clear as day when she said, “I want a daddy like you.  Why can’t I have a daddy like you? You could be my daddy.” She sniffled loudly. “It’s not fair.”

 

“No, it’s not,” he said as he patted her back.  “It’s not fair at all.”

 

They sat there in the quiet, listening to Lola’s soft crying and wiping their own eyes as needed, until finally Lola said, “I’m gonna pretend you’re my daddy, Rafa.  In my head, I can pretend it.” She looked up at him. “I’m a good pretender.”

 

He wasn’t sure what to say about that, so he just affirmed, “I know you are.”  Vanessa nodded at him, and he didn’t say anything more.

 

Once they left the building, Vanessa took his hand in hers.  “Well, that was difficult.”

 

He nodded.  “I had no idea what to say, Ness.  I don’t want to hurt her more, but there’s a part of me…”  He exhaled heavily. “Do you ever wonder if she’s just meant to be with us?”

 

“Of course I have.  I love her just like you do.  But I also love you, and Max, and Lucy, and my job...we aren’t doing any favors if we bring her into chaos and let her go.  She needs someone who can structure her time meaningfully.” She stopped herself, then added, “I know you know.”

 

“Yeah I do.”  

 

She was breathing a little heavier than normal, and he stopped them.  “Are you okay? Do we need to hail a cab? Or maybe just sit for a minute?”

 

“Eh, yeah...sitting would be good.”  She motioned right ahead of them. “Coffee shop ahead on the left.”

 

“Uh huh.  Just in time,” he teased, and held the door for her.  “You go find us a seat. Your usual?”

 

“Yeah, just decaf, please.”  She watched him get in line, and then scanned the shop.  This one had unique doodads, and she was pretty sure they also had doohickies too.  She laughed to herself at her own joke before realizing it was a bad joke and nobody else heard it, so now they probably thought she was crazy anyway.  AND she hadn’t even opened her mouth. Definite sign of crazy.

 

Rafael made it over to their table, two drinks in hand.  “Here you go, honey.” He handed her a house latte and it was as delicious as she remembered it being.

 

“Thanks,” she said sincerely.  “I appreciate it very, very much.”

 

As they drank, they sat very quietly, holding hands and caressing fingers.  Sometimes just holding his hand warmed her straight through. She knew he loved her.  He proved it to her every day. She couldn’t help but wonder if she showed it to him as much.  She gently squeezed his fingers, then leaned over for a kiss. He looked surprised at her PDA, but then closed his eyes for another one, and that was even sweeter.

 

“Can we go home?” he asked softly.  “I want to take you home.”

 

She smiled.  “You bet,” she told him, and they gathered their things and left.

 

*******************************************

As soon as they entered the apartment, he was on her, fingers tangled in her hair, lips pressed to hers, tongue tasting and savoring.  He broke away for a second to lock the door, then guided her back to the bedroom, careful she wouldn’t trip.

 

One they got there, she pulled her mouth from his and, smiling, unhooked his belt,then took his shirt off, leaving his chest bare.  “You know, I could just play with your chest all night,” she murmured, circling a nipple with her index finger. “And I don’t think you’d mind.  You’d probably come from it, wouldn’t you?”

 

She bent forward, taking one of his nipples into her mouth, and he groaned.  “Yes, I probably would, eventually,” he admitted, and felt her hand run over his other side.  “But if I recall correctly, somebody here also knows something about that.” Guiding her to the wall, he boxed her in and ran his thumbs over her nipples until hard nubs appeared.  “See? You’re gorgeous. So sexy. And you love it when I play with your tits, too.” He leaned forward and captured one in his mouth, sucking firmly. “Oh..stop,” she gasped. “Please.  It’s uncomfortable--they’re tender.”

 

He let go of her and gently cupped her breast in his hand.  “You okay? I’m sorry about that.”

 

She shook her head.  “It’s not your fault.”  She leaned forward and kissed him.  “We’re not done, are we? Please tell me we aren’t done.”

 

He chuckled.  “What? You wanna get laid or something?”

 

“Why?” She tickled him.  “You offering?”

 

“Hell yes,”  He nipped her jaw.  “But there’s something I want you to do for me first.”

 

“Oh yeah?” she asked.  “What’s that?”

 

This time he smirked at her.  “Lay down on the bed and I’ll explain.”  So she stretched out, hands wrapped around the bars of the headboard, toes pointed toward the end of the bed, and watched him take her in.  Kneeling next to the bed, he ran one finger down her forearm, to her upper arm, then over her armpit to her breast. Gently circling her nipple, he leaned down and kissed it lightly.  “Better?” he asked, and she nodded. His finger continued its descent between her breasts, over her ribs, her stomach, and gently circling her navel. His tongue followed, delicately circling her belly button, and then he pressed his palm over her belly as he lowered his face to her side.  “Hola, mija,” he said softly. “Papi loves your mami. Did you know that, little one? There’s a whole lot of love here, waiting for you in this house.”

 

She felt her eyes well with tears as he gently kissed her abdomen, then hummed a lullabye.  She recognized the tune as one he had sung to Max before at bedtime; the words were spanish and she knew his abuelita had sung it to him as a little boy.  He pressed his palm gently to the other side of her belly, waiting for the baby to move; when she didn’t, he stroked Vanessa’s skin and teased softly, “Lucy, are you playing hide and seek already?”

 

She giggled at that, and so did he, and suddenly she felt the baby shift.  She moved his hand quickly to the spot, watching his eyes light up. “There she goes,” he said sweetly, and pressed a kiss to her belly again.  Then he caught Vanessa’s hand and pressed a kiss to her palm, before allowing his hands to continue to roam her body slowly.

 

They traced down her hips and the outer parts of her thighs before lifting one knee up and planting a delicate kiss on the back of it.  “Come to bed with me, Rafael,” she said gently, and he smiled. 

 

“I will, but I want you to do something for me first.”  He reached into the bottom drawer of the nightstand and pulled out a vibrator.  Handing it to her, he said, “I want to watch you.”

 

She laughed despite herself, and he couldn’t hide his toothy grin if he tried.  “Are you serious?” she asked. She knew he was aware that she kept them there, along with a few other “aides” that they used on occasion, but he’d never requested anything like this before.  Hell, she didn’t even know he’d ever thought about it.

 

“I’m completely serious,” he told her.  “I even checked the batteries earlier.”

 

Now she laughed hard and loud.  “Of course you did!” And he laughed with her. 

 

“You know I like to be prepared, babe.  See, I could just sit right over in the chair and watch while you do...well, whatever it is you do.  I’m curious. Teach me how you like it with this.”

 

She snorted and laughed again.  “So what are you gonna do while I do this?  Take notes?”

 

“Maybe.”  Almost as if it were subconscious, he palmed himself through his boxers.  “Or maybe you can watch me too. Just my hand, though.”

 

That caused her to burst into giggles again, and he rested his chin on the bed next to her.  “So what do you say? Will you do it for your hubby who loves and adores you?”

 

She touched his nose with her finger.  “Yes I will. But you don’t need to be banished to the chair.  Just sit on the bed. Wherever it’s comfortable. Where I can see you and you can see me.”

 

“Okay.”  He stood up and moved to the corner diagonal from her, at the foot of his side of the bed.  Hesitating, he stood watching her for a second before finally pulling down his boxer briefs and kicking them out of the way.  He was almost completely hard, and she couldn’t help but stare at him momentarily. “What?”

 

She sighed.  “You’re just sexy.  Can’t I look at your cock and think it’s sexy?  I mean, you spend a lot of time looking at me, it seems.”

 

She watched him wrap his fist around his erection and pump it a couple of times.  “That’s because you’re so beautiful. Dicks are just...awkward.”

 

“Speak for yourself,” she told him, and then turned the vibrator onto its lowest setting.  “I’ve never done this before--masturbated in front of someone,” she confessed. “So don’t be too harsh on me.”  

 

He didn’t speak, but watched as she began to run the toy over the outside of her pussy.  He heard her sigh, and she stretched out farther on the bed. She was using the head to circle her clit.  “Does that feel good, hermosa?” he asked, voice low, and his thumb ran over his slit.

 

“Mmhmm.  Yes.” She continued her motions, wondering if she should try to act more aroused just to turn him on, but decided to go for the truth, which was arousing enough.  She turned her head to face him and watched as he jacked himself steadily. “Watching you makes me want to blow you,” she told him. “You look so good right now.”

 

He made a noise deep in his throat, then cleared it.  Gruffly, he said, “Put it in you. Let me see.”

 

She sighed again, and lowered the tip to her entrance.  “I wish you were doing this,” she moaned softly, then slowly slid the vibrator inside and began to slide it inside and out.

 

He could see the toy start to glisten as she took her time, moving it in and out, and rotating it.  “You like what you see, baby?” she asked, then ran a hand up to her breast and fondled her nipple. “It feels good, but not as good as you.”

 

His face was flushed, and he could feel himself starting to sweat.  She was only a couple feet away from him. He could reach up the bed and be on top of her that quickly--

 

“Mmmm,” she moaned, more for his benefit than anything else, “feels so good.  Look at you, how big you are. How swollen...want to feel you come in me, baby.”

 

He was tugging himself roughly, feeling the orgasm tight in his belly working itself forward.  “You’re so incredible, Nessie. God, I love you. Love everything about you. Wanna fuck you so badly right now...do you want me inside?  Want me to make you feel good? Do I feel as good as that vibrator?”

 

Her eyes settled on his.  “No. Better.” She pulled the vibrator out of her and rubbed the head against her for a second.  “So much better, all the time.”

 

He let go of himself and moved toward her, taking the vibrator out of her hand and turning it off.  “Your husband thinks you’re incredible,” he groaned in her ear. “I want to be inside you, loving you, Ness.  God.” He settled himself between her legs. “Ready?” She nodded.

 

“I need you,” she murmured in his ear, clutching his back.  He pushed inside, and soon he could feel her nails scratching up and down on his skin, a subtle reminder of being alive and how good the pleasure seems to work with the pain, how the bad helps to highlight the good, how we can see beauty because we’ve seen ugliness.  She always reminded him of the very best he got to experience in this world.

 

Their skin was hot and slick, and he felt otherworldly as they slid against each other in deep pleasure.  His hips drove hers in deep circles and her legs clutched higher at his sides, and she knew this was one of the greatest feelings she had ever known, being surrounded by him in sex, in pleasure, in love.  Immersed.

 

They were nose to nose, and he whispered, “Look at me, Ness.  Look at me.” And she did.

 

He was smiling at her, gasping for breath and sweating, and taking great delight in her pleasure.  She suddenly realized that she was mirroring him, and they both were sweaty, hot, gasping pictures of mutual pleasure, and she arched her chest up into him as high as she could go, considering her belly.

 

He moaned at her exquisite tightness, the pleasure he’d only ever found here, in their bed.  As he thrust more fully, she moaned and gasped into his shoulder, running her fingernails up and down his back before her orgasm took her, and she bit his shoulder harder than she meant to.

 

He cried out again, in delicious pleasure, letting his body dictate every next move.  He could feel himself spilling into her body and he kept thrusting deeply, moaning all the while, before he collapsed in a sweaty mess on top of her.

 

Now her fingernails moved more slowly, back and forth over his skin, a reminder of how quickly that intensity could gather and then, just as quickly, disappear.

 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized pulling his body up.  “Didn’t mean to fall on you like that. I’ll be right back.”

 

She watched him head to the bathroom, still in a completely dazed sense of space and time.  He lightly tripped over the bathroom tile when he stepped in, and she did all she could to stifle her laugh.  He wouldn’t have cared, though. He knew she was dreamy high on sex too.

**************************************************

 

“Happy Mommy’s Day, Momma!”  Max was climbing into the bed, and Rafael balanced the tray as she sat up, then put it in her lap.  “Wafa and I made breakfast for you. I picked it all. See? You gotted some juice and some coffee and some eggs.  Wafa made pancakes so you gotted one of those too. Oh, and he said you need fruit so I gotted the box of waisins wight there--” he pointed to a small box on the tray”--and, oh!  I put a cheese stick on there for you too ‘cause you like cheese.”

 

She laughed and tousled his hair.  “This is quite a feast! Thank you, baby.”  Turning to Rafael, she added, “And thank you, baby.”  He leaned down and kissed her.

 

“Are you weady for presents?  They’re weally good ones!”

 

“Max, maybe we should let Momma eat first, okay?”  Rafael tried to redirect Max, but with no luck.

 

“Presents are awesome, Wafa!  Momma wants her presents. Wight, Momma?  And your cards? The pretty ones, wight?” Rafael shrugged, smiling at her, and she winked at him.

 

“I think presents are definitely awesome.  Hand ‘em over!”

 

Max first handed over a daisy in a handmade vase.  The vase looked to be some kind of recycled container, and had been decorated with a lot of tissue paper and glue.  “I made it myself!” Max said proudly, then frowned. “But not the flower though. Wafa took me to pick out the flower.”

 

“It’s beautiful,” she told him, leaning over to give him a kiss.  “I love it, Max.”

 

“And THIS one we gotted from the store.  I picked it out myself!” He handed her a small box, wrapped messily, and she smiled as she took it.  “Open it, Mommy! Come on!” He was bouncing up and down on his knees, laughing excitedly.

 

“Okay, okay,” she laughed, and ripped the paper off.  Inside was a two-pack of Secret deodorant. 

 

“Wow,” she said, biting her lip to keep from laughing.  “You picked this out yourself, huh?

 

“Uh-huh!” he said proudly.  “It makes you smell good and the TV says it lasts all day.”

 

She glanced up at Rafael, who was clearly struggling to keep a straight face too.  Figuring it was in everyone’s best interest if they both maintained composure, she turned away from him.  “Well those were so thoughtful, Max. Thank you so much, honey!’

 

“But wait a minute, we’re not done!  You got a present from your princess too!”  He handed her a little box. “Lucy told me what to get you.”

 

“She did, huh?”  Vanessa opened it to find a massive Reese’s peanut butter cup.  Lifting one eyebrow, she said, “So Lucy told you to get this, you say?”

 

“Yep!  And Wafa said it’s a good idea!”

 

“I bet he did.”

 

“Here are your cards.  One from me and one from Lucy.”

 

She opened the construction paper cards and read the first one out loud:  “To Momma. Happy Mommy’s day. You’re the bestest mommy I ever had. Love, Max.”

 

“Aw, that’s so lovely, Max.”  She hugged him again, then picked up the second one.

 

“Dear Momma, Happy Mother’s Day.  I can’t wait to meet you. I already love you more than you know.  Love, Lucy.” She reached up to Rafael and kissed him. “Thank you,” she murmured, and he stroked her hair.  

 

“You’re very welcome.”  He kissed her ear and hugged her close to him.

 

“Uh, Mommy?  Can you please stop kissing and eat the breakfast we made?”

 

She laughed.  “Uh, yeah. I think I can do that.”

 

***************************************

She had already climbed into bed that night when he sat down next to her and said, “I have something for you also.”

 

She looked surprised.  “Really? Is it for Mother’s Day?  I’m not your mother.”

“Well, I’m sure there have been days you  may have felt like it,” he teased. “Anyway, here.”

 

He handed her a thin box as well as a card.  She opened the card first, and a gift certificate fell out.  “Oh no,” she laughed, “you’re going to spoil me!” It was a gift certificate for another spa day, and she couldn’t be more grateful.

 

“You deserve to be spoiled,” he said, and kissed her temple.  “I hope you enjoy every minute of it.”

 

She nodded.  “I absolutely will, as long as Max doesn’t decide to do any stunt work this time.”  They both laughed, and then she pried the paper apart around the box and took it out.  It was long and thin, from a popular jeweler.

 

“Rafa.” She said it quietly, before opening the package.  “You really do spoil me, honey. You know none of this is necessary..”

 

“Open the box,” he nodded.  

 

She did, and it took her breath away.

 

It was a small, simple silver locket on a fine silver chain.  It was in the shape of an oval and had her initials monogrammed on the front.  When she opened it, one side held a small picture of Max, and the other side had a small ultrasound picture of Lucy.

 

She was shaking her head.  “I love it,” she whispered tearfully.

 

“Obviously I couldn’t get any other pictures of Lucy, but I’m sure she’ll be accommodating once she’s born,” he teased.  “Do you really like it? I saw it and it reminded me of you.”

 

“Yes.  I love it, Rafa.”  She held it out to him.  “Put it on?”

 

He nodded, smiling, and hooked it around her neck.  She stood and wandered into the bathroom, where she could study it in the mirror more.  After several minutes, he followed her in there and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Is it good?  Are you happy?”

 

“Yes it’s good and yes I’m happy.  I was happy and good before and now I’m--I don’t know--ecstatic?  Overwhelmed? Thrilled beyond belief?”

 

He laughed, then kissed her ear.  “I love you.”

 

*****************************************************

Rafael, Fin, and Carisi lugged the packages into the front room of the apartment.  “You sure you don’t want us to go ahead and put ‘em in the baby’s room?” Sonny asked, but Vanessa shook her head.  

 

“The paint is still drying, and they’re delivering Lucy’s furniture tomorrow, I think.  We just need the space to get it in, you know?” She rolled her eyes. “New York apartments.”

 

“”Got it.  Well, you guys gonna need any help with that?  I’m supposed to see Ken and his family tomorrow, but I’m free on Sunday--” Fin started, but Rafael shook his head.

 

“You guys took enough time dragging all this stuff up here...between that and the party, that’s more than enough,” he said.  “ We don’t want to take your time from your own families.”

 

Sonny and Fin looked at each other, and Fin nodded.  “Well, okay then. Hope you guys have a good weekend.”  Vanessa hugged each of them, and they headed out.

 

Rafael sank into the couch.  “They got us good,” he commented.  

 

She started laughing.  “The look on your face when you stormed into the bullpen…”

 

He couldn’t help but laugh too.  “Well, I thought they had messed up the entire interrogation!  And after we spent so much time going over it, point by point too…”

 

“It  was pretty funny.  I thought I was going in to evaluate some poor child witness, and I walk into party central.”

 

The team had decorated the children’s playroom with balloons and streamers, and loaded it down with presents for Lucy.  There was a huge cake as well as a variety of appetizers. The entire thing had made Vanessa realize, on a much deeper level, how much she loved her colleagues.  Her friends. Her chosen family. One look at Rafael’s face, as he was covered with streamers and wearing a king’s crown, communicated that he felt the same. They were lucky.  They were blessed.

 

“Well, I’m gonna have a piece of cake before I go to bed.”  Rafael heaved himself up from the couch and headed toward the kitchen.  “Want one?”

 

“Sure, since we kind of skipped dinner...you’re going to bed at nine?”

 

“Yep,” he called from the kitchen.  A minute later he reappeared with two slices of cake and handed one to her.  “I figure by the time I eat cake, get undressed, make love to you, and hit the shower, I’ll be ready to sleep.”

 

She raised an eyebrow.  “You assume a lot in there.”

 

“What?” he asked, “That the shower will relax me enough to sleep?”

 

She nudged his arm.  “Eat your cake, Romeo.  I’m putting my feet up for awhile.  Sorry to mess up your plans.”

 

He took a bit of frosting and dotted her nose with it.  “Well, it was worth a shot.” He looked at her and smiled.  “You’re cute when you’re pregnant.”

 

She dotted his lips with frosting, then kissed them.  “Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to confess, the Mother's Day present is actually stolen from real life. However, to protect the sweet child who gave this to his mother, I will NOT name names, lol!
> 
> We're getting close to having a baby, folks!
> 
> Kudos and comments are welcome! Thanks for reading!


	8. June

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple minutes later, the doctor concluded that labor hadn’t started, and the contractions were indeed false. “You’re not going to like what I tell you next, though. You’re to be on bedrest until your next doctor’s appointment, and at that time Dr. Rashid will determine what she thinks is safest.”
> 
> “But if everything is okay--”
> 
> “You’re having some swelling,” Dr. Ellison said. “With your age, and the fact that you’ve had elevated blood pressure a couple of times this past month, the safest course of action right now is bedrest.” He glanced at Rafael, then said, “I have the feeling that you’ll be well taken care of.”
> 
> “Well you better clarify that I’m allowed to get up to pee,” she grumbled, “or else he’ll be sticking bed pans under me.”

**_June_ **

 

They were playing volleyball on the beach in front of the bungalow.  She and Rollins were against Rafael and Carisi, and the winners were going to get a sheet cake and they didn’t have to share it.

 

“Heads up!” Rollins yelled at her, and Vanessa dove for the ball, getting it just in time.  It cleared the net and Carisi missed it by a few inches. Vanessa recovered quickly, and felt pretty 

impressed with herself.  Here she was, eight months pregnant and kicking Carisi’s ass in volleyball.

 

“You’re going down, Rayden,” she heard Barba’s call to her, and just then the ball hit her in the gut, and the cockiness she had felt a minute earlier turned into pain.  “Shit,” she gasped, and grabbed her belly.

 

“You okay?” Rollins asked as Vanessa lowered herself to the ground, the pain still hanging on.

 

“Yeah, will be,” she said as it let go, and she saw Rafael bending down next to her.

 

“Okay?” he asked, and suddenly the pain hit her again.   _ Contraction, _ she thought, and she felt his hand rest on her belly.  “Vanessa?”

 

She opened her eyes.  He’d already turned on a light and was sitting up, looking worried.  His hand rested on her belly, next to her own. “Hey,” he murmured, “you okay?  You cried out.”

 

“I think I had a contraction,” she told him, and just then another one hit.  “Jesus,” she gritted her teeth.

 

He was already up, pulling on his clothes and gathering her things.  “I think we need to go to the hospital and have you checked.”

 

She shook her head.  “It’s too soon--”

 

“Obviously Lucy doesn’t think so.”

 

“No,” she corrected.  “I mean, they aren’t that close together.  Let me just call my doctor, okay?”

 

He sighed.  “Okay. Fine.”  He handed her the phone.

 

*******************************************

They were in triage of the Labor and Delivery unit at Mercy.  She was hooked up to monitors and was waiting for the doctor to come in.  She’d had a few more contractions, and her doctor had wanted her to be checked just in case.  

 

Rafael was seated next to her, bouncing a leg up and down nonstop as he checked his phone.  She knew he was nervous. She had done what she could to calm him down, reminded him that the contractions weren’t following any real pattern, that they might be Braxton-Hicks, that she and Lucy were in great health.  She even teased him that maybe Lucy just got active because of the sugar from the two (okay, three) slices of cake she had eaten.

 

He had given her a momentous stare before saying slowly, “No more cake for you, then.”

 

There was a knock on the door and then it opened, revealing a young man in scrubs.  “Mrs. Barba?” he asked, extending his hand. “I’m Dr. Ellison. I understand you’ve been having some contractions tonight?”

 

“A few, but they’re not consistent and have been pretty far apart.”

 

He nodded, and reviewed the printouts of the baby’s heartrate.  “So far, from what we’ve seen here, everything appears to be normal.  I’m going to do a manual exam to be sure, but your urine and bloodwork all are measuring as they should, and no indications of labor.”

 

“You can tell that from urine?” Rafael asked, surprised.  “Sorry. I just--I hadn’t read that.”

 

The doctor smiled.  “Yes, and your wife looks like she’s just fine.  Mrs. Barba, can you scoot down toward me?”

 

A couple minutes later, the doctor concluded that labor hadn’t started, and the contractions were indeed false.  “You’re not going to like what I tell you next, though. You’re to be on bedrest until your next doctor’s appointment, and at that time Dr. Rashid will determine what she thinks is safest.”

 

“But if everything is okay--”

 

“You’re having some swelling,” Dr. Ellison said.  “With your age, and the fact that you’ve had elevated blood pressure a couple of times this past month, the safest course of action right now is bedrest.”  He glanced at Rafael, then said, “I have the feeling that you’ll be well taken care of.”

 

“Well you better clarify that I’m allowed to get up to pee,” she grumbled, “or else he’ll be sticking bed pans under me.”

 

The doctor chuckled.  “Using the bathroom, getting a drink, light activities like that are fine.  I don’t want you doing a lot of walking or lifting. You may have some more Braxton-Hicks contractions.  Just make sure you keep Dr. Rashid in the loop.” He scanned his notes once more. “You see Dr. Rashid on Wednesday, correct?”

 

“Yeah, that sounds right.”

Rafael checked his phone.  “Yes, at nine a.m.”.

 

Vanessa closed her eyes so she wouldn’t shoot him a nasty glare for being so on top of things.

 

“Okay great.  If you have any other concerns in the meantime, don’t hesitate to come back.”  He held out his hand to shake Vanessa’s again, then Rafael’s. “Best of luck.”

 

*******************************************

 

It was Sunday afternoon and she was lying in their bed, watching reruns on the Food Network, when he came in to check on her.

 

“Hey there,” he said, sitting next to her.  “How are you doing?”

 

She sighed.  “I’m bored. And restless.”  She looked up at him with her most pitiful expression.  “And I’m lonely. Wanna help me pass some time?” She ran a hand along his thigh, then ghosted it over his crotch.

 

“You’re very funny,” he told her sarcastically.  “There’s no way in hell that’s happening.”

 

“Why not?”  She sounded whiny, even to herself.

 

“Vanessa!”  He looked briefly offended, then softened his tone.  “I know this is hard. I know you’re not the kind of person to sit still like this, but we have to take it easy on both you and Lucy.  I’m not endangering the woman I love and the baby I’m waiting for over an orgasm.”

 

She snorted.  “There’s nothing wrong with having sex.  It doesn’t count as working out or something like that.  We can go nice and slow and it will be just fine.”

 

“Uh, no.”  He was shaking his head and crossed his arms.  “Not on your life.”

 

“Fine!” she snapped at him.  “You just wait until Wednesday.  I’m gonna ask Dr. Rashid if we can do it and when she says yes I’m gonna make fun of you for suffering because you’re such a know it all boss!”

 

His mouth opened and closed multiple times, and with his eyes wide like they were, she thought he looked like a fish, and almost told him so.  He shook his head. “Fine. One of us has to be the adult here, and I guess it’s my turn.” He stood, then turned around. “Do you need anything?  A drink? A snack?”

 

“An orgasm,” she told him, and he rolled his eyes again and headed toward the door.

 

“I still have my vibrators,” she called after him, down the hallway.  “Boss,” she grumbled.

 

**********************************************

 

“Well, everything looks good,” Dr. Rashid confirmed on Wednesday.  “Your blood pressure is down, no more Braxton Hicks so far, and the swelling hasn’t gotten worse.  Baby’s heartrate is good as well. I want to see you back in two weeks, and then we’ll be going week to week after that.”

 

“Perfect.”  Vanessa and Rafael were both smiling, and he reached over and squeezed her hand.  “So what about bedrest?”

 

Dr. Rashid nodded.  “Modified bedrest for you.  No more working for now, no walking long distances.  It’s fine to do things at home, but the majority of time I do want you resting, with your feet above your head.”

 

“Feet above my head,” she repeated, smiling at Rafael.  “Hear that, honey?”

 

He shot her a warning look.  “Yes, I’ve got it.”

 

“One more question,” Vanessa continued.  “Is it safe to continue to have sex at this point?  When should I stop?”

 

“Well, as long as it’s comfortable, and you’re not doing anything involving a lot of exertion, it should be fine.”  Dr. Rashid nodded toward Rafael, who could feel his cheeks burning. “Most couples stop when it becomes uncomfortable.  But as I said, unless things change, it won’t harm the baby.”

 

“Thank you.”  Vanessa shook her hand.

 

“Absolutely.  See you in a couple of weeks.  Call me if anything changes.”

 

As soon as the door shut, Rafael turned to her.  “You’re a brat sometimes, you know that?”

 

She grinned.  “Nah, just horny.”

 

****************************************************

“You didn’t deserve that,” he grumbled at her as she collapsed on the bed next to him.

 

“Why?” she asked, breathlessly laughing.  “Because I was right?”

 

He rolled toward her, resting his head on his hand.  “Because you’re insufferable.”

 

She laughed again.  “Oh hush. You can admit you’re glad I asked.”

 

“Insufferable,” he repeated, then blew a raspberry on her breast, and they both burst into a fit of giggles.

 

*******************************************

“Happy Father’s Day, Wafa!  We made you cookies!” Max was bouncing up and down on his toes.  Rafael took off his suit jacket, and Max was quickly climbing on him.

 

“Hey there, amigo!” he chuckled.  “It’s good to see you too! Did you have a good week with your dad?”  He moved over to Vanessa, who was sitting in the recliner, and kissed her cheek.  “Hola Mami.”

 

“I did!  Did you know today is Father’s Day?  And Alex and me made Daddy some pancakes ‘cause he likes them and then we all went to the park and then we saw a movie and it was silly and then I got weady to come here.  Then Mommy and me made you some cookies ‘cause you’re kinda like a dad but not weally my dad, what’s it called, Mom?”

 

“Stepfather,” Vanessa supplied.

 

“Yeah, that.”  Max was trying to get down.  Rafael set him back on the floor.  “Want a cookie now? They’re weally good.  Momma let me try one for you.”

 

He nodded.  “I would love one.  Thank you, Max!” Max bounded into the kitchen, and he turned to Vanessa.  “You look tired.”

 

“Just a little.  How’d the meeting go?”

 

“Can we speak of happier things right now?” he asked.  “Like, you know, terroristic threats or root canals?”

 

She winced on his behalf.  “Your daughter also has a present for you, but Mommy’s saving it for tonight.”

 

“Oh!” he teased.  “I like nighttime presents.”

 

“Here Wafa!”  Max handed him a plate with several cookies on it.  “They’re so good so I gave you a lot.”

 

“Thanks, Max.”

 

“Oh!  Momma, where’s my card?  Oh, there it is---” He grabbed a piece of paper off the coffee table and handed it to Rafael.  “I made it all by myself but Momma wrote my words down.”

“Awesome.  Can I read it?”

 

Max nodded.  “Yep.”

 

“‘Dear Rafa, Happy Father’s Day!  Aren’t you happy you have a little boy like me at your house?  I love you because you are smart and funny and you like to build in the sand and you do the funny voices in our story books.  And you are a very nice daddy to Lucy plus Momma loves you whole bunches. Love, Max’.”

 

Every once in awhile, it would hit him, how much this was his family, his people.  How much he was accepted and part of them. This was one of those moments. “Hey Max?  Thank you so much for this. It makes me really happy.”

 

“Yay!” Max cried, and threw his arms around Rafael.  “We like happy!”

 

“Yes, we do,” he replied, hugging Max back.

 

At bedtime that evening, she was waiting for him under the covers, and he shot her a side glance.  “Should I even bother putting my pajamas on?”

 

She snorted.  “Uh, get your mind out of the gutter, Barba.  It’s Father’s Day...not ‘Make Me A Father’ day.”

 

He shrugged.  “Just thought I’d be optimistic.”  Pulling on a tee shirt with his boxers, he slid into bed next to her.  “Okay, wifey, I’m ready.”

 

She was shaking her head.  “I can’t believe I willingly procreated with you.”

 

He snickered.  “Not just willingly.  You liked it so much you married me!”  Laughing, he nipped her neck. She tickled his ribcage.

 

“Stop!  I will pee on this bed, Rafael.  I mean it!” He let go and she caught her breath.  “Now, here.” And she handed him a small box and a card. 

 

He opened the card first.  It was a typical father’s day card with a typical sentiment, but she had written her own message at the bottom.  “I know you worry, but you shouldn’t. You are already a kickass daddy. I love you.” He looked up to her, getting teary eyed already, and said softly, “Thank you.  You always know what I need to hear.”

 

She took his hand and squeezed his fingers.  “You’re gonna do great, Papi.”

 

He wiped his eyes for a moment, then opened the package.  

 

Inside was a pair of black socks with a strange repetitive image on them.  He looked closer, and suddenly realized it was the latest, clearest ultrasound image of Lucy.  He burst out laughing.

 

“Oh my God, where in the hell did you get these?”  He was holding them close to his face, examining the image of his sweet baby girl, over and over on his socks.

 

“I have my sources.”  She rested a hand on his thigh.  “I knew I couldn’t outdo your present to me.  That locket is perfect. But I thought maybe I could at least be creative.  And if I know you, you’ll wear them.”

 

“You better believe it,” he returned, still gazing in awe.  “Every damn day I can.”

 

“Happy Father’s Day, Rafa.  I love you. I’m so glad you’re my baby daddy.”

 

His face was soft when he looked at her.  “I love you, sweetheart. If this baby is anything like her mother, we are bringing an incredible gift into this world.”

 

She leaned over and kissed him.  “I’ll be sure to remind you of that,” she teased, and he tickled her briefly again.

 

*******************************************

“You okay?”

 

She had been tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, trying to get comfortable.  “Yeah,” she said, not very convincingly. “I’m just uncomfortable as hell. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

 

“It’s okay.”  He reached over and gently rubbed her belly.  “Anything I can do to help?”

 

“Sure.  Induce my labor.”

 

He leaned over and kissed her belly.  “You’ve got less than two weeks, baby.  Almost there.”

 

“But not yet,” she whined.  “And why did I get pregnant so I’d be this big when it’s hot outside?  Whoever planned this did a piss poor job.”

 

“Honey,” he reasoned, “it’s only June.  It’s been in the eighties. It’s not that hot--”

 

She shot him a death glare, and he knew he should have stopped speaking three sentences ago.  “I’m so sorry you’re uncomfortable. Do you want me to turn the air to a cooler temperature? Or I can go sleep in Max’s room so you can stretch out more?”

 

She suddenly burst into tears.  “I can’t even handle being pregnant!  How am I going to handle a new baby? I already have a preschooler and a demanding job and I want our marriage to work--it HAS to work, Rafa--what the hell have I done?”

 

He continued to gently stroke her belly.  “Baby, you’re not alone this time. Remember?  I’m here and we’ll get through this together, every step of the way.  How we get through everything, remember, Ness?”

 

She snuffled, rubbinig her nose on her wrist before he handed her a tissue.  “You’re okay,” he reassured her quietly. “Promise, baby. It’s all gonna be okay.  We’re gonna be okay.”

 

“And I love you,” she sniffled softly,  “And I’d curl up closer if my damn belly wasn’t the size of a small country.”

 

He pulled her close.  “Love you too, querida.  To the moon and back, or whatever metaphor you’re using today.”

 

********************************************

“Mommy,” Max said, “Can we go to the park soon?”

 

Vanessa shook her head.  “Rafa may be able to take you when he gets back from the store, but I don’t know.  He’s tired too, Max.”

 

“Why can’t you go?  Why you gotta stay in bed?”  He was building with his legos on the coffee table, as Vanessa lay on the couch and watched him.  Rafael had gone to pick up some groceries. She was easily remembering now how difficult that last month was when she was carrying Max, and her current evening prayers always concluded with, “Lord, deliver this baby from me, stat.  Amen.”

 

“Because the doctor says I need to rest to help Lucy finish growing.  She’s coming very soon.”

 

Max looked at her skeptically.  “I don’t think there’s anymore room for her to grow, Momma.  Your belly’s SO BIG.” He held out his little arms in front of him, indicating her current state.

 

“Yes, Max.  I’m aware. It’s very big right now.”  She pulled herself up to a sitting position.  “And it’s very uncomfortable. I need to pee...stay here and be good, okay?”

 

“‘Kay, Momma.  You need any help?  I can hold your hand or get toilet paper to wipe.”

 

“No thanks,” she told him.  “Momma can do that herself.”  She made her way back to their bedroom as Max continued to build with his legos.

 

A moment later Rafael came in.  “Hola, Amigo! You building, huh?”  He toed off his shoes on the mat by the door and hung his coat up, then carried the bags into the kitchen.  “Where’s Momma?”

 

“She’s in the bathroom.  She had to pee. She said wait here, so I did.”

 

“Good job, buddy.  Can you do the same while I just go peek in on her?”

 

“Yeah, you can.”  Rafael headed down the hallway.

 

The bedroom was quiet and he made his way to the bathroom and knocked.  “You okay?”

 

He heard the toilet flush.  “Yeah,” she said, and he could hear the water running from her washing her hands. 

 

He opened the door for her as she was on her way out.  “Oh, hi,” she said again, almost running into him.

 

“Hey.  Hi.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek.  “You feeling okay?”

 

She rounded him and made her way back to the den.  “I’d feel better if she was born already,” she lamented, laying her legs out from under her.  If you can get that message out to the powers that be…”

 

“I’m pretty sure everyone who needs to know is aware, honey.”  

 

“Great.  Fantastic.”  Sne nodded to Max.  “He wants to go to the park.”

 

Rafael looked at Max for a second, and then said, “Well, now isn’t a good time, but Max?  I have something you can help me with if you want. In the bedroom.”

 

Max looked up, curious.  “My bedroom?”

 

“No,” Rafael said, “My bedroom...momma’s bedroom.”

 

“Oh.”  Max finished attaching a lego.  “Okay!”

 

She looked at both of them and shook her head.  “And I’m supposed to be okay with this? You two going off unsupervised to do something in my bedroom?”

 

Rafael peered around the corner at her.  “No,” he corrected, “MY bedroom.”

 

She rolled her eyes and watched them both head down the hall, then shifted herself to try to get comfortable enough for a nap.

 

*****************************************

“Are you SURE she’s not gonna be mad, Wafa?”

 

She heard Max’s words, and stirred.  God help her.

 

“I’m not sure of anything right now, Max, but I’m willing to take the chance.”

 

Oh Jesus.  God help them all.  

 

She opened her eyes to see twilight, and shifted enough that she could see Rafa and Max sitting on the floor, putting together a puzzle.  “Hello,” she said, trying to pull herself up to a sitting position.

 

“Hello,” Rafael said, putting his puzzle piece where it belonged.  Max giggled.

 

“Max,” she said sweetly, “tell Mommy what you guys did.”

 

Max’s eyes got big and he shot a quick look at Rafael.

 

Rafael nodded.  “It’s okay,” he reassured him, “you helped me out.”  Turning to Vanessa, he quirked an eyebrow. “Although it is underhanded to go after the preschooler.”

 

She stuck out her tongue.  “I need to know what I’m walking into.”

 

“We just made something cool for you Momma, that’s all.”  Max looked back at Rafael. “Wight, Wafa?”

 

Rafael nodded.  “Yes. Yes, we did.”  He pulled himself up from the floor, then held out a hand to her.  “Here, come on. I think you might be surprised.”

 

Max giggled again, but she took Rafael’s hand and let him lead her to the master bedroom.  Max ran ahead of them. “Momma...Wafa loves you, wemember?”

 

She looked at Rafael.  “Did you pay him to say that?”

 

“Maybe.”  He nodded for Max to open the bedroom door, and then said, “Go ahead.”

 

She stepped into the bedroom and felt her mouth hang open in shock.  Crammed into their space was a large hammock supported by a floor frame.  She was thankful all the windows were closed, because she knew she’d be catching flies.  

“I don’t think she likes it, Wafa,” Max stage-whispered to him, and Vanessa heard him clear his throat.

 

“Hear me out, Ness...I’ve done some reading about this, and some women find them very comfortable at this stage...more than a bed or a couch….I promised you one ages ago anyway for the balcony, and we can move it out there once Lucy’s here, but for now, I just thought you might want to try it…”

 

She took a step toward it and pressed on the fabric.  “This thing is huge.”

 

“Yeah...it’s a double sized one.  I do think we can make it fit on the balcony.  It’ll be tight, but---”

 

“You did this for me.  Because I’m so uncomfortable…” She swung around and met his gaze, and he nodded.  She watched him swallow heavily.

 

“Uh, yeah.”

 

She stepped toward him quickly, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his jaw.  “I can’t believe you did this. I can’t believe you did this for me.”

 

He hugged her back.  “Of course, sweetheart.  I just want it to be easier for you.”  He held her close for a minute, and then said, “I hope it works.”

 

She pulled back, tears in her eyes, and shook her head.  “It doesn’t matter if it works or not,” she told him. “You’re one in a million, you know that?”

 

He grinned crookedly at her, and she hugged him again.  He felt Max tug on his finger, and he looked down.

 

“I think she likes it,” Max whispered again, smiling, and Rafael nodded back.


	9. July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're having a baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a word of warning...any mistakes regarding labor are my own lack of knowledge or understanding--this is based on a little research and a little experience, with little being the operative word.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!

**_July_ **

 

“I can’t believe it’s the first and I’m still lugging around your little love child.”  Vanessa was reclining in the hammock, drinking iced coffee and watching Rafael make the bed.  “There’s something just not right about going to term.”

He tossed a pillow onto the bed.  “Have faith, dear one. Lucy will be here when she’s ready.”  A second pillow hit the bed. “God knows, I can use all the extra time I can get.”

She knew he was stretched thin.  His caseload was hardly reasonable, and he’d been trying to pick up her slack at home with both the housework and with Max.  They had been fortunate to have Matty, Max’s nanny with Bobby, come to help when Max was with them. Rafael had also made every single doctor’s appointment with the exception of one, and even he agreed it would have been impossible to duck out of a cross-examination.  But most nights he wasn’t making it home until after ten. 

“Well, I’m in the final stretch, anyway.  She’s coming on the seventh if she’s not here before.”  She shook her drink, trying to mix it a little better. “Once she’s out, I won’t have to be an invalid anymore and can help you do more taxing things.  You know, like making the bed and putting the pillows up by the headboard.”

He tossed a throw pillow at her.  She caught it mid-air and chucked it back.  “Hey, you could have at least aimed for the bed and made less work for me.”  He tossed the pillow on the bed, then looked back at her. She was sitting still, frozen in the same position she’d been a minute before.  “You okay?”

She held her hand to her belly and grimaced, then nodded.  “They’re getting stronger.”

“Okay...how long was that one?”

“Maybe ten to fifteen seconds.”  She swung her legs off the hammock and he hurried to her side to help.  “I’m gonna get my shoes on so we can go. Are you almost ready?”

“Yeah.  Here, slip them on and then just sit, okay?”  She slid her feet into her flip flops and chewed on her ice, waiting for him to finish combing his hair and grabbing his shoes.

*******************************************

Dr. Rashid took a look at the data Rafael had recorded on his app.  Every contraction, starting the night before, along with length and intensity.  She read the data, continuing to glance up at Vanessa every few seconds. “All right,” she said, after a minute.  “Let’s go ahead and check you.”

A moment later, she nodded.  “You’re dilated to a three. I don’t want this labor to progress any further--if we’re going to do a C-section, we need to do it today.  Now. I’m sending you upstairs.”

“Oh thank God,” Vanessa muttered, closing her eyes.

“Now?” She heard Rafael’s voice, higher pitched than normal.  “But there’s six more days…”

Dr. Rashid and Vanessa both turned to look at him, and he felt his face go hot.  “I just, it’s just...I mean, she’s only a three and it can take days to progress, right?”

Vanessa stared at him.  “Are you KIDDING me?”

Dr. Rashid shook her head.  “Mr. Barba, as we discussed before, Vanessa’s previous injuries make it more dangerous to proceed with a vaginal delivery.  The safest course for both your wife and your daughter is a C-section. I don’t want labor to go any further than it has at this point.  We need to go ahead and prep you. With any luck, you’ll be holding your daughter in a couple of hours.”

“Yes,” Vanessa breathed, then turned to look at Rafael with something close to sympathy.  Reaching for his hand, she said, “This is good, Rafa. I promise, this is gonna be good.”

“Okay.”  He nodded back at her.  “Okay...I’m going to send the texts we talked about.  Everything will go as it’s supposed to. Right? Right.”  He buried his face in his phone, bringing up the group text they’d put together for this occasion.  “Right, Barba,” he muttered to himself again. “Right.”

**************************************

“Here you are, Rafael… just put this on.”  The nurse, Susan, handed him disposable scrubs to wear.  “Go ahead and get them on. We’re going to take Vanessa to the OR in a few minutes, and once everything is set up, I’ll bring you in, okay?  Make sure you have your camera ready too.”

“My camera,” he squeaked.  “Right. On my phone.” 

He began to dress himself, paying more attention to putting on the disposable outfit than to his wife for a moment, until they started to wheel her out.  “Hey,” he called, “I’ll be right there, okay, sweetheart?” He hoped his voice sounded steadier than he felt.

“Okay,” he heard her soft reply.  He finished getting everything on and grabbed his phone in time to see a text from his mother--

_       LB: OMG!  I’m on my way! _

_      RB:  Going in now. _

Another one immediately followed from Bobby.

_      BG:  Good luck!  We’ll be by tonight. _

And as he went to pocket his phone, a last one from Liv:

_      OB:  No worries, Rafa.  You got this. _

He didn’t know what to think of that, other than he hoped she was right.  He’d sort it out later.

Susan came back in the room, smiling at him.  “About ready?” she asked. “I can take you over now.”

He nodded.  “Sure.”

He didn’t know what to expect, going in, but he hadn’t expected what he saw.  The doctor already had opened his wife up, and he didn’t know if he should be horrified or fascinated.  Susan quickly directed his attention to a stool by Vanessa’s head, and there were curtains suspended covering her chest down.  She was struggling to keep her eyes open. “Baby, I’m right here,” he told her. “Are you okay?”

She nodded sleepily.  The anaesthesiologist nodded at him and said, “This is normal.”

Then he heard, “Get your camera ready...here she is!”  And Dr. Rashid held up a tiny bluish-pink baby, starting to move and wiggle.  He pulled his stool out and he took photo after photo of this tiny creature and he heard himself say, “Oh, Nessa, she’s beautiful...she’s perfect...she’s here!” And he didn’t care that his voice was shaky at all.

Susan placed a hand on his shoulder and said, “Would you like to come in and take more pictures while we weigh her?”  She motioned to an adjoining room where a nurse had carried the baby. He nodded obediently.

“I don’t hear her.”  Vanessa’s eyes were closed, but then she asked, “Is she okay?”

“She’s in the next room, honey,” he told her, and Dr. Rashid said, “Open the door...she needs to hear her baby.”

The door opened and they both heard the loud and healthy squalls of their baby girl, and a smile fell across Vanessa’s lips.  He exhaled seeing her relax, and followed Susan into the adjoining room, taking as many pictures as he could of Luciana Elizabeth Barba.

*******************************************

“Here you are, Daddy.”  Susan had swaddled the baby and gently placed her in her father’s arms.  Vanessa was woozy, but coming around.

He stared at the tiny baby, seven pounds nine ounces, nineteen inches long, they had told him.  Small enough that she easily fit in his hands. He was shocked by her size. “Lucy, you’re a tiny thing,” he murmured to her.

“See, no sweat.”  Vanessa was watching him, smiling.

“You want to hold her?”

She shook her head.  “Not yet...still too shaky from the meds.”

He looked back at his daughter, traced the lines of her face with his eyes, memorized the small thatch of dark hair on her head.  “She’s perfect, Nessie. So perfect.”

Vanessa was smiling, relaxed.  “Enjoy hogging her now, Rafa, because in a little bit I’m taking her and you won’t get her back.  Not until she starts talking, anyway.”

He chuckled.  “Nah, I think you’ll share.”  She closed her eyes again and he gently touched her arm.  “Hey,” he said softly, “you did good.”

“Thanks,” she murmured, and dozed off as he snuggled Lucy closer.

****************************************

“She’s perfect,” Lucia said as she visited a little bit later.  Vanessa kindly handed the baby to her grandmother, who had taken over Rafael’s seat next to the bed and was now fussing over her granddaughter.  “Are you doing okay? Did everything go smoothly? How long are they going to keep you? You know, if you need anyone to watch Max--”

“Mami,” Rafael interrupted, “she just gave birth.  Don’t ask her to prepare a dissertation on it right away.”

Lucia shot him a look, then turned to Vanessa.  “He’s clearly still adjusting to fatherhood. Is there anything I can do for you, mija?”

Vanessa shook her head.  “I don’t think so. There might be a night or two that we may need help with Max, but Rafael and Bobby are coordinating that, so I know Rafa will let you know.”

“That’s absolutely perfect.  Just let me know. Rafi--” she pointed to a gift bag next to her purse on the couch in the room--”that’s a gift for you all for this beautiful princess.  Be careful with it, mijo…”

“It’s a bag, Mom.  I think I can handle it.”  The irony that the world had just gifted him a person and his mother didn’t trust him with a bag was not lost upon him.

She sighed exasperatedly.  “I’m not worried about the bag, Rafael...it’s what is in it.  Go ahead and take it out.”

He reached in and pulled out a small velvet box, then handed it to Vanessa.  She opened it carefully, and inside was a small gold bracelet with a cross on it.  It looked to be antique. The gold was slightly tarnished and it was sized for an infant.

“It was Mami’s...your abuelita’s...it came from Cuba with her.  She passed it on to me when I was born, and asked me to give it to the next girl in our family.”  Lucia looked down into her arms and smiled at the baby. “That would be you, sweet girl.” She looked at Vanessa, but Rafael was certain she was speaking to him.  “Your abuelita wore it at her baptism, and I wore it at mine. I know you all aren’t practicing Catholics--”

“Mami, Vanessa isn’t Catholic.  You know this. And you know I’m not practicing--”

Vanessa lay a hand on his arm, and he stopped speaking.

Lucia shot a tense glance at her son, then turned back to Vanessa.  “Anyway, I want you to have it. Regardless of what you do with it, of what it comes to mean to you...it belongs to her.  It belongs to the next girl in the family. That would be Luciana.”

Rafael could hear his own breathing, hard, trying to maintain some semblance of calm at his mother’s gift.  The fact it came from Abuelita made it precious to him and Lucia had known that; the fact it was tied to the church made it painful, and she had to have known that too.  But Vanessa took his hand in hers and said, “It’s absolutely beautiful. We’ll make sure she knows where it came from.”

Her husband looked at her, and thankfulness flooded his face.  How much was for her and how much was for his mother, she didn’t know.  It didn’t matter.

“Oh Lucy,” her abuelita murmured, “you are so loved.”

***************************************

She was feeding Lucy as Rafael checked his emails when he suddenly jumped up.  “Max and Bobby are here...I’m gonna run out there and walk them in.”

“Okay.”  She nodded and he headed out of the room.  Leaning down, she whispered, “Your daddy is just so excited, peanut.  He doesn’t know what to do with his energy.”

A minute later she saw Rafael and Max, hand in hand, sprinting toward the door, while Bobby followed behind, with flowers and balloons.

“Hi Momma,” Max said in a whisper.  “Is that my baby sister?”

“It IS your baby sister!” she told him.  “Come sit down. She’s almost done eating.”

Max slid into the chair next to her bed.  “Is she drinkin’ her dinner?”

“Yes, she is.”

“I did that too, wight?  When I was a baby?”

“You did,” she told him.  A moment later, she said, “Max, would you like to hold Lucy?”

He nodded excitedly.  “Yes, Mommy! I wanna hold my precious baby sister.”  Rafael took the baby from her and gently placed her in Max’s lap, putting one hand behind her head.

“Here, Max, see?  Just keep a hand on the back of her head.  Little babies need help so their necks don’t hurt.”

Max held his sister, sitting very still, while both Bobby and Rafael snapped pictures.  “Smile!” Bobby told him, and Max pasted a cheesy grin on his face, but Vanessa could tell he was growing uncomfortable.  

“Okay, that’s enough,” he said a minute later.  “No more holding.”

“Okay.”  Rafael picked Lucy up and took her over to the bassinet to change her.

“Momma, you gotted a big cut on your belly?”

“I do,” she told him.  “Just like we talked about.  So Momma’s gotta rest a bit more when I get home.”

“Look!” Max said, changing gears and hopping up to point out the presents they brought.  “Daddy and I got you some flowers and some balloons and lookit...I gotted Lucy a teddy bear!  Wight Dad?”

Bobby nodded.  “You’re right. You picked that out yourself.”

Max nodded proudly, then looked over at Rafael and Lucy..  “You think she wants it?”

“I don’t know,” Vanessa told him.  “Do you want to give it to her?”

“Not wight now,” he said, eyeing her carefully.  “She’s getting hugs from her daddy.”

“Yes,” Vanessa agreed, “She likes those.”

They visited for a short while longer, until Max and Vanessa both began to yawn, and Bobby announced it was time to go.  Max gave them both hugs and kisses goodbye, and then he leaned over and touched Lucy’s forehead. “Bye little sister. See you tomorrow.”

After they left, Rafael dimmed the lights.  He could look at Vanessa and tell she was exhausted, but her smile never wavered.  “Do you want me to hold her for awhile?” she asked. “Are you tired?’ 

He shook his head.  “Go to sleep, baby. She’ll be right here when you wake up.  So will I.”

“Put her in the bassinet before you get sleepy,” she reminded him, closing her eyes.

“Doing it now,” he whispered, laying the sleeping baby in the bassinet.  He reclined the chair next to her bed. “I love you Nessa.” His hand slipped into hers intermingling their fingers.

*************************************

“Good morning!”  Rollins and Fin strode in, carrying multiple cups of coffee and breakfast for a group.  “Carisi’s parking the car--he’ll be up in a minute.” She shoved the coffee carrier into Rafael’s hand and then went straight for Vanessa.  “Oh my God, she is BEAUTIFUL!” Amanda’s face was immediately a few inches from Lucy’s, and Vanessa laughed. 

“Do you want to hold her, Rollins?  Or just breathe in her baby breath?”

Rollins made a face.  “Of course I’ll hold her.  She needs me to hold her.” Vanessa passed the baby over, and Amanda quickly cradled her while Fin and Rafael sorted out the coffee and breakfast.  Fin went to hand Vanessa a cup of coffee when Amanda stopped him, turning to Rafael. “Is she allowed to have that yet?” she asked, then turned to Vanessa.  “Are you allowed to have that yet?”

Vanessa rolled her eyes.  “Yes mom, I can have a cup of coffee...and I can even have a biscuit if I want it.  Sheesh.”

“Hey,” Carisi appeared in the doorway with a large gift.  “It’s from all of us. How’s it going?”

“Well, she survived the first night, so that’s positive,” Fin said, nodding toward Rafael, who didn’t look amused.  “Amanda practically yanked her out of Vanessa’s arms, so apparently the kid is tough and can make it through rough handling.”

“Funny,” Rollins snarked back.  Carisi moved closer, and gently pulled the blanket away from Lucy’s face.  “Isn’t she beautiful?” Amanda crooned, and Carisi grinned.

“She is.  Look at all that dark hair.”  He tilted his head toward Rafael.  “So what’s it like being a new dad?”

He shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling a bit self-conscious, but then he caught sight of his baby in Amanda’s arms and sighed.  “It’s wonderful,” he admitted.

“What’s wonderful?” Liv stepped into the room with a small flower arrangement.  “Let me guess...this little one?” And she smiled and nodded toward the baby.

“Something like that,” he said, and she set the arrangement down on the table.

Lucy started to squirm and cry, and Vanessa extended her arms.  “She’s hungry...it’s time for her to eat.” Amanda gently handed the baby back, and turned to Fin and Carisi.  “Uh, if you hang around, it’s your own fault if you get flashed.”

Vanessa snorted.  “Good God, if seeing my boobs is anybody’s idea of a good time, they seriously need to get out more.”

“Hey, I think we’re all adults and can handle a baby being fed,” Liv interjected just as Rafael facepalmed.

“I’m just drinking my coffee and eating my sandwich.”  Fin sat down on the couch and dug into his breakfast.

“Hey, with these two, that baby may be drinking coffee right now,” Carisi joked.  “Runs through the veins, right?”

“If you say so, Sonny,” Vanessa murmured, watching her baby nurse enthusiastically.

“She really is beautiful, Rafa,” Liv told him, then held her arms out for a hug.

He returned it.  “Thank you,” he murmured, squeezing her back.  “We’re pretty enamoured.”

*******************************************

“Here, let me get the door,” she told him.  He was carrying Lucy in her carrier because she wasn’t supposed to be lifting anything yet.  She swung the door open.

“Here we go, mija,” he said softly as they crossed into the den.  “Home sweet home.” He had managed to make it home with their things a little bit earlier in the morning.  He wanted her to be able to come home and relax, to focus on healing. She settled herself in the recliner fairly quickly, and he sat next to her, on the couch, setting the carrier on the couch next to him.  Carefully, he unfastened her and picked her up. She started to cry, and he pulled her close to his body, bouncing her up and down gently, and she settled. He glanced at Vanessa, and she smiled at him.

“You’re a natural,” she told him, and stroked his thigh.

He chuckled.  “Not a natural, but I’m learning.  She likes that bounce, and she likes to be held tight.  And that swaddle. I need to get better at that.”

“Lots of time to practice,” she reassured him.  “You should have seen me with Max. I’m lucky I didn’t lose him in the blanket.”

He was smiling, which he found himself doing a lot of the last few days.  Vanessa had told him it was a good look for him, which only made him smile more.

“Rafa.”  He suddenly realized he had been paying attention to the baby, and hadn’t heard what she said.  She was eyeing him patiently, and he pressed a soft kiss to Lucy’s forehead, then smiled at Vanessa.  She lay a hand on his forearm. “I love you, Rafa.”

He leaned over carefully, cradling their daughter in his arms, and pressed a kiss to her lips.  “I love you too, Ness. More than you know.”

She looped a pinky in with his, and leaned in to rest her forehead against his.


	10. August

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settling in as a family isn't always as easy as it sounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***For purposes of a plot device, there is discussion about discontinuation of breastfeeding due to antidepressants. It has been pointed out to me that this is misinformation and most antidepressants are safe to use during breastfeeding. I apologize for the error, and as always, please know this is fiction and may not always be accurate.

**_August_ **

 

He had just drifted off to sleep when the baby began to wail again.  “I’ve got her,” Vanessa said sleepily, but before she could move he was up and rounding the bed for the bassinet.

“I’ve got this one.  You already fed her...she’s just colicky.  Try to sleep, Ness.”

She watched him attempting to comfort their daughter, and finally nodded.  “Okay.”

They had been struggling for a few weeks now.  Vanessa was trying to alter the foods she ate in case it made a difference.  They’d tried different positions, pacifiers, massages, baths, and rocking. Last Thursday, out of ideas and ready to cry himself, he had begun to sing to her, and miraculously, it had soothed her.  In the nights since, he had found that holding her resting with her belly on his forearm, a soft jiggle accompanied by his version of some U2 or INXS seemed to do the trick with a bit of regularity.  She would settle down, her cries would lessen, and occasionally he was rewarded with gas or poop and a sleeping child. He’d never been so thrilled to have a shitty response to his singing.

For her part, Vanessa had been meticulous about her diet and breastfeeding, but was often reduced to tears herself, and had told him on multiple occasions she felt like a failure.  Lucy wasn’t comforted by her the way Max had been, she said, and he watched helplessly as his wife seemed to struggle to even get up and dressed some days.

On Lucy’s one month birthday, he came home early to find Vanessa in bed, crying, and Lucy in the bassinet, accompanying her.

“Hey, hey,” he soothed as soon as he made it into the bedroom, tossing his jacket into the chair.  “What’s going on?”

She motioned to her phone on the nightstand.  “Bobby texted me. Max doesn’t want to come here to spend the night.  He says Lucy cries too much.”

Rafael picked up the baby and tried to comfort her.  “Well, no offense to Bobby, but Max is four. He doesn’t get to decide where he spends the night.”

“But he’s right.  I can’t calm her down.  You do a better job than me.  I’m useless at this right now.”  His heart nearly broke as he watched new tears stream down her face.  “I’m failing, Rafa. I’m a failure as a mom. To both of them.”

Cradling Lucy in one arm, he reached his other hand over to her and wiped her cheek.  “You are NOT a failure, sweetheart. You’re struggling with postpartum. And you’re going back to Renata--she’s helped before.  I know you’ve been thinking about it and I’m going to make the decision that it’s a good thing and you need to do it. Do you want to call her or do you want me to?”

She shook her head, reaching for another tissue.  “I can’t right now, Rafa. I can’t call.”

He nodded firmly.  “Then I will. Her number’s in your phone, right?”

She exhaled heavily.  “Yeah.”

He nodded again, picking up her phone, and took the phone and Lucy into the other room while he made the call.

****************************************

“She’s too loud!”  Max was sitting on his bed covering his ears as Lucy wailed in the other room.  It was almost bedtime, and Vanessa had just fed the baby. Max had watched with detached interest.

“Why does she scream like that?” he had asked.  

“Her belly hurts, honey,” Vanessa had tried to explain as she patiently attempted to burp the baby.  

Max had wrinkled up his face, then looked his mother square in the eye and said, “Then take her to the doctor.  Or take her back. I don’t like this one.”

Rafael had taken one look at his wife’s expression and routed his stepson to the bedroom.  “Up, c’mon! Time for a story. Tell Momma goodnight.”

“You tell her,” Max returned, crossing his arms.  “She can’t hear me. Lucy’s screaming.”

Now, with Max sitting on the edge of his bed, Rafael felt he had the opportunity to appeal to the little boy’s kinder nature.  “I know Lucy’s loud, Max, but she can’t help it. It’s part of her body growing. When your body grows, we don’t make you feel bad about it.  Momma and I are talking to Lucy’s doctor and trying to find what will make her feel better.”

“My ears hurt,” he complained, patting one side of his head.

Rafael could appreciate the sentiment.

“Look, I know it’s hard right now, but I want you to think about the things you’re saying to Mommy.  I don’t think it makes her feel good when you tell her to take Lucy back and that you don’t like her.  Or that you don’t want to spend the night any more.”

“But I don’t, Wafa!  She hurts my head and it’s hard to fall asleep.  And Momma always says to be honest. ‘Cept if I don’t like a present.”

Rafael sighed.  He’d handle the honesty issue at another time.  “What if we got you some music to listen to at night?  Something quiet? Do you want to try it? I’ll use my phone tonight if you want to try, and if you like it, we’ll figure something out.”

“Weally?”  Max’s eyes were big.  “Your phone?”

“Actually, Mommy’s old phone.  I’ll go get it and we’ll put some music on for you with the earphones.  But you can’t play with the phone and you have to try to sleep.”

Max appeared to be weighing his options.  “Okay,” he finally agreed. “I can do that.”

********************************************

“I’ll be back in a little bit.”  Vanessa handed Lucy to Rafael, ready to head back with the nurse who had just called her.  They were at Vanessa’s checkup, and somehow she had the insane idea he was going to let her go back alone.

“Nope,” he said, taking the baby and picking up her carrier in his other hand.  “I’m going with you.”

She stood open mouthed for a second, staring at him.  His eyes met hers, determined, and he said quietly, “You need me there.”

She crossed her arms, looking like a carbon copy of her son the other night, and gritted out, “Fine.  But you need to work on your trust issues. I’m perfectly capable of honestly representing what a fuckup I am right now.”

He sighed heavily and followed her back to the exam room.

*********************************************

Carmen quietly shut her boss’ door and sat back down at her desk.  He had fallen asleep, but she knew he was exhausted and he had no more meetings for the day.  It was also almost six p.m., and she figured nobody else would be coming by. She’d make sure he was awake before she left in a half-hour.

Her plan seemed perfect until she saw Detective Carisi approaching.  Surely she could intercept him, she thought, but he was approaching quickly and his stride seemed purposeful.

“Hey Carmen,” he greeted as friendly as ever, “Barba still here?”

“He is, but he’s not to be disturbed.  Anything I can help you with?”

Carisi looked confused.  “Uh, I was just supposed to pick up a file from him.  He knew I was coming by. I’ll just be a minute…”

He sidestepped her and had the door open as quickly as she started to say, “Wait--”

Carisi opened the door and froze, one foot in, then turned back to Carmen.  “I’m just gonna, uh, grab that off his desk,” he said quietly, motioning to a file on the corner nearest the door.

Carmen crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one hip.  “Mm-hmm.”

Carisi’s eyebrows rose, but then he determinedly took a step into the office and reached for the folder.  The corner of it was under Rafael’s left elbow, and he carefully slid it toward him.

“Back to sleep! No blanket!” Rafael yelled, startling into an upseated position and slapping his hands flat on the papers in front of him.  Carisi’s hands flew into a “hands up” position and he stepped back, completely startled. Barba blinked several times, trying to grasp his surroundings, and all Carisi could hear was Carmen’s derisive snort from the door.

“Could’ve told you, Detective,” she said brightly, making her way back to her desk.

Carisi turned to roll his eyes at her, only to hear Barba’s snippy tone.  “Did you need something, Carisi? Is there a reason you’re visiting, or is it just to tell me I’m clearly slacking on the job?”

Carisi turned back to face Rafael, and his mouth curved into a friendly smile.  “Can’t blame you for being tired, counselor,” he teased. “Lots to learn...put the baby back to sleep...no blankets or anything soft in the bassinet...you seem like you’re mastering it well.”

Barba narrowed his eyes, then exhaled heavily and sunk into his chair.  “Not fast enough,” he admitted, and Sonny watched the man’s countenance change in front of him from confident and brusque to soft and questioning.  Feeling concerned, he slipped into the chair across from him. 

“You doing okay, Rafael?” he asked, not really expecting the truth but hoping for it anyway.

Rafael’s eyes met Sonny’s briefly, then lowered to his desk just as quickly.  “Yeah. Of course. It’ll be okay.” He shook his head suddenly, as if shaking off his doubts.  “Here. Here’s the file you came for. Sorry you walked in on that.” He held the file out to Carisi, clearly attempting to move onto something more professional.

Sonny took the folder and nodded, but didn’t stand; instead, he continued to sit opposite Rafael, patiently waiting, as he had done many times before, for Rafael to open.  He had learned a long time ago that time was his friend when dealing with Rafael Barba.

After another minute, Rafael shifted in his chair again.  “What? Do you need something else?”

“I just think,” Sonny said slowly, “that maybe it’s okay to admit that you feel a little overwhelmed right now.  Obviously I’m not a dad, but I know just from watching my sisters that new babies bring a lot of changes, even when everything is perfect.  And, you know, change is…” he shrugged. “Change sucks, quite frankly.”

Rafael was staring at him.  “Am I supposed to confide in you now?”

Sonny shrugged again.  “Only if you want to.”

Rafael sighed again, and pushed his chair back.  “Lucy is struggling with some colic. Max is struggling with Lucy.  Vanessa is struggling with postpartum.” He shook his head. “My mom--my mom wants to know when we’re going to get married.  Hell, everyone wants to know when we’re getting married.” He laughed humorlessly. “You wanna hear the punchline? Ness and I got married last year.  On New Year’s Eve. We wanted to be married before the baby came, but we figured we’d have the wedding after. Then life got in the way and we haven’t planned a thing, and neither of us can even think about it right now.  Ness is so depressed--she's struggling against her own body--and she just tells me all the time how she's failing Max and she’s failing Lucy. I swear I go home and somebody in my house is crying pretty much the entire time from when I walk in the door until I walk out again. His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, and he said, “I don’t know what to do, Carisi. I feel like I’m drowning, and I can’t fail my family.”  He shook his head again, and Sonny could swear he saw the man’s eyes turn glassy for a second. “I won’t fail my family,” he said again, more determined.

Carisi leaned forward and rested a hand on the desk.  “No, you won’t fail,” he said, low. “But maybe it’s time to ask the whole family for a little support.”

***************************************

“I get twelve weeks unpaid leave, just like you,” he told her evenly, “and I’m taking them, starting next week.”

She turned over and looked at him, eyes teary.  “This is my fault. I can’t get it together.”

“This is not your fault,” he said, sinking onto the mattress beside her.  “You can’t help your body chemistry, honey. You heard the doctor. This is beyond your control--”

“We both heard her. I’m not going to be able to keep nursing Lucy.  I don’t think you have any idea how important that is to me,” she cried.  “She’s putting me on some antidepressant that will poison her and--”

“And she’ll have formula just like you did, and I did, and most babies in our generation did.  And it’s going to be okay because it’s much more important that she has a mother who can function than a breastfeeding one who’s in so much pain.”

Hearing that truth pulled sobs from Vanessa’s gut, and she buried her head in the pillow.  He stroked her hair. “I know this is hard. I know it’s unfair, sweetheart. I know it isn’t what either of us wanted, but it’s what is best for everyone.  And we’re going to be okay.”

We’re going to be okay, his promise to her.  I love you, Rafael, was her promise to him. She didn’t say it now, though.

He lay down next to her and held her while she cried, and tried not to think about the fact she didn’t say it.  He knew she couldn’t right now.

******************************************

Fin Tutuola showed up at nine on Saturday morning.

“What the hell?” Vanessa said in greeting when she answered the door, Lucy swaddled in her arm.  “Not that it isn’t nice to see you, but why are you here?”

“Nobody told you?” he asked calmly, handing her a cup of coffee.  “I’ve got a date with your kid. Not that one,” he added, nodding toward Lucy.  “That one.” And he pointed to the hallway, where Max was bounding toward him from, Rafael following.

“Hiya, Uncle Fin!  Are we gettin’ Noah and Jesse?”

“You bet...we’re going there now.  Tell your mom you’ll see her after lunch.”

“Bye Momma!  See you later!”  Max happily followed Fin out of the apartment, and Rafael closed the door behind them.

“What’s going on?” she demanded, seeing the smirk on his face.

He shrugged.  “Family stuff, I guess.”

She was confused, but willingly handed the baby over and headed for a shower at his suggestion.

**************************************

“So you should be set for the next couple of weeks,” Carisi was telling Rafael when she wandered into the kitchen a little before dinner a few days later.  Somehow she’d gotten a nap. She wasn’t sure how that had happened, other than the baby had switched to formula so Rafael had been able to feed her.

“What’s going on?” she asked, and suddenly got a peek into her freezer, which now appeared jam-packed with casseroles and such.  “Holy shit. What the hell?”

“Momma!” Max sounded shocked, turning to look at her from his seat on the couch as he watched the latest episode of Paw Patrol.  “That’s not nice!”

“You’re right,” she corrected.  “Wow, Sonny and Rafa. What in the world is going on here?”

Sonny closed the freezer door.  “Just getting you set with some meals--”

She was shaking her head.  “You cannot cook for my family like that, Carisi.  That’s ridiculous.”

“It’s not just me.  Okay, it was mostly me, because other than Liv I’m the only one who can cook, but it’s just batch cooking, split up.  So it didn’t take forever. Besides, I had to cook for myself.”

Her eyes narrowed and she looked from Sonny to Rafael, who shrugged, and back to Sonny again.  “Let me guess. Family stuff.”

Sonny nodded with a smile.  “Yep, something like.”

***********************************

Saturday afternoon brought a visit from Rollins, who insisted on doing five loads of the Barba family laundry while they caught up chatting about nothing.  Jesse and Max had a playdate, and Amanda spent all her time between loads getting plenty of baby snuggles.

Vanessa was amazed at how much more human she felt in just a week.  She knew it was too soon for the meds she was starting to be working, and Lucy was still struggling with bouts of colic, but somehow it all seemed much more manageable.  Rafael had been her partner in every way this week, working by her side in the care and comfort of their baby. She knew instinctively how hard it must have been for him to step back from work, and she still couldn’t believe he was taking the entire twelve weeks off.  But he was, and if anyone knew the law and what it allowed, it was her husband. His willingness to sacrifice and provide for his family never ceased to amaze and humble her, and she had told him that as they lay in bed late that evening. It was a few minutes of quiet, and she suddenly realized how she felt she could breathe for the first time in weeks.

“I never realized  how the term “provide for your family’ means so much more than financial obligations,” she murmured, squeezing his hand.  “You’ve provided everything. You got me to the doctor. You even gave up your work for a few months. You’ve done everything I’m doing pretty much, and I...I’m humbled by that, Rafael.  You are incredible.”

He smiled, then shook his head.  “I’m not doing any more than you are, honey.  The only reason anyone is surprised is because I have a dick.”  He reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear, the way he often had in the past, and it made her smile.  “It’s kind of sad that I step up to do, oh, everything my wife has been doing and has been expected to do, but she’s had major surgery on top of massive hormonal changes, and people act like I’m some kind of saint.”  He squeezed her hand back. “I promised you, we’ll be okay. And we will. But to be honest, Sonny is the one who’s helped to coordinate everyone being so supportive. He saw I was having trouble at work and helped me figure it out.”

Surprised, she replied, “Sonny Carisi coordinated all of this?  For us?” A gentle smile crossed her face again. “You know, he’s always looked up to you.”

He hesitated, then said, “It was more than that. At one time, anyway.  A long time ago.”

Her brown eyes were staring into his, and her hand reached up to stroke his cheek.  After a moment, she nodded. “Yeah. I know. You guys weren’t as subtle as you thought you were.”

His eyes flew open in shock.  “You knew? What do you mean, we weren’t subtle?  It was never--”

“Stop.”  She pressed a finger to his lips.  “I saw you guys leaving the bathroom at Forlini’s.  Twice. Men don’t usually pee in pairs.” Seeing the obvious question written in his expression, she said, “And no, to the best of my knowledge, nobody else noticed.  It was late, people were drunk. And it was a long time ago.”

She was right about that.

He caught her hand in his.  “I love you, you know that, right?  As crazy as the last month has been, I would never want to live this life with anyone else.”

She laughed.  “I’ve got to believe you, because nobody in their right mind would hang around this shitshow if they weren’t really invested.”

Just then the baby passed gas loud and clear.  “Yep,” he replied, “Definitely a shitshow.”

“And definitely yours,” she told him, laughing as he got up to change Lucy.

It felt good to laugh.

********************************************

On Sunday, she got a text from Liv, asking if she could stop by to see the baby.  Rafael had taken Max to the park to meet Bobby, so things were relatively quiet. 

 

_      VR:  Sure.  But Max isn’t here for Noah, though. _

_      OB:  No worries.  Noah is with Jesse for a playdate. _

_      VR:  Sure then.  Come on over. _

 

Fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on the door, and Vanessa took a last peek at her sleeping baby in the pack and play next to her, then went to open the door.

“Hey,” Vanessa greeted Liv, reaching out to hug her, before suddenly freezing where she stood.

“I brought somebody with me,” Liv said, motioning to Lola, who was looking at Vanessa with a huge grin.

“Oh my God,” Vanessa exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around the little girl while Liv chuckled.  “You sure did. Boy have I missed you, little girl!”

“Me too,” Lola said, and handed Vanessa a roughly constructed paper book.  “This is for your baby.”

Vanessa held the door open.  “Come in, come in! She’s asleep right now, but I’m sure she’ll wake up any minute.”  She led them over to the pack and play. “This is Lucy,” she said quietly, watching as Lola bent a little more closely to the baby.

“Hi little Lucy,” she whispered, “you’re so pretty.”  Looking up to Vanessa, she said, “She’s so pretty!”

Liv said gently, “I’ll second that.  She’s a beautiful baby, isn’t she, Lola?”

They sat down and talked quietly while Lucy slept.  Lola told Vanessa how she was taking art classes and now she even got to go on trips outside of Belle Isle because she was doing “so, so good.”  Liv nodded, and said, “When I called the other day to see if she’d like to visit you, she was very excited. Jason said she’s done everything they’ve asked her to, so she could come right away.”

“I’m proud of you, Lola,” Vanessa told her.  “You’re such a smart and responsible girl.”

When Rafael arrived home a bit later, Lola ran to greet him at the door.  “Are you surprised I’m here?” she giggled, and he swore it was the first time he had heard the little girl laugh.

“I am,” he told her, gently returning her hug, “and I am very glad to see you!”

They ordered pizza and had a relaxed dinner.  Liv fed Lucy her bottle and they gave Lola a minute to feed her as well, because she wanted to try.

“She looks like a happy baby,” Lola sighed.  “I bet she’s so happy.”

The adults looked at each other, thinking about what a struggle the last month had been, but nobody said anything.

“Oh,” Lola said, picking up the handmade book she had originally given to Vanessa.  “This is for your baby. I wrote it for her. It’s her story. And I drew all the pictures.”

Vanessa took the book Lola was offering her.  “You can read it to her,” Lola said as Rafael took the baby, who was starting to fuss, and gently bounced her.

“Okay.”  Vanessa took the book and read the title.  “The Story of Your Baby.”

“I didn’t know her name,” Lola explained.

“Got it.”  Vanessa turned the page.  “Once upon a time, there was a little girl and she needed the best mom and dad.”  There was a picture of a little girl by herself.

“That’s her...but like, when she’s older.”

Vanessa tilted the book so Rafael could see, then turned the page.  The next one showed a little girl and a person in robes. “So she asked Jesus to please give her the best mom and dad ever.”

Vanessa heard Rafael make a sound in his throat, and Liv reached over and took the baby from him.  They turned the page.

“So Jesus said fine but you have to be a baby first, but I know the perfect mom and dad for you.  They are nice and they love kids and they are very very best friends. And they don’t yell or hit or stuff so you don’t have to worry about that.  Will you be their baby?” There was a picture of a man and a woman holding hands. The man had brown hair and bright green eyes, wearing a suit, and the woman had long dark hair and brown eyes and had on boots and a jacket with her jeans.  There was also a little girl drawn, with a question mark over her head. 

“I like those boots,” Vanessa commented.  “I need some like that.”

“They’re like your brown ones,” Lola told her, and Vanessa nodded, then turned the page.

“The little girl said, ‘I WILL!’ and she was so happy.  And then she got born and the mom and the dad and the baby were so happy.  They were a family and they loved each other. The End.” The last picture had a variety of scenes--a mom and dad holding a baby; a mom and dad throwing a birthday party for their daughter; a little girl catching a ball and the mom and dad cheering, yelling, “Way to Go!” and “Yay!”.  

Vanessa was resting her hand over her eyes at this point and Rafael had his lips pressed against her shoulder.

“Is it not good?” Lola asked.  “I need to write her name on the cover still.”

Rafael cleared his throat.  “It--it’s just wonderful,” he said.  “It’s very, very special, Lola.”

“Yes,” Vanessa pulled her hand away, wiping her tears.  “It’s one of my favorite presents for Lucy. Thank you so much, Lola.”

Lola’s smile spread wide, and she laughed again.  “I knew you guys would like it. You like art.”

****************************************

“You ever think how lucky we are?” she whispered.

It was almost eleven in the evening.  Lucy was sleeping peacefully for once, and they were curled up in their comfy old clothes, pressed against each other.  

Tomorrow their sweet daughter would be two months old.  It would be a busy day, because it was also Max’s day to meet his new teachers for prekindergarten.  And tomorrow they were meeting with the social worker to discuss permanency planning for Lola--what a visitation schedule might look like now, what fostering might look like later, what adoption might be down the road.

The last couple of weeks had settled their family down tremendously, thanks in no small part to the support of the people they loved and who loved them.  It had made them better parents, better people, and better able to support one another.

They were kissing slowly and sensually, nobody in a hurry to rush anything.  It felt too good to hold, to touch, to cherish. To love. Fingers stroking over and under clothing, mouths tasting skin, lovers reacquainting after a time of growth and change.

He had kissed her eyelids gently, one, then the other, when she had suddenly opened them, smiled, and asked him if he ever thought of how lucky they were.  Yes, he did. These days he thought of little else.

He smiled and pressed a kiss to her lips.  “Every day,” he murmured. “Every damn day.”

She laughed softly and wrapped her arms around him, taking the opportunity to slide her hands up and down his back.  “You said we’d be okay and you were right.”

“Told you,” he teased, and rubbed his nose against hers.

“I love you, Rafael,” she said.

And then she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we made it! Whew! This one almost felt like I gave birth myself, haha.
> 
> I apologize if anyone felt they needed insulin at the sweet-sweet ending. This chapter actually started out in my mind as pretty dark and took a lot of rewriting and revising. I think I like where they're at now, though.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading these two. I'll be putting all three stories together into a series soon, so it makes sense for people jumping in midway. 
> 
> Your kudos and comments, as always, are amazing. Thanks so much for coming along for the ride!


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